7. Hereby I was enabled, not only to persevere, and with more earnestness, both in public and private duties, but also carefully to conceal all my straits from others, who might have stumbled at, or been hardened by them. I was unwilling others should know any thing that might disgust them at religion; Tell it not in Gath, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph. *In converse with such as were shaken, I still stood for the truth, as if I had been under no doubt about it. And I must own, that while I did so, God often gave me both success with others, and satisfaction in my own mind. How good a master is God! A word spoken for him is not lost: nor will he suffer the least service to be in vain. A Heathen Cyrus, yea Nebuchadnezzar himself, shall not work without his reward.
8. Before I proceed, I must observe the folly of reasoning with Satan; whenever I did so, he had still great advantage: he easily evaded all my arguments, and enforced his own suggestions: and even when they were not maintained by argument, he injected them so strongly, that I was not able to stand against them: our safest course is to hold him at a distance, and avoid all communion with him. *I must observe likewise, the wise providence of God, that the greatest difficulties against religion are hid from Atheists. None of the objections they make are near so subtle as those which were often suggested to me. Indeed they do not view religion near enough, to see either the difficulties, or the advantages that attend it. And the devil finding them quiet, keeps them so, not using force, where he can do his work without it. Besides, God, in his infinite wisdom, permits, not all these subtleties of hell to be published, in tenderness to the faith of the weak, which could not bear so severe an assault.
9. I lay under many inconveniences all this while. Most of the converse I had was with unholy men. I had no friend to whom I could impart my griefs with freedom, or any prospect of satisfaction. And the entire concealing my concern made it fasten more and more, and drink up my blood and spirits. I laid aside my studies; I could not pursue either business or diversion: I had no heart to any thing; I could not read, unless now and then a small portion of scripture, or some other practical book (except when, for a short space, there was an intermission of my trouble.) For near a year and a half I read scarce any thing; and this slothful posture laid me open to fresh temptations, and made my corruptions grow stronger still.
10. Yet even now, God minding his own work, by the means of his word, brought the law, in its spiritual meaning, nearer. And then I found more discernibly the stirrings of sin, which taking occasion from the commandment, and being fretted at the light let into my soul, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. Hereby I was plunged into deeper guilt; My iniquities went over my head; and my conscience was so alarmed, that I found no rest in my bones by reason of my sin.
11. I still laboured for rest, either by extenuating my faults, pleading the strength of temptation, (sometimes not without secret reflections upon God) or by trying to persuade myself they were no faults at all. When all these failed, I made new vows and resolutions; and November 23, 1697, (a day I had set apart for fasting and prayer) I drew up a short account of my treacherous dealing with God from my youth up, and solemnly bound myself to him for the time to come.
12. But tho’ by this means I was kept from open pollutions; tho’ I was careful of outward duties; received the word with joy; watched against pride of heart, unbelief, and other spiritual evils; though I fasted, prayed, mourned, and was much in secret; yea, strove against all sins, even those I loved best; yet all this was only a form of religion, the power of which I was still a stranger to. I was a stranger to that blessed relief of sinners, faith imputed for righteousness. Though I professed to believe it, I was really in the dark, as to its glorious efficacy, tendency and design. Still my eye was not single; I regarded only myself, and not the glory of God. It was still by some righteousness of my own, in whole or in part, that I sought relief. Though I did part with my beloved sins, yet it was neither without reluctance, nor without some secret reserve. Lastly, My heart was utterly averse from all spiritual religion: and if I sometimes aimed at fixing my mind on heavenly things; yet it was soon weary of this forcible bent, and it seemed intolerable to think of being always spiritual.
13. I was now reduced to the last extremity. My sins were set in order before me, and had taken such hold upon me, that I was not able to look up. They were set in order in the dreadfulness of their nature and aggravations; my excuses baffled, and my mouth stopped before God. All the ways I had taken for my relief had deceived me; they were the staff of a broken reed; they pierced my arm when I essayed to lean upon them; and I was ashamed, and even confounded, that I had hoped. The wrath of God was likewise dropped into my soul, and the poison of his arrows drunk up my spirits. Add to this, that I was still unsatisfied about religion, and my enemies often told me, that even in God there was no succour for me. Yea, sometimes Satan, to entangle me the more, assaulted all the truths of religion at once; and then I was utterly confounded, when the Lord commanded that my enemies should close me in on every side.
14. By the extremity of this anguish, I was for some time, about the end of ninety-seven, and the beginning of ninety-eight, dreadfully cast down. I was weary of my life. Oft did I use Job’s words, I loath it, I would not live alway. And yet I was afraid to die. I had no rest; My sore ran in the day, and in the night time it ceased not. At night I wished for day, and in the day I wished for night. I said, My couch shall comfort me; but then darkness was as the shadow of death. I was often on the brink of despair. He filled me with bitterness, he made me drunk with wormwood. He removed my soul far from peace: I forgat prosperity. I said my hope and my strength are perished from the Lord. I wondered that I was not consumed; and though I dreaded destruction from the Almighty, yet I must have justified him if he had destroyed me. Thus I walked about dejected, weary and heavy laden: weary of my disease, and weary of my vain remedies; and utterly uncertain what to do next, or what course to take.