“I cannot but lament the case of those parents, who alas! not knowing what they do, endeavour to instill into the minds of their children such pernicious principles: and I do earnestly intreat all children, as soon as they come to years of discretion, to examine, and judge for themselves.”
It pleased our Lord to work in his heart very early. He made him bear the yoke in his youth, and by his terrors restrained him from excess, and the great offence. “Even while I was young and ignorant (says he) God was striving with me, and often terrified my heart: especially whenever I thought of the day of judgment, and of eternity!
“At those times especially, I frequently repeated the prayers I had learnt. But alas! to how little purpose? While I prayed neither with the spirit, nor with understanding. My heart was hard and stubborn, and my understanding was blind and foolish. I had no just conception either of God, or of religion. Nay, so great was my ignorance, that when I named our Saviour in Irish, I thought the name belonged to some woman in heaven.
“While I was thus foolish, and blind (even as a beast before thee!) my fallen nature began powerfully to discover itself. The seed of the serpent working in my heart, broke forth in words and in deeds. Now pride, anger, and self-will especially, reigned over me. But alas! I then little knew that those accursed tempers proceeded from that source of universal disorder, and all human miseries, original sin. I believed that this had brought temporal death into the world, and great disorder into the whole state of the visible creation: but of its subjecting the soul to spiritual, and exposing it to eternal death, I had no apprehension. I had, it is true, conviction whenever I did amiss; told a lie, or fell into any other outward sin. But the Spirit of God, and the holy scriptures alone, I now plainly see, could convince me that my tempers deserved the damnation of hell. And hitherto I was ignorant of both.
“When I was about eight years old, I began to love play, and divers other silly pleasures, spending the time I was out of school in catching of birds, playing at ball, and the like. My fondness for these occasioned my frequently breaking the sabbath, which I usually spent either in these vain amusements, or in reading some profane history, or other unprofitable book; and indeed no one so much as told me, that these kinds of employments were any violation of the Lord’s day: my parents, like the rest of their neighbours, esteeming them innocent diversions, harmless amusements.
“I did not then know that I ought not on this day to do mine own pleasure, to speak mine own words, or think my own thoughts; that I ought to spend it wholly in glorifying God, by praying to him, hearing his word, and reading and meditating therein; calling the sabbath a delight, the holy of the Lord, honourable.[¹] O the curse of ignorance and evil example! How many souls do these lead into the broad way of destruction! How happy would it have been for my poor soul, if I had known and remembered my Creator in the days of my youth! Had I been brought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord; had I known the scriptures from my childhood![²] How would it have contributed to prevent my wrong conceptions, and to regulate, at least, in some measure, my whole conduct.
[¹] Isaiah lvii. 13.
[²] Ecclesiastes xii. 1. Ephesians vi. 4. 2 Timothy iii. 15.
“From the tenth to the fourteenth year of my age, my corruptions increased, took deeper root, and more visibly appeared in my whole conversation: and yet I was more regular and conscientious in discharging my duty towards God. (So I was taught to call a dull form of words, part of which only were addressed to God, and the greatest part to saints and angels.) My parents according to custom brought me at the usual times to the priest, who examined me concerning the Pater Noster, Ave Maria, and credo in Deum, with some other rites of the church of Rome. But alas! to how little purpose? It made me neither wiser, nor better. Some part, it is true, of what he taught me, was according to the word of God; but the greater part entirely repugnant thereto, and to all truth and righteousness. But I knew not then how to distinguish between the truths of God, and the traditions of men, having had no knowledge of the law and the testimony, the only infallible touchstone of doctrine and practice. He might therefore have imposed whatever he pleased upon me; and the rather, as I was taught to believe whatever he said, and to consider it as coming from the mouth of God. Indeed I could not help observing even then, that several of those reverend gentlemen frequently erred in practice: tho’ still I thought they were infallible as to doctrine.
“After this catechising, I became more inquisitive, and began to read books of devotion. These I found for the present had their use. Whenever I read of the passion of our Saviour; the love of God to sinners; the joys of heaven, or the miseries of the damned, my heart became deeply affected; and much desire towards God enkindled in my soul.” But alas! it soon died away again, becoming like the morning cloud. The inconstancy and corruption of his heart, easily prevailing over those divine, but transient impressions.