Wednesday, December 12. I was very weak, but enabled with sweetness to cry, “Come, Lord Jesus! come quickly.” My soul “longed for God, for the living God.” O how delightful it is, to pray under such influences! How much better than one’s necessary food! I had at this time no disposition to eat, (though late in the morning) for earthly food appeared wholly tasteless.—I visited and preached to the Indians, in the afternoon; but under much dejection. I found my interpreter under some concern for his soul; which was some comfort to me. I longed greatly for his conversion, poured out my soul to God for him; and was enabled to leave all with God.
Thursday, December 13. I spent the day in fasting and prayer, to implore the divine blessing, more especially on my poor people; in particular for my interpreter, and three or four more under some concern for their souls: but in the evening it seemed as if I had need to pray for nothing so much as for the pardon of sins committed in the day past. The sins I had most sense of, were pride, and wandering thoughts.
Lord’s-day, December 16. I was so overwhelmed with dejection, that I knew not how to live: I longed for death exceedingly: my soul was sunk into deep waters, and the floods were ready to drown me: I was so much oppressed, that my soul was in a kind of horror: I had no distressing doubt about my own state; but would have chearfully ventured into eternity. While I was going to preach to the Indians, my soul was in anguish; I despaired of doing any good. But at last I insisted on the evidence of Christianity from the miracles of Christ: and God helped me to make a close application to those that refused to believe. I was encouraged to find, that God enabled me to be faithful once more. Then I went and preached to another company of them; but was very weary and faint. In the evening I was something refreshed, and enabled to pray and praise God with composure and affection: I was now willing to live, and longed to do more for God than my weak state of body would admit of. “I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me;” and I am willing to spend and be spent in his service.
Tuesday, December 18. I went to the Indians, and discoursed to them near an hour, and at last God helped me to speak with warmth. My interpreter also was amazingly assisted; and I doubt not but “the Spirit of God was upon him.” And presently most of the grown persons were much affected, and the tears ran down their cheeks: and one old man (I suppose an hundred years old) was so affected, that he wept, and seemed convinced of the importance of what I taught them. I staid with them a considerable time, exhorting them; and came away, lifting up my heart to God, and encouraged my interpreter to “strive to enter in at the strait gate.”
Thursday, January 5, 1744–5. Being sensible of the great want of the out-pouring of God’s Spirit, I spent this day in fasting and prayer, to seek so great a mercy for myself, and my poor people in particular, and for the church of God in general.
Saturday, January 5. I was much disordered in my head. I was distressed with a sense of my spiritual pollution, and ten thousand youthful, yea, and childish follies: all which appeared now fresh, and in a lively view, as if committed yesterday.
Wednesday, January 9. In the morning, God was pleased to remove that gloom which has of late oppressed my mind, and gave me freedom and sweetness in prayer. I was encouraged to plead for grace for myself, and mercy for my poor Indians: and was sweetly assisted in my intercessions with God for others. Those things that of late have appeared almost impossible, were now not only possible, but easy. My soul so much delighted to continue instant in prayer, that I had no desire for my necessary food: yea, I dreaded leaving off praying, lest I should lose this spirituality, and this blessed thankfulness. I felt now quite willing to live, and undergo all trials that might remain for me in a world of sorrow; but still longed for heaven, that I might glorify God in a perfect manner.
Monday, January 14. I spent this day under a great degree of bodily disorder. It pains me, that I live so much of my time for nothing. I long to do much in a little time, and if it might be the Lord’s will, to finish my work speedily in this tiresome world. I am sure, I do not desire to live for any thing in this world; and through grace I am not afraid to look the king of terrors in the face: I know, I shall be afraid, if God leaves me; and therefore I think it is always my duty to lay in for that solemn hour. *But for a considerable time, my soul has rejoiced to think of death in its nearest approaches; and even when I have been very weak, and seemed nearest eternity. “Not unto me, not unto me, but to God be the glory.” I feel that which convinces me, that if God do not enable me to maintain a holy dependence upon him, death will be a terror, but at present, I must say, “I long to depart, and to be with Christ.” When I am in a sweet resigned frame of soul, I am willing to tarry in a world of sorrow, I am willing to be from home as long as God sees fit; but when I want the influence of this temper, I am then apt to be impatient to be gone.—Oh when will the day appear, that I shall be perfect in holiness.
Wednesday and Thursday, January 16, 17. I spent most of the time in writing on a divine subject, and enjoyed freedom and assistance. O what reason have I to be thankful, that God ever helps me to labour and study for him! He does but receive his own, when I am enabled in any measure to praise him, labour for him, and live to him.
Lord’s day, January 27. I had the greatest degree of inward anguish, that ever I endured: I was perfectly overwhelmed, and so confused, that after I began to discourse to the Indians, before I could finish a sentence, sometimes I forgot entirely what I was aiming at. This distressing gloom never went off the whole day: but was so far removed, that I was enabled to speak with some freedom to the Indians, at two of their settlements; and there was some appearance, of the presence of God with us. In the evening the gloom continued still, till at family-prayer,[¹] when I was praying for the conversion of my poor people, the cloud was scattered, so that I enjoyed sweetness and freedom, and conceived hopes that God designed mercy for them.