Even before he had obtained mercy, he began to warn others, exhorting all, with whom he had any sort of intercourse, to flee from the wrath to come. Thus (as he observes) “while I was in unbelief myself, I sometimes forgot my own condition through eagerness of desire for the salvation of other souls.”
Mean time it was frequently impressed upon his mind, “You must preach the gospel. Thou shalt bear public testimony to the truth of God,” by openly declaring his loving kindness, in the redemption of the world. But he often resisted the thought, urging the impossibility thereof, from a variety of considerations, and saying in effect, Send by whom thou wilt send; but send not me.
Indeed, though he might have never so much desired it, in submission to the will of God; nevertheless, when the thought first presented itself to him, being a conscious unbeliever, he might have justly said, and it was the language of his heart,
“How shall I teach the world to praise?
Unchang’d my heart, unloos’d my tongue?
Give me the power of faith to prove,
And Jesus shall be all my song.”
Influenced by these kinds of considerations, he could not, while he remained himself under the bondage, think of publishing peace and liberty to others. But the case was, in some degree altered, after he had tasted that the Lord is gracious. He was then drawn out more abundantly with love to souls, and his conviction became still stronger, that he must preach Christ Jesus to the people.
This put him upon earnest prayer, and frequent fastings, to know, assuredly, the will of God, in a matter, which he rightly judged of so great moment. “I prostrated myself before the Lord (says he) and intreated him, to shew me his pleasure herein; to convince me by his holy spirit, whether the thoughts of my heart were according to his holy will, and, whether I ought to speak in his name; or if I was under a delusion, to shew me this also, and deliver me from it. I could appeal to the searcher of hearts, that I desired only to glorify him and do his will in all things.” He conducted himself in it with all possible secresy; being even then persuaded, that the affairs of God are to be carried on without noise; and that no ostentation should be used even in forsaking all to serve Christ, in this or any other way. And yet to see him employed always for God, spending his time only in reading, writing, exhorting others, and in profound meditation, it was easy to imagine that he either projected something for God’s glory, more than could be executed by him in private; or, at least, that whether he had any such design, or not, God meant it concerning him.
He still kept the affair within his own breast having mentioned it to no one person whatsoever; till from some words he occasionally dropped, one day among his brethren, one of them gathered, that he had some thoughts of that kind. At length it became matter of much and earnest prayer, among the most serious of his Christian acquaintance, with whom, afterwards, he held frequent conversations on the head; being fearful of taking one step in a matter of so great importance, without the clearest intimations of the divine good-pleasure.