HOROSKOPE FOR SEPTEMBER.
The man born this month will be what iz called a wit. He will be az phull ov wit az a bottle ov ginger-pop. He kant hardly wait to hav the cork pulled out, and when the cork iz pulled out it will take a 2 quart bowl to hold a haff pint ov the phizz. He will make jokes which will be az natral az blunders, and will keep hiz whole family (inkluding the hired girl) betwixt a suprise and a guess. He will hav a house phull of children, who will be the best jokes he perpetrates.
The lady born this month will be mistress ov the situashun. She will hav menny admirers, but will lead them a dusty chase. After a while she will marry, and bekum az serious az a white mice in a wire trap. Her husband will be az proud of her az a third lutenant ov hiz fust epaulettes. Her children will be brought up to toe the mark, and, tho different from all the other wimmin in the naborhood, she will be admired more than reproved.
ADVISE TEW HOSS JOCKEYS.
Never swop hosses with a deakon—not if yu belong tew the same church he duz.
If yu hav got a hoss that you ask 200 dollars for, and are offered 75 dollars for him, alwus sell him; dont spile a good hoss trade for 125 dollars.
If you should, bi acksident, git hold ov a sound hoss, git shut of him az soon az yu kan, for yu wont be happy with him.
If, in swopping hosses, yu git kornered, and kant lie, postpone the trade untill next day.
Noboddy ever expekts tew buy a hoss without gitting cheated; tharefore, if a hoss jockey dont lie, he loses one ov his blessed privileges.