5. Upon my telling her, “I can’t chuse life or death for you,” she said, “I asked the Lord, that if it was his will, I might die first; and he told me, you should survive me, and that you should close my eyes.” When we perceived it was the small-pox, I said to her, “My dear, you won’t be frighted, if we tell you what is your distemper.” She said, “I can’t be frighted at his will.”
6. The distemper soon was very heavy upon her: but so much the more was her faith strengthened. Tuesday, November 16. She said to me, “I have been worshipping with you before the throne in a glorious manner, my soul was so let into God.” I said, “Did the Lord give you any particular promise?” “No, replied she; it was all
That sacred awe that dares not move,
And all the silent heaven of love.”
7. Wednesday 17. Mrs. C. said to her, “Is there any thing you think me particularly deficient in?” She answered, “No, love. He will guide you by his eye, and be your only counsellor. All around you is God and heaven. You little know how dearly Jesus loves you.” To Mr. M. she said, “I thank God for your preaching. You must still preach simple faith. Man will despise you, but God will love you; and yourself must believe.” On Thursday, upon my asking, “What have you to say to me?” She said, “Nay, nothing but what you know already; God is love.” I asked, “Have you any particular promise?” She replied, “I don’t seem to want any. I can live without. I shall die a lump of deformity, but shall meet you all glorious; and mean time, I shall still have fellowship with your spirit.”
8. When Mr. M—— came again, he asked, “What she thought the most excellent way to walk in, and what were its chief hindrances?” She answered, “The greatest hindrance is generally from the natural constitution. It was mine, to be reserved, to be very quiet, to suffer much, and to say little. Some may think one way more excellent, and some another. But the thing is, to live in the will of God. For some months past, when I have been peculiarly devoted to this, I have felt such a guidance of his Spirit, and the unction which I have received from the Holy One, has so taught me of all things, that I needed not any man should teach me, save as this anointing teacheth.”
“When you speak upon acquaintance with Jesus, it is food to the soul. And when you preach of devotedness to God, and living to him, it is the joy of one’s heart.” He asked, “Have you any conviction you shall die?” She answered, “No: only from the disorder. But I feel his will so precious to me, that it is impossible for me to chuse.” He said, “We leave you in our Lord’s hands.” She said, “We shall meet above. I have no doubt of it.”
9. On Friday morning, she said, “I believe I shall die.” She then sat up in her bed, and said, “Lord, I bless thee, that thou art ever with me, and all thou hast is mine. Thy love is greater than my weakness, greater than my helplessness, greater than my unworthiness. Lord, thou sayest to corruption, thou art my sister! And glory be to thee, O Jesus, thou art my brother! Let me comprehend with all saints, the length, and breadth, and depth, and heighth of thy love! Bless these: (some that were present) Let them be every moment exercised in all things, as thou wouldst have them to be.”
10. Some hours after, it seemed as if the agonies of death were just coming upon her. But her face was full of smiles of triumph, and she clapped her hands for joy. Mrs. C. said, “My dear, you are more than conqueror, through the ‘blood of the lamb’.” She answered, “Yes, O yes, sweet Jesus. O death, where is thy sting?” She then lay as in a doze for some time. Afterwards she strove to speak, but could not. However she testified her love, by shaking hands with all in the room. Then she took Miss M——’s hand, with Mrs. C. and Mrs. D——’s, and put them to her heart.
11. The apothecary soon came in. She strove to speak to him, but had not utterance. One asked of the Lord, to give her power to speak; and in a few moments she spoke distinctly. Immediately she exhorted him to believe. He said, “I hope I do.” “Do you then, replied she earnestly, find in Christ all you want? You may. And I want you to be happy now. Why won’t you believe, when Christ has given all his divinity to save you?” He started, and said, “I hope I shall.” “Hope! said she, that is not the thing. The hope of the hypocrite shall perish. Indeed you are not an hypocrite. Yet unless you are on the rock, when the winds and floods come, your building will not stand.”