*“Whereas I have said before several persons, concerning Mr. Whittelsey, one of the tutors of Yale-college, that I did not believe he had any more grace than the chair I then leaned upon; I humbly confess that herein I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules of his word, and have injured Mr. Whittelsey. I had no right to make thus free with his character; and had no just reason to say as I did concerning him. My fault herein was the more aggravated, in that I said this concerning one that was so much my superior, and one that I was obliged to treat with special respect and honour, by reason of the relation I stood in to him in the college. Such a manner of behaviour, I confess, did not become a Christian; it was taking too much upon me, and did not favour of that humble respect, that I ought to have expressed towards Mr. Whittelsey. I have often reflected on this act with grief, on account of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low, and be abased before God and man for it: and humbly ask the forgiveness of the governors of the college, and of the whole society; but of Mr. Whittelsey in particular. And I now appear, to judge and condemn myself for going once to the separate meeting in New-Haven, though the rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask the rector’s forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college shall ever see cause to remove the academical censure I lie under, or no, yet I am willing to appear, if they think fit, openly to own, and to humble myself for those things I have herein confessed.”
*God has made me willing to do any thing, that I can do, consistent with truth, for the sake of peace, and that I might not be a stumbling-block and offence to others. For this reason I can chearfully give up what I verily believe, after the most impartial search, is my right. God has given me that disposition, that if this were the case, that a man has done me an hundred injuries, and I (though ever so much provoked to it) have done him one, I am heartily willing humbly to confess my fault to him, and on my knees to ask forgiveness of him; though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injuries he has done me, and should only make use of my humble confession to blacken my character the more, and represent me as the only person guilty; yea, though he should as it were insult me, and say, “he knew all this before, and that I was making work for repentance.” Though what I said concerning Mr. Whittelsey was only spoken in private, to a friend or two; and being partly overheard, was related to the rector, and by him extorted from my friends; yet, seeing it was divulged and made public, I was willing to confess my fault therein publickly.[¹]
[¹] I was witness to the very Christian spirit Mr. Brainerd shewed at that time, being then at New-Haven, and being one that he saw fit to consult on that occasion. (This was the first time that ever I had opportunity of personal acquaintance with him.) There appeared in him a great degree of calmness and humility; without the least appearance of rising of spirit for any ill-treatment he had suffered, or the least backwardness to abase himself before them whom he thought, had wronged him. What he did was without any appearance of reluctance even in private to his friends. Earnest application was made on his behalf to the authority of the college, that he might have his degree then given him; and particularly by the Rev. Mr. Burr of Newark, one of the correspondents of the honourable society in Scotland; he being sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners, for that end; and many arguments were used, but without success.——What manner of spirit were these governors of? Do these dare to call themselves Christians? What is this Mr. Whittelsey? Was he worthy to carry Mr. Brainerd’s books after him?
[The next day he went to Derby; then to Southbury, where he spent the Sabbath.]
Tuesday, September 20. I had thoughts of going forward on my journey to my Indians; but towards night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth, and shivering cold, and could not possibly recover a comfortable decree of warmth the whole night following. I continued very full of pain all night; and in the morning had a fever, and pains almost all over my body. I had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this to be the place of my sickness, among my friends. I should probably have perished, if I had first got home to my own house in the wilderness, where I have none to converse with but the poor rude ignorant Indians. I continued thus, mostly confined to my bed, till Friday night; very full of pain; but not afraid of death.——On Friday evening my pains went off suddenly.
[From this time, he gradually recovered; and on the next Tuesday was able to go forward on his journey; but was till the Tuesday following before he reached Kaunaumeek.]
Tuesday, October 4. This day I rode home to my own house and people. The poor Indians appeared very glad of my return. I presently fell on my knees, and blessed God for my safe return. I have taken many considerable journeys since this time last year, and yet God has never suffered one of my bones to be broken, or any calamity to befal me, though I have been often exposed to cold and hunger in the wilderness, where the comforts of life were not to be had; have frequently been lost in the woods; and once lay out in the woods all night.
Lord’s-day, October 16. I retired, and poured out my soul to God with much freedom; and yet in anguish, to find my soul so unspeakably sinful and unworthy before a holy God. I was now much resigned under God’s dispensations towards me, though my trials had been very great. But thought whether I could be resigned, if God should let the French Indians come upon me, and deprive me of my life, or carry me away captive, (though I knew of no special reason then to propose this trial to myself,) and my soul seemed so far to rest in God, that the sting and terror of these things was gone. Presently after I received the following letter by a messenger sent on purpose.
“Sir, Just now we received advices from Colonel Stoddard, that there is the utmost danger of a rupture with France. He has received the same from his excellency our governor, ordering him to give notice to all the exposed places, that they may secure themselves the best they can against any sudden invasion. We thought best to send directly to Kaunaumeek, that you may take the prudentest measures for your safety. I am, Sir, &c.”
I thought, it came in a good season; for my heart seemed fixed on God, and therefore I was not surprised: but this news only made me more serious, and taught me that I must not please myself with any of the comforts of life which I had been preparing.