Thursday, November 1. I felt life, and longings after God; I longed to be always solemn, devout, and heavenly-minded; and was afraid to leave off praying, lest I should again lose a sense of the sweet things of God.
Friday, November 2. I was exercised sorely with some things that I thought myself most of all freed from. And thus I have ever found it, when I have thought the battle was over, and the conquest was gained, and so let down my watch, the enemy has risen up and done me the greatest injury.
[The next day he set out on a journey to New-York, to meet the Presbytery there: and was gone from home more than a fortnight. He seemed to enter on this journey with great reluctance; fearing it would cool his religious affections. But, yet, in his journey he had special seasons of God’s gracious presence. He was greatly fatigued therein by cold and storms: and when he returned from New-York to New-Jersey, was very ill for some time.]
Wednesday, November 21. I rode from Newark to Rockciticus in the cold, and was almost overcome with it. But I enjoyed sweetness in conversation with Mr. Jones: my soul loves the people of God, and especially the ministers, who feel the same trials that I do.
*Thursday, November 22. I came on my way to Delaware river, tho’ much disordered with a cold and pain in my head. About six at night I lost my way in the wilderness, and wandered over rocks and mountains, down hideous steeps, through swamps, and most dreadful and dangerous places: and the night being dark, I was greatly exposed: I was much pinched with cold, and distressed with an extreme pain in my head, attended with sickness at my stomach; so that every step I took was distressing to me. I had little hope, but that I must lie in the woods all night. But about nine o’clock I found a house, and was kindly entertained. Thus I have frequently been exposed: but God has hitherto preserved me; blessed be his name. Such fatigues and hardships serve to wean me from the earth; and will make heaven the sweeter. Formerly, when I was thus exposed, I was ready to please myself with the thoughts of a comfortable house, a warm fire, and other outward comforts; but now these have less place in my heart, (through the grace of God) and my eye is more to God for comfort. In this world I expect tribulation, and it does not now appear strange to me. I do not in seasons of difficulty flatter myself that it will be better hereafter; but rather think, how much worse it might be; how much greater trials others of God’s children have endured; and how much greater may be reserved for me. Blessed be God, that he makes the thoughts of my journey’s-end a great comfort to me, under my sharpest trials: and scarce ever lets these thoughts be attended with terror; but frequently with great joy.
[Within the next twelve days he spent much time in hard labour, to make a little cottage, to live in by himself.]
Thursday, December 6. Having now a happy opportunity of being retired in a house of my own; I set apart this day for secret prayer and fasting, to implore the blessing of God on myself, on my poor people, on my friends, and on the church of God. And now God was pleased to give me a discovery of the plague of my own heart, more affecting than I have of late had. And especially I saw my sinfulness in this, that when God had withdrawn himself, instead of living and dying in pursuit of him, I have been disposed to one of these two things, either to yield an unbecoming respect to some earthly objects, as if happiness were to be derived from them: or to be secretly froward and impatiently desirous of death. That which often drove me to this impatient desire of death, was a despair of doing any good. But now God made me sensible of my sin, and enabled me to cry to him for forgiveness. Yet this was not all I wanted: for my soul appeared exceedingly polluted; and I wanted to be purified “by the blood of sprinkling that cleanseth from all sin.” And this I was enabled to pray for in faith. I enjoyed much more intenseness, fervency, and spirituality than I expected; God was better to me than my fears. I was enabled to persevere in prayer till the evening: I saw so much need of divine help, that I knew not how to leave off, and had forgot that I needed food.
Lord’s-day, December 9. I preached both parts of the day at a place called Greenwich, about ten miles from my own house. In the first discourse I had scarce any warmth. In the intermission season I got alone among the bushes, and cried to God being in anguish, that I could not address souls with more compassion and tender affection; which I saw I could not get of myself, any more than I could make a world. In the latter exercise, blessed be the Lord, I had some fervency, both in prayer and preaching; and in the application I was enabled to address precious souls with affection, tenderness, and importunity. The Spirit of God was there; the effects were apparent, tears running down many cheeks.
Monday, December 10. I rode home, blessed God for his [♦]goodness; and rejoiced, that so much of my work was done, and I so much nearer my reward.
[♦] “gooddess” replaced with “goodness” per Errata