This iz billyards.
XVI.
JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES."
Gentlemen and Mister Chairman:—
I rise with grate diffidence fur the fust time in mi life, tew address an impromptew assemblage. What i can say iz instant, and i kant alter it; i kant sit doun, or stand up, and studdy a thing out, enny more than i kan sit doun and think how tew lift a ton. We have met here just fur fun; and i beleaf that aul things, including truth, hav a fun redikilous side tew them, and i fully beleaf, that while Satan, with consumate skill, fills hiz ranks bi the arts ov seduction, virtue should resort tew the same means. I beleaf in sugar-coated pills, and i beleaf that virtue and wisdom kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than to be morticed into it with a wormwood mallet and chisel. We hav met tew celebrate the birth-day ov a Sunday newspaper; the child iz a year old and iz growing nicely. Sum people doubt the propriety ov Sunday newspapers; they seem tew think that the Sabbath waz made only fur the acts ov sectarian worship, but i beleaf that religion was never designed az a bizness, but only tew regulate and correct bizzness with,—I should az soon think ov tunelling Hoosick Mounting bi prayer,—when a people devote aul their time tew religion, superstition and bigotry are sure tew prevale.
Josh Billings makes a few miscellaneous remarks about "virtew and wisdom," before a literary association of the citizens of a neighboring town.—See page 60.
Man iz the only thing created with power tew laff; birds and flowers can almost dew it, and dogs would like tew. Mules smile with their heels.
Fun waz made fur the million, ethicks fur the few, and the man who kan invent a generous and healthy sauce tew enliven a dish ov biled greens with, iz a Christian. Fun may never have furnished a splendid dinner, but it has helped swaller menny a poor one.