“From the fourteenth to the sixteenth year of my age, I had more of the form, though less of the power of godliness, than even before. I now attended the public worship (that is, went to mass) and every night repeated my prayers, which were indeed no better than vain repetitions. But still, pride, anger, self-will, and revenge more powerfully prevailed over me than ever: and I added to these my former prevailing abominations, lies and evil words. Indeed I had an entire aversion to cursing and swearing in the gross sense; but abounded in petty oaths and bad wishes. Of this sort there are legions in the Irish language;” perhaps more, and more wickedly expressive than in any other language. “Being at play, I remember one day, and provoked by one of my play-fellows, I swore (horror to think!) by the glorious name of Jehovah (to the best of my remembrance I never did so before, nor ever since). In that instant I felt I had grievously sinned against God, and deserved his wrath and heavy displeasure.”
“To the rest of my evils I joined disobedience to my parents. Indeed I dared not shew it outwardly, to my father especially, whom I so dreaded as often to tremble for fear of him. But my heart was hard and stubborn.” One instance of this he mentions which wrought him many a bitter reflection afterwards; for years he hardly ever thought of it without being deeply affected with shame and sorrow. Having one day thro’ his stubbornness greatly provoked his mother, and given her a wicked and impertinent answer, she said to him “You have grieved me.” “It went like an arrow through my heart. I knew the fifth commandment (the fourth indeed I then called it according to the custom of the church of Rome) strictly forbids disobedience to parents, and that to honour them, is the first commandment with promise. Justly therefore was I condemned. But, O God! How little is it to be wondered at, that I did not rightly love, neither was obedient to my earthly parents, while I knew neither love, nor obedience towards thee, my Father, who art in heaven? Well do I know now (and praised be thy love for this knowledge) that such as are froward towards thee, will, while they remain so, never be truly a comfort to their parents.” They may indeed, pay an outward compliance, and a seemingly dutiful subjection, as is often seen even among professed worldlings; but cordially and disinterestedly to love, honour and reverence our parents, can only be the effect of subjection in heart and life to the Father of spirits. So universally true is it, that “A foe to God, was ne’er true friend to man.”
CHAPTER III.
Giving a farther account of him; the corruptions he struggled against, and the means he made use of to subdue them, from the sixteenth to the eighteenth year of his age.
NOW, both his sins and convictions daily encreased upon him. The desire of the flesh in particular raged in his nature, and it wanted not its frequent and prevalent incitements. Now likewise he began to assume the man, and kept more company than before, which not a little inflamed his besetting sin. Temptations from without were multiplied, and there wanted not opportunities and solicitations from the devil and nature to defile himself before the Lord. But still the preventing grace of God restrained him from sinning against him, in the actual transgression. This indeed, tho’ it did not, could not, exempt from guilt, fear and shame, considering the purity of the gospel law, nevertheless became justly matter of his thanksgiving to God. “I do (says he) praise God unfeignedly, for with-holding me from my own actual wickedness, and preventing my leading others into the cursed and detestable abomination. But I abhor and condemn myself for the concupiscence and wickedness of my heart, which (with grief and horror God knoweth I speak it!) discovered itself in other respects, such as it is a shame even to mention. Of this no human eye could be a witness.” But God, his holy angels, and his own conscience were more than ten thousand witnesses against him.
And now, at length, his life became a burden to him, almost insupportable. His true character at this time was, O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me! He felt “indwelling sin, indwelling hell,” and breathed in many a groan,
O what is life without my God?
A burden more than I can bear.
I struggle to throw of my load,