And armed with jealous fear,
For ever standing on its guard,
And watching unto prayer.”
Monday 4. I was overcome in some measure by levity, but the gracious God gave me to feel much remorse for it, and also encouraged me to trust that he who had shewed me the evils of this, and all other sins, would pardon them.
Saturday 9. My soul was not so lively to-day, as it was some days ago. When I retired to prayer, I felt a great backwardness to it, which was heightened by a consideration of my own unfaithfulness to God. But the thought was immediately checked by this, if I am unfaithful, will my keeping from him make me more faithful? No surely: it is the Lord alone that can impart the blessing of a faithful heart; then I will wait upon him for it, and he has promised, Those that ask shall receive.
Monday 18. I was in a serious praying frame. In the evening Mr. M—— preached on John ix. 25. My soul was exceedingly blest, and I seemed just ready to lay hold on the blessing. How I lost it, I am not sensible.
Sunday 24. Mr. M——e preached in the morning on, Do all to the glory of God. When I came home and retired, I found some liberty in prayer. O how good is God to me, and how undeserving, how unfaithful a creature am I? Lord pardon the past, and give me strength for the time to come.
Tuesday, December 3, and Wednesday 4. I was rather in a cold frame. O that the Lord would deliver me from a lukewarm spirit! For I find that an inlet to all wrong tempers, and therefore it must be hurtful to me, and displeasing to God.
Saturday 7. I was much cast down on account of having yielded to many wrong tempers the day before. In the evening, I went to preaching without the least expectation of a blessing; however as I was under the word, bemoaning my helpless condition, the Lord in a measure comforted and encouraged me to trust in him. Indeed I am often pained that my pain is over so soon, and grieved that I can grieve no more!
Sunday 8. In the morning Mr. M—— preached on Romans i. 17. For the just shall live by faith. My thoughts were wandering under the word, and when I came home and retired, I found no life nor liberty in prayer. O when shall I be enabled to come with boldness to the throne of grace through Jesus the Mediator of the new covenant, and to call him, my Lord and my God.