Monday, June 25. To an eye of reason every thing that respects the conversion of the Heathen is as dark as midnight; and yet I cannot but hope in God, for the accomplishment of something glorious among them. I longed much for the advancement of the Redeemer’s kingdom on earth, and was very fearful lest I should admit some vain thought, and so lose the sense I had of divine things. O for an abiding heavenly temper!
*Tuesday, June 26. I was much discouraged with the extreme difficulty of the work; yet God supported me; and though the work of their conversion appeared “impossible with man, yet with God” I saw “all things were possible.” I was much assisted in prayer, especially for the poor Heathen, and those of my own charge: and hoped that God would bow the heavens and come down for their salvation. It seemed to me, there could be no impediment sufficient to obstruct that glorious work, seeing the living God was engaged for it. I continued solemnly lifting up my heart to God, that I might be more mortified to this world, that my soul might be taken up continually in the advancement of Christ’s kingdom: and longed that God would purge me more, that I might be as a chosen vessel to bear his name among the Heathens.
Wednesday, June 27. In the afternoon, I rode several miles to see if I could procure any lands for the poor Indians, that they might live together, and be under better advantages for instruction. While I was riding, I had a deep sense of the difficulty of my work; and my soul relied wholly upon God for success, in the diligent and faithful use of means. I saw with the greatest certainty, that the arm of the Lord must be revealed, for the help of these poor Heathen, if ever they were delivered from the bondage of the powers of darkness.
Thursday, June 28. Towards noon I rode up to the Indians; and while going, my heart went up to God in prayer for them; I could freely tell God, he knew the cause was not mine, but his own, and it would be for his own glory to convert the poor Indians: and blessed be God. I felt no desire of honour from the world, as the instrument of it.
Saturday, June 30. My soul was much solemnized in reading God’s word; especially the ninth chapter of Daniel. *I saw how God had called out his servants to prayer, and made them wrestle with him, when he designed to bestow any great mercy on his church. And I was ashamed of myself, to think of my dulness and inactivity, when there seemed to be so much to do for the upbuilding of Zion. Oh, how does Zion lie waste! I longed, that the church of God might be enlarged: and was enabled to pray in faith; my soul seemed sensibly to confide in God, and was enabled to wrestle with him. Afterwards, I walked abroad to a place of sweet retirement, and enjoyed assistance in prayer again: had a sense of my great need of divine help, and felt my soul sensibly depend on God.
*Lord’s day, July 1. After I came to the Indians, my mind was confused; and I felt nothing of that sweet reliance on God, that my soul has been comforted with in days past. In the afternoon I felt still barren, when I began to preach; I seemed to myself to know nothing, and to have nothing to say to the Indians; but soon after, I found in myself a spirit of love, and warmth, and power; and God helped me to plead with them, to “turn from all the vanities of the Heathen, to the living God:” I am persuaded, the Lord touched their consciences; for I never saw such attention in them before. When I came away, I spent the whole time I was riding, in prayer and praise to God. And after I had rode two miles, it came into my mind to dedicate myself to God again: which I did with great solemnity, and unspeakable satisfaction; especially giving up myself to him anew in the work of the ministry. And this I did without any exception or reserve; not in the least shrinking back from any difficulties, that might attend this blessed work. I was most free, chearful, and full in this dedication of myself. My whole soul cried, “Lord, to thee I dedicate myself: O accept of me, and let me be thine for ever. Lord, I desire nothing else; I desire nothing more. O come, come Lord, accept a poor worm. ‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth, that I desire besides thee.’” After this, I was enabled to praise God with my whole soul, that he had enabled me to devote and consecrate all my powers to him in this solemn manner. My heart rejoiced in my particular work as a missionary; rejoiced in my necessity of self-denial; and still continued to give up myself to God, and implore mercy of him; praying incessantly, every moment, with sweet fervency. My nature being very weak of late, was now considerably overcome: my fingers grew very feeble, and numb, so that I could scarcely stretch them out strait; and when I lighted from my horse I could hardly walk, my joints seeming all to be loosed. But I felt abundant strength in the inner man. I preached to the white people, and God helped me much. Sundry of my poor Indians were so moved as to come to meeting also; and one appeared much concerned.
Tuesday, July 3. This morning, I was enabled to pray under a feeling sense of my need of help, to plead with God a considerable time. Truly God is good to me. But my soul was grieved at my sinfulness and [♦]barrenness, and longed to be more engaged for God. O it is sweet to be the Lord’s, to be sensibly devoted to him! What a blessed portion is God! How glorious, how lovely! O my soul longed to employ my time wholly for God!—In the evening, I was enabled again to wrestle with God in prayer with fervency to maintain a self-diffident and watchful frame of spirit, jealous and afraid lest I should admit carelessness or self-confidence.
[♦] “barreness” replaced with “barrenness”
Friday, July 6. I am of late, most of all concerned for ministerial qualifications, and the conversion of the Heathen; last year, I longed to be prepared for a world of glory, and speedily to depart out of this world; but of late, my chief concern is for the conversion of the Heathen, and for that end, I long to live. But blessed be God, I have less desire to live for any of the pleasures of the world, than ever I had: I long and love to be a pilgrim; and want grace to imitate the life, labours and sufferings of St. Paul among the Heathen. And when I long for holiness now, it is chiefly, that whereby I may become an “able minister of the New Testament,” especially to the Heathen. I spent two hours this morning in reading and prayer; and was in a watchful tender frame, afraid of every thing that might cool my affections, and draw away my heart from God.
*Lord’s day, July 8. I was watchful, tender, and jealous of my own heart, lest I should admit carelessness and vain thoughts, and grieve the blessed Spirit, so that he should withdraw his sweet, kind, and tender influences. I longed to “depart, and be with Christ,” more than at any time of late. My soul was exceedingly united to the saints of antient times, as well as those now living; especially my soul melted for the society of Elijah and Elisha.