Don’t never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it.
Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable.
Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different.
Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they bust.
It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it.
Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant laff and devils won’t.
Don’t never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu.
I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own.
He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it.
When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale—run before the wind.