PART III.
CHAPTER I.
Of the pleasure of this state; the mistakes attending it, and the way of their discovery.
1.THIS glorious discovery was very surprising: oft I stood and wonder’d what this strange sight meant. The greatness of the things God [♦]had done surpassed belief; and yet the effects would not suffer me to doubt of them. Not that I distinctly observed them at the very first; the glory of the Lord was then so great, that for a time I fixed my eyes on that, and was less intent on the change which it wrought in me. Again, I was the less exact in observing them then, because of the darkness still remaining in me. I clearly saw the mystery of free justification through Christ, and peace by his blood: but I was still sadly ignorant of many of the most important things relating even to that mystery: as the daily application of that atonement, and the use of Christ with respect to sanctification, What therefore God did at this time I knew not now, but hereafter, when the Comforter had further instructed me in the gospel, as my exigencies required: then, at length, I saw distinctly the work of God, and what he had done for me.
[♦] “hath” replaced with “had” per Errata
2. This discovery could not but be full of ravishing sweetness, considering the state wherein it found me. I was condemned by God and my own conscience, and under pressing fears of a present execution of the sentence. When the labours of the day required that I should sleep, and my body wasted with the disquiet of my mind, yet I was afraid to close my eyes lest I should wake in hell, and durst not suffer myself to sleep, till I was beguiled into it I knew not how. Was it strange, that the hopes of pardon were sweet to one in such a condition, whereby I laid down in safety and quiet rest, while there was none to make me afraid? A little before, the waters compassed me about, even to the soul! the deep closed me round about, I went down to the bottoms of the mountains, and said, I am cast out of God’s sight. Now, was it any wonder that such an one should rejoice, when brought into a garden of delights and set down under the refreshing rays of the sun of righteousness? And the things he discovered to me here were not only altogether new and such as I was utterly unacquainted with before; but also glorious in themselves. It was the glory of the Lord that shone round about me; and I saw such things as eye hath not seen, beside thee, O God. In a word, what I saw was (what the angels desire to look into) the mystery of godliness, the wonders of God’s law, and the unsearchable riches of his mercy.
3. This discovery was of longer continuance, and far brighter than any I have had since: it shone in its glory for ten days; nor was it quite gone for a long time after; and while it lasted, new discoveries were daily made. God carried me from one thing to another, and in this short space taught me more than I had learned by all my study in my whole life. Yea, he taught me the things I had learned before, in another, and quite different manner. Every day he instructed me out of the scriptures, walking and talking with me by the way, and opening them to me, which before was as a sealed book, wherein whatever I read was dark. Indeed all this time my mind was almost wholly taken up about spiritual things; and whatever occur’d in reading, meditation, converse, or daily observation, it (like a mold) cast into its own shape. All this while I was carried out to extraordinary diligence in duty. It was not as formerly, a burthen; but my heart was enlarged, so that I ran in the ways of God’s ordinances and commandments. And herein my soul often made me like the chariots of Aminadab, not easily to be stopped; sometimes to the disgust of these who did not taste the same ravishing sweetness which I enjoyed. But the life of all was, that God, by keeping his glory continually in my eye, kept me humble and self-denied all this while: seeing him I loathed myself. Beholding his glory I was in my own eyes as a grashopper, as nothing, less than nothing, and vanity. I gloried only in the Lord, rejoiced in Christ Jesus, and had no confidence in the flesh.
4. God had many gracious designs in this. I was sore broken and wounded, and he did this in tenderness; he bound up my wounds, he poured in oil, he made me a bed in my sickness. He watched me, and kept me from disturbance, till I was somewhat strengthened. I had been plunged into grievous and hard thoughts of him, as if he has forgotten to be gracious. Nor was I easily induced to believe good tidings; yea, though it was told me, I could not believe, till I had a clear sight of the waggons and provisions, and then my spirit revived. God in deep condescension, satisfied me that he was real, and had no pleasure in my death; and that the wound was not incurable, that it was not the wound of an enemy, or the stroke of a cruel one, but the wound of a friend in order to healing. He was now to make me sell all for that goodly pearl; and that I might be satisfied with my purchase, he let me see both what I was to leave, and what I was to obtain. Again, he knew what a wilderness I was to go through, and therefore fed me before I entered into it. Lastly, He designed to give me something which might be a stay in all succeeding trials. And often since, when my soul has been in heaviness, have I been cheared by the remembrance of it.
5. But, alas! I understood not this: I fancied this world would last always; I talked of building tabernacles here, and knew not I was to come down from the mount, and that my Lord would depart from me again. I dreamed not of learning, or having occasion for war any more; I expected no more to fight with my corruptions, but thought the enemies, which appeared not were dead, and that the “Egyptians were all drowned in the sea.” Accordingly I projected to tie myself up to such a bent, and to stint myself to such a method of living, as neither our circumstances and temptations, nor our duty in this world allows of. I could not endure to read those books which were really necessary to be read, and all the time I spent in them seemed lost. Yea, I began to grudge the time which my body absolutely required for sleep or other refreshments. Thus the devil secretly drove from one extreme to the other, knowing well, that I should not rest here, and that he could easily throw me back from this into the first, of assuming too great a latitude. I began likewise to reckon this enlargement of heart as my due, and as more mine own than it really was. And I looked on the stock I already had as sufficient to carry me through all my difficulties; and saw not, that the grace, which was sufficient for me, was yet in the Lord’s hand.