The many distresses I met with, put me into a most horrible contesting with the Almighty: with an inward vehemence, finding fault with his ways of dealing with mankind. I found great fault with the imputation of Adam’s sin to his posterity; and my wicked heart often wished for some other way of salvation, than by Jesus Christ. I wished sometimes there was no God, or that there were some other God that could controul him. These thoughts frequently passed before I was aware; but, when I considered this, it distressed me, to think, that my heart was so full of enmity against God; and it made me tremble, lest God’s vengeance should suddenly fall upon me. I used before, to imagine my heart was not so bad, as the scriptures represented. Sometimes I used to take much pains to bring it into an humble submissive disposition; but on a sudden, the thoughts of the strictness of the law, or the sovereignty of God, would so irritate the corruption of my heart, that it would break over all bounds, and burst forth on all sides, like floods of waters when they break down their damm.
While I was in this distressed state, the corruption of my heart was especially irritated by these things following,
1. The strictness of the divine law. For I found it was impossible for me (after my utmost pains) to answer the demands of it. I often made resolutions, and as often broke them. I imputed the whole to want of being more watchful, and used to call myself a fool for my negligence. But when, upon a stronger resolution, and greater endeavours, fasting and prayer, I found all attempts fail, then I quarrelled with the law of God, as unreasonably rigid. I thought, if it extended only to my outward actions, I could bear with it; but I found it condemned me for the sins of my heart, which I could not possibly prevent. I was extremely loath to give out, and own my utter helplessness; but after repeated disappointments, thought that, rather than perish, I could do a little more still, especially if such and such circumstances might but attend my endeavours; I hoped, that I should strive more earnestly than ever: and this hope of future more favourable circumstances, and of doing something hereafter, kept me from utter despair of myself, and from seeing myself fallen into the hands of God, and dependent on nothing but boundless grace.
*2. Another thing was, that faith alone was the condition of salvation; and that God would not come down to lower terms; that he would not promise life and salvation upon my sincere prayers and endeavours. That word, Mark xvi. 16. “He that believeth not, shall be damned,” cut off all hope there; and I found, faith was the gift of God; that I could not get it of myself, and could not oblige God to bestow it upon me, by any of my performances. “This,” I was ready to say, “is a hard saying, who can bear it?” I could not bear, that all I had done should stand for a mere nothing, who had been very conscientious in duty, and had been exceeding religious a great while, and had (as I thought) done much more than many others that had obtained mercy. I confessed indeed the vileness of my duties; but then, what made them at that time seem vile, was my wandering thoughts in them; not because I was all over defiled, and the principle corrupt from whence they flowed, so that I could not possibly do any thing that was good. And therefore I called what I did, by the name of faithful endeavours; and could not bear it, that God had made no promises of salvation to them.
*3. Another thing was, that I could not find out how to come to Christ. I read the calls of Christ, made to the weary and heavy laden; but could find no way that he directed them to come in. I thought I would gladly come, if I knew how, though the path of duty directed to what was never so difficult. Mr. Stoddard’s Guide to Christ did not tell me any thing I could do, that would bring me to Christ, but left me as it were with a great gulph between me and Christ, without any direction to get through. For I was not yet experimentally taught, that there could be no way prescribed, whereby a natural man could of his own strength, obtain that which is supernatural, and which the highest angel cannot give.
*All this time the Spirit of God was powerfully at work with me; and I was inwardly pressed to relinquish all self-confidence, all hopes of ever helping myself by any means whatsoever; and the conviction of my lost estate was sometimes so clear, that it was as if it had been declared to me in so many words, “It is done, it is for ever impossible to deliver yourself.” For about three or four days, my soul was thus distressed, especially at some turns, when for a few moments I seemed to myself lost and undone: but then would shrink back immediately from the sight, because I dared not venture myself into the hands of God, as wholly helpless. I dared not see that important truth, that I was dead in trespasses and sins. But when I had thrust away these views of myself at any time, I was distressed to have the same discoveries again: for I greatly feared being given over of God to final stupidity. When I thought of putting it off to a more convenient season, the conviction was so powerful with regard to the present time, that it was the best time, and probably the only time, that I dared not to put it off. Yet my soul shrank away from it; I could see no safety in throwing myself into the hands of God, and that I could lay no claim to any thing better than damnation.
*But after a considerable time spent in such distresses, one morning, while I was walking in a solitary place, as usual, I at once saw that all my contrivances to procure salvation for myself, were utterly in vain: I was brought quite to a stand as finding myself totally lost. I had thought many times, that the difficulties were very great; but now I saw, that it was for ever impossible for me to do any thing towards delivering myself. I then blamed myself, that I had not done more, while I had opportunity; (for it seemed now as if the season of doing was for ever over and gone.) But I instantly saw, that let me have done what I would, it would no more have tended to my helping myself, than what I had done; that I had made all the pleas I ever could have made to all eternity; and that all my pleas were vain. The tumult that had been before in my mind, was now quieted; and I was something eased of that distress, which I felt, while struggling against a sight of myself. I had the greatest certainty that my state was forever miserable, for all that I could do: and was astonished that I had never been sensible of it before.
While I remained in this state, my notions respecting my duties, were quite different from what I had ever entertained in times past. Now I saw, there was no necessary connection between my prayers and the divine mercy: that they laid not the least obligation upon God to bestow his grace upon me; and that there was no more goodness in them, than there would be in my paddling with my hand in the water; and this because they were not performed from any love to God. I saw that I had heaped up my devotions before God, fasting, praying, &c. really thinking I was aiming at the glory of God; whereas I never once truly intended it.[¹]
[¹] I doubt that.
I continued in this state of mind from Friday morning till the sabbath-evening following, July 12, 1739, when I was walking again in the same solitary place, and attempting to pray, but found no heart to engage in that or any other duty. Having been thus endeavouring to pray for near half an hour, (and by this time the sun was about half an hour high) as I was walking in a dark thick grove, unspeakable glory opened to the view of my soul: I do not mean any external brightness, but a new inward apprehension or view that I had of God, such as I never had before. I stood still and admired! I had never seen before any thing comparable to it for excellency and beauty; it was widely different from all the conceptions that ever I had of God, or things divine. I had no particular apprehension of any one person in the Trinity, either the Father, the Son, or the Holy Ghost; but it appeared to be divine glory that I then beheld; and my soul [♦]rejoiced with joy unspeakable, to see such a God, such a glorious divine being; and I was inwardly pleased and satisfied, that he should be God over all for ever and ever. My soul was so captivated and delighted with the excellency, loveliness, greatness, and other perfections of God, that I was even swallowed up in him, so that at first, I scarce reflected there was such a creature as myself.