I WAS from my youth something sober and inclined to melancholy, but do not remember any conviction of sin, till I was seven or eight years of age; when I grew terrified at the thoughts of death, but this concern was short lived. However, I sometimes attended secret prayer; and thus lived at ease till I was above thirteen years of age. But in the winter 1732, I was something roused by the prevailing of a mortal sickness in Haddam. I was frequent, constant, and something fervent in duties, and took delight in reading, especially Mr. Janeway’s Token for Children; I was sometimes much melted in duties, and took great delight in the performance of them. The Spirit of God at this time proceeded far with me; I was remarkably dead to the world, and my thoughts were almost wholly employed about my soul’s concerns! I may indeed say, “Almost I was persuaded to be a Christian.” I was also exceedingly distressed at the death of my mother, in March, 1732. But afterwards I by degrees fell back into security, though I still attended to secret prayer.
About the 15th of April 1733, I removed to East-Haddam, where I spent four years. Here I went a round of secret duty. I was not much addicted to young company: but when I did go into it, it always added new guilt to me, and made me afraid to come to the throne of grace.
About the latter end of April 1737, being full nineteen, I removed to Durham, and began to work on my farm, and so continued till I was twenty years old; tho’ frequently longing after a liberal education. When I was about twenty, I applied myself to study, and was engaged more than ever in the duties of religion. I became very watchful over my thoughts, words and actions, because I designed to devote myself to the ministry.
Some time in April 1738, I went to Mr. Fiske’s, and lived with him during his life[¹]. He advised me wholly to abandon young company, and associate myself with grave elderly people: which counsel I followed; and my manner of life was now exceeding regular. I read my bible more than twice through in less than a year. I spent much time every day in secret-duties; I gave great attention to the word preached, and endeavoured to retain it. I agreed with some young persons to meet on sabbath-evenings for religious exercises; and after our meeting was ended, I used to repeat the discourses of the day to myself, though sometimes it was late in the night. On Monday mornings I used to recollect the same sermons. And I had sometimes considerable movings of affections in duties, and much pleasure therein.
[¹] Mr. Fiske was pastor of the church in Haddam.
After Mr. Fiske’s death, I proceeded in my learning with my brother, and was still very constant in religious duties. Thus I proceeded on a self-righteous foundation;[¹] and should still had not the mere mercy of God prevented.
[¹] I doubt that: I believe, this was true religion as far as it went.
In the beginning of winter, 1738, it pleased God one sabbath-day morning, as I was walking out for secret duties, to give me on a sudden, such a sense of my danger, and the wrath of God, that I stood amazed, and was much distressed all that day, fearing the vengeance of God would soon overtake me. I kept much alone, and sometimes grudged the birds and beasts their happiness, because they were not exposed to eternal misery, as I saw I was. And thus I lived from day to day, in great distress: sometimes there appeared mountains before me to obstruct my hopes of mercy; I used, however to pray and cry to God, and perform other duties with great earnestness.
In February, 1738–9, I set apart a day for secret fasting and prayer, and spent the day in almost incessant cries to God, that he would open my eyes to see the evil of sin, and the way of life by Jesus Christ. And God was pleased that day to make considerable discoveries of my heart to me, and to shew me my helplessness. I constantly strove after whatever qualifications I imagined others obtained before the reception of Christ. Sometimes I felt the power of an hard heart, and supposed it must be softened before Christ would accept of me; and when I felt any meltings of heart, I hoped now the work was almost done; and hence, when my distress still remained, I was wont to murmur at God’s dealings with me.
*Sometimes I grew remiss without any great convictions for a considerable time together; but after such a season, convictions seized me more violently. One night in particular, when I was walking solitarily abroad, I had such a view of my sin, that I feared the ground would cleave asunder, and send my soul quick into hell. And though I was forced to go to bed, lest my distress should be discovered by others; yet I scarce durst sleep at all, for I thought it would be a great wonder, if I should be out of hell in the morning. But though my distress was thus great, yet I dreaded the loss of convictions, and returning back to my former insensibility; which made me exceeding exact in my behaviour, lest I should stifle the motions of God’s spirit.