[²] You may as sure as God is true.
Thursday, February 9. I observed this day as a day of fasting and prayer, intreating of God to bestow upon me his blessing and grace: especially to enable me to live a life of mortification to the world, as well as of resignation and patience. I enjoyed a realizing sense of divine power and goodness in prayer: and was enabled to roll the burden of myself and friends, and of Zion, upon the goodness of God.
Friday, February 10. I was exceedingly oppressed with shame, grief, and fear, under a sense of my past folly. When God sets before me my past misconduct, especially any instances of misguided zeal, it sinks my soul into shame and confusion.—I have no confidence to hold up my face, even before my fellow-worms; but only when my soul confides in God, and I find the sweet temper of Christ, the spirit of humility, solemnity, and mortification, and resignation, alive in my soul.
Monday, February 13. I rode to Stockbridge, and had a more refreshing taste of heavenly blessedness, than I have enjoyed for many months past. I have many times, of late, felt as ardent desires of holiness as ever; but not so much sense of the unspeakable pleasure of heaven. My soul longed to leave earth, and bear a part with angels in their celestial employments. My soul said, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and it appeared to me better to die, than to lose the relish of these heavenly delights.
Wednesday, February 22. I had as clear a sense of the pollution of my nature, as ever I had in my life. I appeared to myself inexpressibly lothsome; sins of childhood, of early youth, and such follies as I had not thought of for years together, came fresh to my view, as if committed but yesterday. Yet I was supported under my burdens; and found it was comfortable to lean on God.
*Friday, March 2. I never felt so much love to my enemies, (though at that time I found such a disposition, that I scarce knew how to think that any such thing as enmity lodged in any soul; it seemed as if all the world must needs be friends;) and never prayed with more freedom and delight, for myself, or dearest friend, than I did now for them.
*Saturday, March 3. I spent an hour in prayer, with great freedom, and with the most soft and tender affection towards mankind. I longed that those who owe me ill-will, might be eternally happy: it seemed refreshing, to think of meeting them in heaven, how much soever they had injured me on earth: I had no disposition to insist upon any confession from them, in order to reconciliation, and the exercise of love and kindness to them. O it is an emblem of heaven, to love all the world with a love of kindness and benevolence; to feel our souls sedate, mild and meek; to be void of all evil-surmisings and suspicions, scarce able to think evil of any man; to find our hearts, simple, open and free, to those that look upon us with a different eye.
*Lord’s-day, March 4. I enjoyed the same intenseness in prayer as yesterday, felt the same spirit of love, universal benevolence, forgiveness, humility, resignation, mortification to the world, and composure of mind. “My soul rested in God;” and I found, I wanted no other refuge or friend. While my soul thus trusts in God, all things seem to be at peace with me, even the stones of the earth; but when I cannot confide in God, all things appear with a different aspect.
*Saturday, March 10. I felt exceeding dead to the world, and all its enjoyments: I was ready to give up life and all its comforts, as soon as called to it; and yet then had as much comfort of life as almost ever I had. Life itself appeared but an empty bubble; the riches, honours, and enjoyments of it extremely tasteless. I longed to be perpetually and entirely crucified to all things here below. My soul was sweetly resigned to God’s disposal of me, in every regard; and I saw, there had nothing happened to me but what was best for me. I confided in God, that he would “never leave me,” though I should “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” It was “my meat and drink to be holy, to live to the Lord, and to die to the Lord.” And I then enjoyed such an heaven, as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions of an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond what I myself could conceive at another time. I did not wonder, that Peter said, “Lord it is good to be here,” when thus refreshed with divine glories. My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially of sweet affection to some godly ministers. I prayed earnestly for those I have reason to fear are my enemies; and could not have spoken a word of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest man living. I had a sense of my own great unworthiness. My soul seemed to breathe forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he would let his children love and receive me as one of their brethren and fellow-citizens; and when I thought of their treating me in that manner, I longed to lie at their feet; and could think of no way to express the sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem of them, as being much better than myself.—I longed to get on my knees, and ask forgiveness of every body that ever had seen any thing amiss in my past conduct, especially in my religious zeal.
Lord’s-day, March 11. I had some freedom, affection, and fervency in addressing my poor people; longing that God should take hold of their hearts. And indeed I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to leave off speaking.[¹]