Of his deliverance from these temptations.
*IT was in this extremity God stepped in; he found me wallowing in my blood, in a helpless and hopeless condition. I was quite overcome, neither able to fight nor fly, when the Lord passed by me, and made this time a time of love. Towards the beginning of February 1698, this seasonable relief came. I was then, as I remember, at secret prayer, when he discovered himself to me, when he let me see, that there are forgivenesses with him, and mercy, and plenteous redemption. He made all his goodness to pass, and he proclaimed his name, the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity, transgression and sin; who will be gracious to whom he will be gracious, and will shew mercy to whom he will shew mercy. This was a strange sight to one who before looked on God only as a consuming fire, which I could not see and live. He brought me from Sinai, and its thundrings, to mount Sion, and to the blood which speaketh better things than that of Abel. I now with wonder beheld Christ in his glory, full of grace and truth. I saw that he, who had before rejected all my offerings, was well pleased in the Beloved, being fully satisfied, not only that there is forgiveness of sins, through the redemption which is in Jesus; but also, that God by this means might be just in justifying even the ungodly that believe in him. How was I ravished with delight, to see that such mercy might consist even with his inflexible justice and spotless purity? And yet more, when he let me see, that to me, even to me, was the word of this salvation sent; that even I was invited to come, and take the water of life freely! Farther, he discovered to me his design in the whole, even that no flesh might glory in his sight: that he might manifest the riches of his grace, and be exalted in shewing mercy. And when this strange discovery was made, of a relief which made full provision both for God’s glory and my salvation, my soul was sweetly carried out to rest in it, as worthy of God, and every way suited to my necessity.
2. All these discoveries were conveyed to me by his word: not indeed by one particular passage, but by the concurring light of many of its testimonies and promises, seasonably set home, and plainly expressing those truths; thus I found it to be the power of God unto salvation. But neither was it his word alone; for the same passages I had read before, and thought upon, without any relief; but now the Lord shined into my mind by them. Before this I knew the letter only, but now the words were spirit and life; a burning light by them shone into my mind, and gave me not merely some notional knowledge, but an experimental knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. *And vastly different this was from all the notions I had before of the same truths. It shone from heaven: it was not a spark kindled by my own endeavours, but it shone suddenly about me: it came by a heavenly means, the word; it opened heaven, and discovered heavenly things; and its whole tendency was heavenward. It was a true light, giving true manifestations of the one God, and the one Mediator between God and man, and a true view of my state with respect to God, not according to my foolish imaginations. It was a distinct and clear light, not only representing spiritual things, but manifesting them in their glory, and in their comely order. It set all things in their due line of subordination to God, and gave distinct views of their genuine tendency. It was a satisfying light; the soul absolutely rested upon the discoveries it made: it was assured of them; it could not doubt if it saw, or if the things were so as it represented them. It was a quickening, refreshing, healing light. It arose with healing in its wings. It was a powerful light; it dissipated that thick darkness which overspread my mind, and made all those frightful temptations, that before tormented me, instantly flee before it. Lastly, It was a composing light; it did not, like a flash of lightning, fill the soul with fear and amazement; but it quieted my mind, and gave me the full and free use of all my faculties. I need not give a large account of this light, for no words can give a notion of light to the blind; and he that has eyes, (at least, while he sees it) will need no words to describe it. Proceed we, then, to its fruits, whereby the difference of it from all my former light will most evidently appear.
3. The first effect of it was an approbation of God’s way of saving sinners by Jesus Christ; as a way of relief in all respects suitable to the needs of a poor, guilty, self-condemned, self-destroyed sinner, who is at length beat from all other reliefs, and hath his mouth entirely stopped before God. In this I rested as a way full of peace and comfort, and providing abundantly for all those ends I desired to have secured. And this approbation discovered itself ever after in all temptations, by keeping up in me a settled persuasion, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. And when afterwards I was under temptations, it still kept me firm in an absolute determination utterly to reject all other ways of relief, whether I found present comfort in this or no. This was also my only sanctuary against guilt; let me be found in him, not having mine own righteousness. And whenever God gave me a fresh beam of this light, all difficulties vanish’d away; then I rejoiced in Christ Jesus, and nothing was able to disturb me while it lasted; and ever after I was then only pleased, when I found my soul, in some measure, moulded into a compliance with the design of the gospel, emptied of myself, subjected to God, and careful to have him alone exalted.
4. A second effect of this discovery was, my eye began to be single, looking in all things, to the glory of God. I now desired that he alone, (which before I had no real concern for) might be glorified in my life, or by my death. I saw that shame and confusion belonged to me and to him only the whole glory of my salvation. I watched over the most secret [♦]actings of pride, labouring to renounce it utterly, looking on it as my grand enemy, on which I was always to have an eye, and counting the power it still had, my greatest affliction. I never found comfort, but when this idol was discernably abased; and when ever this light shone in proportion to its clearness and continuance, the power of this was weakened in my soul, and I sought not myself but Christ Jesus.
[♦] “actions” replaced with “actings” per Errata
5. A third effect of this light was with respect to his commandments, which I now saw were not grievous, but right concerning all things. I own’d his yoke to be easy, and his burden light. Amidst all temptations I knew the law was holy, just and good; I perceived too, that it was exceeding broad, extending even to the lightest motion of the heart. The duties I was most averse from before were now easy, pleasant, and refreshing. I saw a peculiar beauty in those laws in particular that crossed the sins which had the firmest rooting in my temper. None were so hateful to me; for none did I loathe myself so much; none was I so glad of a victory over. My mind was continually engaged in contrivances for their ruin, which formerly, I still sought to spare. And would God have given me my choice, to have the laws against them blotted out, he knows I should not have chose it, and that I should have thought his law less pleasant and less perfect, had these prohibitions been wanting. I took pleasure in others only so far as there appeared in them any thing of an humble, self-denying conformity to his law, and had a fix’d dislike of the least inconformity thereto, either in myself or others. In a word I saw, that if I could reach holiness I should have pleasure, and peace, and liberty; that all wisdom’s ways, were ways of pleasantness; nor was any thing insupportable to me, but that remaining unsubdued corruption that would not stoop to put its neck under her yoke.
*6. A fourth effect of it was a right sorrow for sin, flowing from a deep sense of my ingratitude, to provoke such a God, who had prevented and still followed me with so much mercy. And this sorrow filled my heart with love to God, and his way, sweetened my soul, and endeared God to it. And the more God manifested his kindness, the more it increased; when he was pacified, I was ashamed and confounded; nor was it a burdensome, but a sweet and pleasant sorrow, as being the exercise of filial gratitude. This sense of my unkindness, when kept within, covered me with blushes; and I was eased, when God allowed me to vent my sense of it, and to pour it, as it were into his bosom. It was likewise a spring of activity in the way of duty. I was glad to be employed in the meanest work, which might shew how deeply sensible I was of my former disobedience. It was not as my late sorrow, pregnant with pride, stiffness and unwillingness to suffer any chastisement; but it humbled, softened the soul, and made it willing to bear the indignation of the Lord, since I had sinn’d against him. In a word, I was glad when God gave me my measure of it, and grieved when I found it wanting, and I cried to the Prince exalted for it, as a necessary help to the obeying his whole law.
7. A fifth effect of this light, was a comfortable hope of salvation, rising in strength, or growing more weak, as the discoveries of the way of salvation, were more or less clear and strong. I knew I could not fail of salvation, otherwise than by missing this way. Sometimes I doubted of myself, but not of the way; so far as I walked in it, I was sweetly satisfied that my expectation should not be cut off. And as this light shewed salvation in a way of self-denial, and trust only in the Lord, nothing so shook this hope, as the least stirring of pride. As this sight of the glory of the Lord always filled me with shame, so the deeper my humiliation the stronger was my confidence. And so far was this assurance from begetting negligence, that it could not consist with it. To intermit or neglect duty, razed the foundation, or at least, laid an insurmountable stop in the way of its progress.
8. Many other effects there were, too long to repeat at large. I felt a new and formerly unknown, love to all who seemed to have any thing of the image of God, though known only by report; and this evidenced itself in prayer for them, and sympathy with them in their afflictions. Again, I found my care of all God’s concerns enlarged, and I desired more and more, that he might be exalted upon earth. I was grieved at any loss his interest sustained, and zealous for his glory. To conclude, I found this light sweetly drawing me to a willing, chearful endeavour after holiness in all manner of conversation. Thus were all things in some measure become new; and I who a little before, with the goaler, had fallen down trembling, was now raised, and set down to feast with the disciples of the Lord, rejoicing and believing.