Another misapprehension prevails among European writers who praise Japanese hospitality, but complain that a Japanese, while he receives a foreigner at his house, maintains at the same time strict reserve on the subject of his family. Some have attributed it to an anti-foreign feeling; but whatever other indications of a bias against foreigners these writers may have detected in individual cases, the fact which they adduce cannot in itself be regarded in that light, for a Japanese guest is placed in much the same position. The host, in his desire to show an interest in his guest, often asks him minutely about his people at home, which some Englishmen have resented as impertinence; but touching his own family affairs he is usually very reticent. He is anxious to keep his private concerns in the background and will assume a cheerful countenance even in the midst of the most pressing difficulties. His idea of hospitality is that nothing should be allowed to interfere with his guest’s enjoyment. Even personal grief is concealed under a smile, and a member of the family may be seriously ill without the guest getting an inkling of the fact. A visitor to any member of the household is considered to have a claim upon the hospitality of the whole family; and he is royally entertained though the rest may suffer inconvenience, as when the parlour in which the guest squats is the family bed-room and they have all to sit up till he leaves.
Our hospitality is admitted; but what a European visitor misses is the appearance of the wife and other members of the family at the dinner or supper to which he is invited. The husband, as the head of the family, is its sole representative, and his presence is sufficient for doing the honours. The wife seldom appears unless the visitor is a family friend or she is acquainted with his wife. Such an invitation as taking pot-luck is seldom given; politeness requires us to depreciate our offering, but we treat to our best. We therefore entertain and are entertained without our wives’ participation. It is nothing extraordinary to have friends of many years’ standing, whose wives we have never seen. It is then absurd to attribute this reticence respecting our family affairs to any sentiment hostile to our foreign visitors. Our social point of view is indeed so different to the occidental that a European generally falls into an error when he tries to judge our customs from his own standpoint.
CHAPTER XIV.
MARRIAGE.
Girls and marriage—Young men—The marriage ceremony—Match-making—Betrothal—The bride’s property—Wedding decorations—The nuptials—Wedding supper—Congratulations—Post-nuptial parties—Japanese style of engagement—The advantages of the go-between system—The go-between as the woman’s deputy—The go-between as mediator—Marriage a civil contract in Japan—No honeymoon—The Japanese attitude towards marriage.
MARRIAGE is the turning-point of a woman’s life in Japan in a far greater degree than it is in western countries, for the simple reason that she has as yet few openings for earning an independence. Girls are brought up with a view to marriage and are early taught the duties of wife and mother. They look upon the wedded state as their lot in life and are prepared to enter sooner or later into matrimony. There are not many women who remain single all their lives. Girls of the poorer classes find employment at factories, if they are strong enough; others become waitresses at inns, restaurants, tea-houses, and other places of entertainment, or enter domestic service; but even these find mates in time. Of women in other callings, such as hair-dressers, midwives, and seamstresses, the majority are married or widowed. For girls of the better classes the scope outside of matrimony is narrow indeed. They may teach in elementary schools, or take private pupils, if they have the requisite knowledge, for instruction in needlework, etiquette, flower arrangement, tea-ceremony, or music, or else they can only be dependent on parents or relatives. But as the latter alternative which would be the fate of most girls is irksome, they naturally choose wedlock as the best means of escape from dependency or precarious livelihood. And that they, however homely they may be, succeed in finding husbands is due to the go-between system.
But it is not the girls alone who feel the inevitableness of marriage. Men are also in a like predicament. Bachelorhood has none of the ease and comfort which often attach to it in the West. Life in hotels and lodging-houses is both uncomfortable and insecure; for the doors, being all sliding-doors, cannot be locked, and consequently one is always liable to intrusion at any hour of day or night by other inmates of the house. Flats are, from the very structure of Japanese houses, impracticable. In some houses there are rooms to let; but meals are seldom provided. The only way is to rent a house, but then housekeepers as such are unknown. To leave the house in the care of ordinary servants is both uneconomical and inconvenient, for they are not likely to stint themselves or be thrifty; they would, on the contrary, rather be wasteful so as to be popular with the tradesmen; and far from keeping the house tidy as all Japanese houses need to be, they would not sweep or clean more than they could help. Indeed, from the appearance of the house one can always tell if it has a mistress or other responsible overseer. A bachelor can have a comfortable establishment, it is true, by placing it under the management of a near relative; but a sister would herself wish to marry and would not therefore be its permanent head, while a mother or aunt would prefer to put it under a wife and lead a life of greater ease and leisure. A mother, moreover, would naturally wish to see her grandchildren. Besides, a bachelor in fair circumstances is as a rule so pestered by go-betweens that unless he is resolutely set against marriage, he is often mated before he knows his own mind.
Thus, marriage is looked upon as an inevitable fate by both sexes.
In a country like Japan where ceremony envelops every phase of life, such an important event as a wedding is, as may be expected, governed at every step by strict etiquette, and to celebrate it in proper style one needs to call in a regular professor of etiquette. But though weddings in high society are still perplexing tangles of formalities, the tendency to-day among the middle classes is to strip them as much as possible of unnecessary ceremony. It is, in fact, difficult at the present moment to give the exact procedure which is followed in an ordinary wedding as it is frequently modified by mutual agreement between the parties concerned; but the following may be taken as a fairly accurate description of the usual procedure in these days.