[¹] Though Mr. Brainerd now dwelt by himself in the little cottage, which he had built for his own use; yet that was near a family of white people with whom he had lived before, and with whom he still attended family-prayer.
Lord’s-day, February 3. In the morning, I was somewhat relieved of that gloom, that my mind has of late been exercised with; and was enabled to pray with composure and comfort. But, however, I went to my Indians trembling; for my soul “remembered the wormwood and the gall” of Friday last; and I was greatly afraid I should be obliged again to drink of that cup of trembling, which was inconceivably more bitter than death. But God was pleased to hear my cries, and to afford me great assistance; so that I felt peace in my soul; and was satisfied, that if not one of the Indians should be profited yet I should be accepted and rewarded as faithful.
*Monday, February 11. In the evening I was in a most solemn frame: I know not that ever death appeared more real to me, or that ever I saw myself in the condition of a dead corpse, laid out, and dressed for a lodging in the silent grave, so evidently. And yet I felt exceedingly comfortable; my mind was composed and calm, and death appeared without a sting. I never felt such an universal mortification to all created objects. Oh, how great and solemn a thing it appeared to die! How it lays the greatest honour in the dust! And how vain and trifling did the riches, honours, and pleasures of the world appear! I could not so much as think of any of them; for death, death, solemn (though not frightful) death appeared at the door. I could see myself laid out, and inclosed in my coffin, and put down into the cold grave, without terror! I spent the evening in conversing with a Christian friend; and it was a comfortable evening to us both.—What are friends? What are comforts? What are sorrows? What are distresses?——“The time is short: it remains, that they that weep, be as though they wept not; and they which rejoice, as though they rejoiced not: for the fashion of this world passeth away. O come, Lord Jesus, come quickly.”
Friday, February 15. I had a sweet sense of the free grace of the gospel: my soul was encouraged, warmed, and quickened, and my desires drawn out after God in prayer: being afraid of losing so sweet a guest as I then entertained. I longed to proclaim the grace I then meditated upon, to the world of sinners.—O how quick and powerful is the word of the blessed God!
Lord’s day, February 17. I preached to the white people in the wilderness, upon the sunny side of a hill: I had a considerable assembly, consisting of people that lived (many of them) thirty miles asunder. I discoursed to them, from John vii. 37. “Jesus stood and cried, saying, If any man thirst,” &c. In the afternoon it pleased God to grant me great fervency; I was enabled to imitate the example of Christ, who stood and cried.—I was scarce ever enabled to offer the free grace of God to perishing sinners with more freedom and plainness. O that I could for ever bless God for the mercy of this day, who, “answered me in the joy of my heart.”
Lord’s-day, February 24. My interpreter being absent, I knew not how to perform my work among the Indians. However, I rode to the Indians, and got a Dutchman to interpret, though he was but poorly qualified. Afterwards I preached to a few white people from John vi. 67. O the free grace of Christ, that he seasonably minds his people of their danger of backsliding, and invites them to persevere in their adherence to himself! I saw that backsliding souls might return, and welcome, to him immediately; without any thing to recommend them; notwithstanding all their former backslidings. And I felt solemn, devout, and sweet, resting on him for assistance, acceptance, and peace of conscience.
*Wednesday, March 6. I spent most of the day in preparing for a journey to New-England, and in prayer, with a reference to my journey. I was afraid I should forsake the fountain of living waters, and attempt to derive satisfaction from broken cisterns, my dear friends and acquaintance. I looked to God to keep me from this vanity in special, as well as others. Towards night, I was visited by some friends, who discovered an affectionate regard to me, and seemed grieved that I was about to leave them; especially seeing I did not expect to make any considerable stay among them, if I should live to return from New-England.[¹] O how kind has God been to me! How has he raised up friends in every place, where his providence has called me!
[¹] It seems, he had a design to remove and live among the Indians at Susquahannah river.
[The next day, he set out on his journey; and it was above five weeks before he returned.—The special design of this journey was “To raise some money among Christian friends, in order to support a [♦]colleague with me in the wilderness, (I having now spent two years in a very solitary manner) that we might be together; as Christ sent out his disciples two and two.” He first went into various parts of New-Jersey, then to New-York; and from thence into New-England. He then returned into New-Jersey. He seems, for the most part, to have been free from melancholy in this journey; and many times to have had extraordinary assistance in public ministrations.]
[♦] “collegue” replaced with “colleague”