Tuesday 26. My soul was very cold and dead all day, but at the class meeting, I found my desires greatly quickened; especially during the last prayer. This lasted all the evening; O may it still continue. Lord, let not my foolish heart rob me of the blessing.
Sunday, June 7. I went to the sacrament this morning at the Cathedral, but found no particular blessing, tho’ my heart was afterwards refreshed, while waiting upon God in private duties.
Sunday 14. My soul was much blest in private prayer this morning, but the rest of the day I was so weighed down with drowsiness that I could scarce read or pray with any satisfaction: however, my mind was in a serious frame most of the day.
Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament at Werburgh’s church, and found my heart affected with a lively sense of God’s love to my soul in sending his Son to die for me. O that this his love might stir me up to love him again, for altho’ he is in himself altogether lovely, yet nothing but a deep heart-felt conviction that Jesus loved me, and gave himself for me, can induce us to love him again. But ah! I cannot, cannot love.
“This is my shame, my grief, my hell,
I do not love the bleeding Lamb;
The Lamb that loved my soul so well,
This is my grief, my hell, my shame.”
Sunday 28. In private prayer this morning my soul was greatly blest, and I found sweet enlargement in praying for the blessing, both for myself, and for my dearest parents; likewise I found liberty to pray for all my relations and friends, for the church, and for all the world. Blessed be the Lord for this undeserved mercy. In the evening I was stirred up by Mr. G——s discourse from Hebrews ii. 3. How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation? Lord, how shall I escape? Only by flying to the wounds of Jesus; that is the only city of refuge. O may I escape thither, as Lot did to Zoar, e’er the storm of divine vengeance be poured on this guilty head.
*Monday, July 6. My mind was much distressed this day by that fear which love alone casts out, (the fear of death.) What particularly brought me to reflect upon it at this time, was a dream which Mrs. L——r had had concerning me; at first I prayed earnestly that the Lord would spare my life, being excessively frightened at the thought of dying: but afterwards I began to consider, what if my request should be granted in wrath, [♦]as when the Israelites prayed for meat? What would become of me then? Perhaps the Lord sees, if I live I shall dishonour him; be a scandal to my profession; a reproach to the people among whom I am; and a grief to my parents. Now if the Lord should take me from the evil to come, should prevent me from doing, as well as suffering evil, by taking me to himself, what cause of complaint should I have? Surely none, nay it would be matter of rejoicing to all eternity: besides should none of these things happen, but were I sure of gliding thro’ this world easily and pleasantly; would it not [♠]be better to reach the destined haven, without putting to sea at all; or at least with a very short, and as yet a pleasant passage! Did any ever think it was too soon to go to heaven? Surely no. No such complaints were ever made by one soul that got thither at all. But alas! I am unwilling to part with life, because I know not where I shall go. O!