In the time of the awakening at college, several students associated themselves, who were wont freely to open themselves one to another: Mr. Brainerd was one of this company. And it once happened, that he and two or three more of these his intimate friends were in the hall together, after Mr. Whittelsey, one of the tutors, had been to prayer there with the scholars; no other person now remaining in the hall, but Mr. Brainerd and these his companions. Mr. Whittelsey having been unusually pathetical in his prayer, one of Brainerd’s friends asked him what he thought of Mr. Whittelsey; he made answer, “He has no more grace than this chair.” One happening at that time to be near the hall over-heard those words, though he knew not who the person was, which was thus censured. He informed a woman who went and informed the rector. He sent for the man and examined him; and he told the rector the words that he heard Brainerd utter, and informed him who were in the room with him at that time. Upon which the rector sent for them: they were very backward to inform against their friend, of what they looked upon as private conversation, yet the rector compelled them to declare what he said, and of whom he said it.—Brainerd thought, that what he said in private, was injuriously extorted from his friends, and that it was injuriously required of him to make a public confession, before the whole college, for what he had said only in private conversation.—He not complying with this demand, and having gone once to the separate meeting at New-Haven, when forbidden by the rector, was expelled the college.
His expulsion was in the winter anno 1741–2, while he was in his third year in college.]
PART II.
From the time that he began to devote himself to the study of divinity, till he was examined and licensed to preach.
[MR. Brainerd, the spring after his expulsion, went to live with the Rev. Mr. Mills, of Ripton, to follow his studies with him, in order to his being fitted for the ministry; where he spent the greater part of the time till licensed to preach.]—The following account is in his own words.
Thursday, April 1, 1742. I seem to be declining with respect to my life and warmth in divine things; O that God would humble me deeply in the dust! I deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, “who has loved me, and given himself for me;” and every time I am enabled to exercise any grace, I am indebted to the God of all grace for it. “Where then is boasting?” Surely “it is excluded,” since we depend on God for the being and every act of grace.
*Friday, April 2. I felt myself much resigned, calm, and serene. What are all the storms of this lower world, if Jesus does but come [♦]walking on the seas!—Some time past, I had much pleasure in the prospect of the Heathen’s being brought home to Christ, and desired that the Lord would employ me in that work;—but now my soul more frequently desires to die, to be with Christ. O that my soul were wrapt up in love, and my longing after God increased!
[♦] “walk-on” replaced with “walking on”
Saturday, April 3. I thought, if God would take me to himself, my soul would exceedingly rejoice. O that I may be always humble and resigned to God, and that God would fix my soul on himself, that I may be more fitted both for doing and suffering!