*Lord’s-day, April 4. O my blessed God! Let me climb up near to him, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and reach, and stretch after him, and for deliverance from the body of sin and death.—Alas! my soul mourned to think I should ever lose sight of its Beloved again. “O come, Lord Jesus, Amen.”
*Tuesday, April 6. I cried to God to wash my soul, and cleanse me from my exceeding filthiness.—And I could think of undergoing the greatest sufferings, with pleasure; and found myself willing (if God should so order it) to suffer banishment from my native land, among the Heathen, that I might do something for their salvation, in distresses and deaths of any kind.—Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly for others, for the kingdom of Christ in the world, and for my dear Christian friends.—I felt myself weaned from the world, and from my own reputation, willing to be despised, and to be a gazing-stock for the world.—It is impossible for me to express what I then felt: I had not much joy, but a sense of the majesty of God, which made me tremble; I saw myself mean and vile, which made me more willing that God should do what he would with me; it was all infinitely reasonable.
Thursday, April 8. I had hopes respecting the Heathen. O that God would bring in numbers of them to Christ! I cannot but hope I shall see that glorious day.—Every thing in this world seems exceeding vile and little to me: I look so myself.
Saturday, April 10. I spent much time in secret this morning, and not without some comfort; but am so low, and feel so little of the presence of God, that I hardly know what to call faith, and am made to “possess the sins of my youth,” and the dreadful sin of my nature, and am all sin. Yet I feel some faint hopes, that God will, of his infinite mercy, return.
Lord’s-day, April 11. I had sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at the heavenly world. O for the happy day!—After public worship God gave me special assistance in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord with much sweetness; and intercession was a sweet and delightful employment.—In the evening, as I was viewing the lights in the north, I was delighted in contemplation on the glorious morning of the resurrection.
*Monday, April 12. This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the light of his countenance upon me in secret prayer, and made the season very precious to my soul. I felt myself exceeding calm, and quite resigned to God, respecting my future employment: my faith lifted me above the world, and removed all those mountains, that I could not look over of late: I wanted not the favour of men to lean upon; for I knew Christ’s favour was infinitely better, and that it was no matter when, nor where, nor how Christ should send me, nor what trials he should exercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and will. I now found sweetly revived in my mind the wonderful discovery of infinite wisdom in all the dispensations of God towards me, which I had a little before I met with my great trial at college; every thing appeared full of the wisdom of God.
Wednesday, April 14. My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for the mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. O there is a sweet day coming, wherein “the weary will be at rest!” My soul has enjoyed much sweetness this day in the hopes of its speedy arrival.
Thursday, April 15. My desires centered in God, and I found a sensible attraction of soul after him: I long for God, and a conformity to his will, in inward holiness, ten thousand times more than for any thing here below.
Lord’s-day, April 18. I retired early this morning in the woods; and was enabled to plead with fervency for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom.—At night I saw myself infinitely indebted to God, and had a view of my short comings: it seemed to me, that I had done nothing for God, and that I had lived to him but a few hours of my life.
*Monday, April 19. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer to God for his grace, to prepare me for the work of the ministry, and in his own time to send me into his harvest. I felt a power of intercession for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear Lord; and withal, a sweet resignation, and even joy in the thoughts of suffering hardships, distresses, yea death itself, in the promotion of it. In the afternoon, “God was with me of a truth.” O it was blessed company indeed! God enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet with sweat, tho’ in the shade. My soul was drawn out very much for the world; I grasped for multitudes of souls. I had more enlargement for sinners, than for the children of God; though I felt as if I could spend my life in cries for both. I never felt such an entire weanedness from this world, and so much resigned to God in every thing.—O that I may always live to and upon my blessed God!