Wednesday, July 11. My soul was diffident, watchful, and tender, lest I should offend my blessed Friend, in thought or behaviour. I confided in, and leaned upon the blessed God. Oh, what need did I see myself to stand in of God at all times, to assist me and lead me!
Saturday, July 21. Towards night my burden respecting my work among the Indians began to increase much; and was aggravated by hearing sundry things that looked very discouraging, in particular that they intended to meet together the next day for an idolatrous feast and dance. Then I began to be in anguish: I thought I must in conscience go and endeavour to break them up; and knew not how to attempt such a thing. However I withdrew to prayer, hoping for strength from above. And in prayer I was exceedingly enlarged, and my soul was much drawn out. I pleaded with so much earnestness and importunity, that when I arose from my knees I could scarcely walk straight, my joints were loosed, the sweat ran down my face and body, and nature seemed as if it would dissolve. I knew they were met together to worship devils, and not God, and this made me cry earnestly that God would appear, and help me in my attempts to break up this idolatrous meeting. My soul pleaded long; and I thought God would go with me to vindicate his own cause: and thus I spent the evening, praying incessantly that I might not be self-dependent, but have my whole dependence upon God. What I passed through was inexpressible. *All things here below vanished; and there appeared to be nothing of any importance to me, but holiness of heart and life, and the conversion of the Heathen to God. All my cares, fears, and desires, which might be said to be of a worldly nature, disappeared; and were of little more importance than a puff of wind. I exceedingly longed, that God would get to himself a name among the Heathen; and I appealed to him with the greatest freedom, that he knew I “preferred him above my chief joy.” Indeed, I had no notion of joy from this world; I cared not where or how I lived, or what hardships I went through, so that I could but gain souls to Christ.
Lord’s day, July 22. When I waked, my soul was burdened with what seemed to be before me: I cried to God, before I could get out of my bed: as soon as I was dressed, I withdrew into the woods, to pour out my soul to him for assistance; and did with unspeakable freedom give up myself afresh to God, for life or death, for all hardships he should call me to among the Heathen; and felt as if nothing could discourage me from this blessed work. I had a strong hope, that God would “bow the heavens and come down,” and do some marvellous work among the Heathen. And when I was riding to the Indians, my heart was continually going up to God; and hoping, that God would make this the day of his power and grace amongst the poor Indians. When I came to them, I found them engaged in their frolic; but through divine goodness I got them to break up and attend my preaching: yet still there appeared nothing of the special power of God among them. I preached again to them in the afternoon; and observed they were more sober than before; but still saw nothing special among them; from whence Satan took occasion to buffet me with these cursed suggestions, There is no God, or if there be, he is not able to convert the Indians, before they have more knowledge. I was very weak and weary, and my soul borne down with perplexity; but was determined still to wait upon God.
Tuesday, July 24. I rode over a hideous mountain, to a number of Indians, at a place called Kauksesauchung, more than thirty miles westward from the place where I usually preach. I found about thirty persons, and proposed my desire of preaching to them: they readily complied, and I preached to them only twice, they being just then removing from this place, to Susquahannah river.
While I was preaching, they appeared sober, and attentive: and were somewhat surprized, having never before heard of these things. There were two or three, who suspected that I had some ill design upon them; and urged, that the white people had abused them, and taken their lands from them, and therefore they had no reason to think that they were concerned for their happiness; but, on the contrary, that they designed to make them slaves, or get them on board their vessels, and make them fight with the people over the water, (as they expressed it,) meaning the French and Spaniards. However the most of them appeared very friendly, and told me they were then going home to Susquahannah, and desired I would make them a visit there, and manifested a considerable desire of instruction.
This invitation gave me some encouragement in my great work; and made me hope, that God designed to “open an [♦]effectual door to me” for spreading the gospel among the poor Heathens farther westward.
[♦] “effectul” replaced with “effectual”
[From these Indians he returned to the Irish settlement, and there preached to a numerous congregation: where was a considerable appearance of awakening. Thursday, he returned home, exceedingly fatigued and spent; still in the same mortification to the world, and solicitous for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom: and on this day he says, “I have felt, this week more of the spirit of a pilgrim on earth, than ever before; and yet so desirous to see Zion’s prosperity, that I was not so willing to leave this scene of sorrow as I used to be.”—On the sabbath, he was confined by illness, not able to go out to preach. He continued very ill all the next week, and says, that “he thought he never before endured such a season of distressing weakness; and that his nature was so spent, that he could neither stand, sit, nor lie with any quiet; that he was exercised with extreme faintness and sickness at his stomach; and that his mind was as much disordered as his body, seeming to be stupid, and without all kind of affection; and yet perplexed, to think, that he lived for nothing, that precious time rolled away, and he could do nothing but trifle.”—Concerning the next five days, he writes thus, “On Lord’s-day, August 5, was still very poor. But though very weak, I visited and preached to the poor Indians twice, and was strengthened vastly beyond my expectations. And indeed the Lord gave me freedom and fervency in addressing them: though I had not strength enough to stand, but was obliged to sit down the whole time. Towards night I was extremely weak, faint, sick, and full of pain. And I have continued much the same last week, thro’ the most of this, (it being now Friday) unable to engage in any business; frequently unable to pray in the family. I have neither strength to read, meditate, nor pray: and this perplexes my mind. I seem like a man that has all his estate embarked in one small boat, unhappily going adrift, down a swift current. The poor owner stands on the shore, and looks, and laments his loss. But, alas! though my all seems to be adrift, and I stand and see it, I dare not lament: for this sinks my spirits more, and aggravates my bodily disorders. O that God would pity my distressed state!”
The next day three weeks, his illness was not so extreme; he was in some degree capable of business: he also had, for the most part, much inward assistance; he often expresses great longings for the enlargement of Christ’s kingdom: he speaks of his hope of this as all his delight and joy. He continues still to express his usual longings after holiness, and living to God, and his sense of his own unworthiness; he several times speaks of his appearing to himself the vilest creature on earth; and once says, that he verily thought there was none of God’s children who fell so far short of that holiness, and perfection in their obedience, which God requires.]
Saturday, September 1. I enjoyed some comfort and sweetness: and as my bodily strength was a little restored, so my soul seemed to be more engaged in the things of God.