Monday, October 8. I visited the Indians with a design to take my leave, supposing they would go out a hunting early; but beyond my expectation and hope, they desired to hear me preach again. I gladly complied with their request, and endeavoured to answer their objections against Christianity. Then they went away; and we spent the afternoon in reading and prayer, intending to go homeward early the next day.
Tuesday, October 9. We rose about four, and commending ourselves to God by prayer, we set out homewards about five, and travelled till past six at night. We then made us a fire, and a shelter of barks, and so rested.—In the night, the wolves howled round us; but God preserved us.
Friday, October 12. I came home to my lodging; where I poured out my soul to God, and endeavoured to bless him for his abundant goodness to me in my late journey. I scarce ever enjoyed more health; and God marvellously, supported me under the fatigues of the way, and travelling on foot. Blessed be the Lord, that preserves me in all my ways.
Lord’s-day, October 14. I was much confused and perplexed in my thoughts; and almost discouraged, thinking I should never be able to preach any more. However, I went to the place of public worship, lifting up my heart, and God was gracious to me, and helped me to plead with him for holiness, and to use strong arguments with him, drawn from the sufferings of Christ for this very end, that men might be made holy. Afterwards I was much assisted in preaching. I know not that God ever helped me to preach in a more close manner. Through the infinite goodness of God, I felt what I spake: and God enabled me to speak with uncommon clearness: and yet I was deeply sensible of my defects in preaching; blessed be the Lord for his mercy. In the evening I longed to be entirely alone, to bless God for help in extremity; and longed for greater degrees of holiness, that I might shew my gratitude to God.
*Tuesday, October 16. I felt a spirit of solemnity and watchfulness; and was afraid I should not live to and upon God: I longed for more intenseness and spirituality. In the evening I enjoyed sweet assistance in prayer, and thirsted and pleaded to be as holy as the blessed angels.
*Friday, October 19. I had an abasing sense of my own unholiness; and felt my soul melt and mourn, that I had grieved a gracious God, who was still kind to me, notwithstanding all my unworthiness. My soul enjoyed a sweet season of sorrow, that I had wronged that blessed God, who was reconciled to me in his dear Son. My soul was now tender, devout, and solemn: and I was afraid of nothing but sin; and afraid of that in every action and thought.
Wednesday, October 24. Near noon I rode to my people; spent some time, and prayed with them: felt the frame of a pilgrim on earth; longed much to leave this gloomy mansion; but yet found patience and resignation. As I returned home from the Indians, I spent the whole time in lifting up my heart to God.
In the evening I enjoyed a blessed season in prayer; was enabled to cry to God with a child-like spirit: enjoyed a sweet freedom in supplicating for myself, and for my dear friends: and longed to be as lively in God’s service as the angels.
*Friday, October 26. In the morning my soul was melted with a sense of divine goodness to such a vile worm; I delighted to lean upon God, and place my whole trust in him: my soul was exceedingly grieved for sin, and prized and longed after holiness; it wounded my heart deeply, yet sweetly, to think how I had abused a kind God. I longed to be perfectly holy, that I might not grieve a gracious God: I longed for holiness more for this end, than for my happiness sake: and yet this was my greatest happiness, nevermore to dishonour, but always to glorify the blessed God.
Wednesday, October 31. I was sensible of my barrenness: my soul failed when I remembered the fervency I had enjoyed. Oh (I thought) if I could but be spiritual, warm, heavenly minded, and affectionately breathing after God, this would be better than life to me! My soul longed exceedingly for death, to be loosed from this dulness, and made ever active in the service of God. I seemed to live for nothing, and to do no good: and Oh, the burden of such a life! Oh, death, death, my kind friend, hasten and deliver me from dull mortality, and make me spiritual and vigorous to eternity!