Tuesday, April 20. This day I am twenty-four years of age. O how much mercy have I received the year past! How often has God “caused his goodness to pass before me!” And how poorly have I answered the vows I made this time twelvemonth, to be wholly the Lord’s, to be for ever devoted to his service! The Lord help me to live more to his glory.——This has been a sweet day to me: blessed be God. I think my soul was never so drawn out in intercession for others. I had a fervent wrestle with the Lord for my enemies; and I hardly ever so longed to live to God, and to be altogether devoted to him.
Lord’s day, April 25. This morning I spent about two hours in secret, and was enabled more than ordinarily to agonize for immortal souls; though it was early in the morning, and the sun scarcely shined at all, yet my body was quite wet with sweat. I felt myself much pressed, as frequently of late, to plead for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb of God. O it is a sweet disposition, heartily to forgive all injuries, to wish our greatest enemies as well as we do our own souls! Blessed Jesus, may I daily be more and more conformed to thee! At night I was exceedingly melted with divine love, and had a sense of the blessedness of the upper world. Those words hung upon me with much sweetness, Psalms lxxxiv. 7. “They go from strength to strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before God.” O the near access that God sometimes gives us in our addresses to him! This may well be termed appearing before God; it is so indeed, in the true spiritual sense. I longed for the coming of my dear Lord; I longed to join the angelic hosts in praises, wholly free from imperfection. O the blessed moment hastens! All I want is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord. O for sanctification! My very soul pants for the compleat restoration of the blessed image of my Saviour; that I may be fit for the blessed enjoyments and employments of the heavenly world.
Monday, April 26. I continued in a sweet frame of mind. God was pleased to make it a humbling season. My soul exceedingly longs for that blessed state of perfection, of deliverance from all sin!——At night God enabled me to give my soul up to him, to cast myself upon him, to be disposed of according to his sovereign pleasure; and I enjoyed great peace and consolation in so doing. My soul took sweet delight in God: my thoughts freely and sweetly centered in him. O that I could spend every moment of my life to his glory!
*Tuesday, April 27. I retired and God was pleased to pour such ineffable comforts into my soul, that I could do nothing for sometime but say over and over, “O my sweet Saviour! O my sweet Saviour! Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.” If I had a thousand lives, my soul would gladly have laid them all down, to have been with Christ. My soul never enjoyed so much of heaven before; it was the most refined communion with God I ever felt: I never before felt so great a degree of resignation.
*Wednesday, April 28. I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, and spent about two hours in secret. I felt much as I did yesterday morning, only weaker and more overcome. I seemed to hang wholly on my dear Lord; wholly weaned from all other dependencies. I knew not what to say to my God, but only lean on his bosom, as it were, and breathe out my desires after perfect conformity to him in all things. Thirsting desires and insatiable longings, possessed my soul after perfect holiness; God was so precious to my soul, that the world with all its enjoyments was infinitely vile; I had no more value for the favour of men, than for pebbles: the Lord was my all; and he over ruled all; which greatly delighted me. I think my faith and dependance on God scarce ever rose so high. I saw him such a fountain of goodness, that it seemed impossible I should distrust him again, or be any way anxious about any thing that should happen to me.——In the evening my heart seemed sweetly to melt, and was humbled for indwelling corruption, and I mourned like a dove. I felt that all my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner; for with resignation I could welcome all other trials; but sin hung heavy upon me: for God discovered to me the corruption of my heart; so that I went to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a sinner: though I did not in the least doubt of God’s love. O that God would “purge away all my dross, and take away my [♦]tin.”
[♦] “sin” replaced with “tin” per Errata
Friday, April 30. Nothing grieves me so much as that I cannot live constantly to God’s glory. I could bear any spiritual conflicts, if I could but have my heart all the while burning with love to God; for when I feel this I cannot be dejected, but only rejoice in my Saviour, who has delivered me from the reigning power, and will shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin.
Lord’s-day, May 2. God was pleased to give me such a sight of myself, as made me appear vile in my own eyes: I felt corruption in my heart, which I could by no means suppress; I was exceeding weak, and almost sick with my inward trials.
Lord’s-day, May 9. I never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart, as well as the stubbornness of my will before. O what a wretch I am! I could not submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the dust. Oh that God would humble me! I felt myself such a sinner, all day, that I had scarce any comfort. Oh when shall I be “delivered from the body of this death!” I greatly feared, lest through stupidity I should lose the benefit of these trials. O that they might be sanctified to my soul! Nothing seemed to touch me but this, that I was a sinner.
Thursday, May 13. I saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought there was so much spiritual pride in my soul: I was almost pressed to death with my vileness. Oh what a body of death is there in me! Lord, deliver my soul. O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can be enjoyed on earth!