Q.–Define honesty?
A.–The wag ov a dogs tail.
The only kind ov konsolashun
This man got, aint worth a kuss,
For 'twas PITTY,–and we all kno
PITTY iz but mild disguss.
LUKE BILLINGS.
HIZ MEMORANDUM.
Luke Billings waz a skool-master ov the Nu England type and shaddo. He waz an uprite and an austere man, az uprite az a sperm kandle, and az austere az hoss-radish. I look bak onto Luke's memoirs and pitty him, for i pitty awl distrikt-skool masters, all mothers-in-law, and all grass widders. Luke Billings spent hiz whole life in the distrik-skool spekulashun, and died az poor az a salt kodfish. Hiz assetts konsisted ov a pocket-komb and a nu testament. He used tew board round the naborhood, and waz alwuss az hungry az a pikrel. He never had enny friends, nor enny enemys; he waz like a gide-board in this respek. Luke Billings never got marrid, he hadn't the time tew spare. He waz severely engaged, for 26 years, tew Nancy Burbanks, but they both died intestate. They sleep cluss together, in the old grave-yard, at lower Pordunk. Sleep on! sleep on! dear old virgin couple, and pay no attenshun tew noboddy. Lukey wore hiz hare long behind, and kept a distrik skool 34 years 6 months and 17 daze. Oh, dear! oh, dear! Luke i pitty yu. Luke Billings iz an ansesstor that i look bak upon every now and then with my memory, and want tew fite sumboddy on hiz ackount. Fairwell, luvely Luke. Fairwell Lukey. Fairwell. Enuff sed.
MORAL.
From keeping skool, and the pay,
Two things pestiverous,
I feel az tho' I'd like to say,
Good Lord! deliver us.