PART V.
From his first beginning to instruct the Indians at Kaunaumeek, to his Ordination.
FRIDAY, April 1, 1743. I rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles from Stockbridge, where the Indians live, and I lodged on a little heap of straw. I was greatly exercised with inward distresses all day; and in the evening seemed to have no God to go to. O that God would help me!
The place was sufficiently lonesome, and unpleasant, being encompassed with mountains and woods; twenty miles distant from any English inhabitants; six or seven from any Dutch; and more than two from a family that came, from the Highlands of Scotland, and had then lived about two years in this wilderness. In this family I lodged about the space of three months, the master of it being the only person with whom I could readily converse in those parts, except my interpreter; others understanding very little English.
Thursday, April 7. I appeared to myself exceeding ignorant, weak, helpless, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me I should never do any service, or have any success among the Indians. My soul was weary of life: I longed for death, beyond measure. When I thought of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, “Oh, when will my turn come! Must it be years first!”—But I know those desires rose partly for want of resignation to God. Towards night, I had faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. O that God would keep me near him!
*Friday, April 8. I was exceedingly pressed under a sense of my party-spirit, in times past, while I attempted to promote the cause of God: its vile nature appeared in such odious colours, that my very heart was pained: I saw how poor souls stumbled over it into everlasting destruction, and was constrained to make that prayer in the bitterness of my soul, “O Lord, deliver me from blood-guiltiness.” I saw my desert of hell on this account. My soul was full of anguish and shame before God, that I had spent so much time in conversation tending only to promote a party-spirit. I saw I had not duly prized mortification, self-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness, love, candour, and holiness of heart and life.—Of late, I have thought much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in the world; but now I saw I had enough to do myself. The Lord be merciful to me a sinner.
Lord’s-day, April 10. I preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly in general: two or three appeared under some concern; with whom I discoursed privately; and one told me, “her heart had cried, ever since she heard me preach first.”
Wednesday, April 13. I verily thought I was the meanest, vilest, most helpless, ignorant creature living. And yet I knew what God had done for my soul: though sometimes I was assaulted with doubts, whether it was possible for such a wretch as I, to be in a state of grace.
Tuesday, April 19. In the morning, I enjoyed sweet repose in God; felt some confidence; and was refreshed and comforted. My soul was lifted above the deep waters, wherein it has been so long almost drowned; I found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in my own soul, more than in the Heathen world.
Wednesday, April 20. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul before God for grace; especially that all my inward distresses might be sanctified to my soul. I endeavoured also to remember the goodness of God to me in the year past. Having obtained help of God, I am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My soul was pained, to think of my barrenness; that I have lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and there poured out my complaint to God. O that God would enable me to live to his glory for the future!