PART II.
CHAPTER I.
Of the progress of his convictions and temptations.
1.I HAD now a design to go abroad: but on the advice of some friends, I laid aside that design, and engaged as chaplain to a family. Accordingly in August 1696, I went to the Wemyss. When I came hither, a stranger among persons of considerable quality, I was in a great strait, and cried to God for help. And though it was my own, more than his honour, I was concerned for, yet he, who would not overlook even Ahab’s humiliation, did not fail to assist me, so far as to maintain the respect due to the station I was in.
2. I had not been here long, when I was often engaged (and frequently, without necessity) in debates about the divinity of the scriptures, and the most important doctrines therein. This drew me to read the writings of Deists, that I might know the strength of the enemy. But I soon perceived, that these foolish questions and contentions were unprofitable and vain. For evil men and seducers will wax worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. And to my sad experience I found, that their word doth eat as doth a gangrene: so that happy is he who stops his ears against it!
3. The reading these was of dangerous consequence to one who was not rooted and grounded in the truth. Their objections I found struck at the foundations; they were many, new, and set off to the best advantage by the cunning craftiness of men practised in deceit. Nor was I acquainted with that vigilance and humble sobriety that were necessary for my defence against them. The adversary finding all things thus prepared, set furiously upon me. He wrought up first the natural atheism, darkness and enmity of my own heart, blasphemously to ask concerning the great truths of religion, “How can these things be?” To increase these doubts he employed some who had all the advantages of nature and education, persons smooth, sober, of generous tempers, and good understandings, to oppose the truth with the most plausible appearances of argument and reason. To all this he added his own subtil suggestions, “Hath God indeed said so?” And sometimes he threw in fiery darts, to enflame and disorder me; especially, when I was alone, or most seriously employed in prayer or meditation.
4. By all these ways he assaulted me, both as to the being of God, as to his providence, and as to the truth both of his revelation in general, and of many particulars contained in it. Sometimes he suggested the want of sufficient evidence; at other times, that it was obscure or hard. Yea, some parts of it were accused as plain blasphemy: some as contradictory to each other. The great mystery of the gospel was particularly set upon and represented as foolishness: and for fear of some or other of those suggestions, it was even a terror to me, to look into the bible.
5. The subtle enemy, who had so often before tempted me to pride, now pressed me to a bastard sort of humility. “How can such an one as you expect to remove difficulties, which so many abler men have sunk under?” By this I was brought into grievous perplexity. I sought relief from my own reasonings, from books, and even from prayer, but I found it not. Then I wished for some extraordinary revelation; and at last sat down with the sluggard, folding my hands, and eating my own flesh. My own reasonings availed not against him, who esteems iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood. All my books overlooked many of my scruples, and did not satisfy me as to the rest. And as to extraordinary expectations, God justly rejected them, seeing I would not hear Moses and the prophets. So that I had quite sunk under the weight of my trouble, and been swallowed up of sorrow and despair, had it not been for some little assistances which the goodness of God gave me, sometimes one way, sometimes another. When I was urged to reject the scriptures, it was often seasonably suggested, To whom shall I go? These are the words of eternal life. God powerfully convinced me, and kept the conviction strong upon my mind, that whenever I parted with revelation, I must give up all prospect of certainty or satisfaction about eternal life. The boasted demonstrations of a future happiness, built only on the light of nature, I had tried long ago, and found to be altogether weak and inconclusive; though had they been ever so conclusive, I had been not a whit the nearer satisfaction. For, to tell me of such a state, without an account of its nature, or the terms whereon it was attainable, was all one as if nothing had been said about it, and left my mind in equal confusion. Again, on a due observation of those who were truly religious, I could not but even then think them the better part of mankind; and my soul started at charging all the best of mankind with a lie in a thing of the greatest importance. On the other hand, God opened my eyes to see the unaccountable folly of those who had abandoned revealed religion. The scripture tells them plainly, they must do his will, if they would know whether the doctrine be of God. But they walk in a direct contradiction to his will; how then can they know of the doctrine? Nay, some sober, learned, and otherwise inquisitive persons, owned, that we are already miserable, if we are either cut off from the hopes of, or left at uncertainty about a future state of happiness. They owned likewise themselves to be thus uncertain, and yet were at little or no pains to be satisfied; yea, I found they rather sought for what might strengthen their doubts than remove them; which plainly shewed a hatred of the light.
6. I received further help from considering the lives, but more especially the deaths of the martyrs. When I considered the number, the quality, and all the circumstances of those who had been tortured, not accepting deliverance, I could not but own the finger of God, and the reality of religion. The known instances of its power over children in their tender years, appeared likewise of great weight; and I began to get frequent touches of conviction, whereby feeling the piercing virtue of his word, making manifest the secrets of my heart, I was forced to own God to be in it of a truth. Lastly, I found a secret hope begot and cherished I know not how, sometimes even amidst the violence of temptations, that as God had delivered others from temptations like mine, (though I doubted, if ever any had been so much molested as I) so he would deliver me at length; that what I knew not now, I should know hereafter: that my mouth should yet be filled with his praise: and that Satan’s rage shewed his time was but short.