Occasional Thoughts in Reference to a Vertuous or Christian life

by Lady Damaris Masham

The necessities of a Family very often, and the injustice of Parents sometimes, causes People to sacrifice their Inclinations, in this matter, to interest; which must needs make this State uneasy in the beginning to those who are otherways ever so much fitted to live well in such a Relation; yet scarce any vertuous and reasonable Man and Woman who are Husband and Wife, can know that it is both their Duty and Interest (as it is) reciprocally to make each other Happy without effectually doing so in a little time. But if no contrary Inclination obstruct this Felicity, a greater cannot certainly be propos'd, since Friendship has been allow'd by the wisest, most vertuous, and most generous Men of all Ages to be the solidest and sweetest pleasure in this World: And where can Friendship have so much advantage to arrive to, and be maintain'd in its Perfection, as where two Persons have inseparably one and the same Interest; and see themselves united, as it were, in their common Off-spring? All People, it is certain, have not a like fitness for, or relish of this pleasure of Friendship, which therefore, however preferable to others in the real advantages of it, cannot be equally valuable to all. But where there is mutually that predominant Disposition to vertuous Love, which is the Characteristick of the most excellent Minds, I think we cannot frame an Idea of so great Happiness to be found in any thing in this Life, as in a Marry'd State.

It seems therefore one of the worst Marks that can be of the Vice and Folly of any Age when Mariage is commonly contemn'd therein; since nothing can make it to be so but Mens Averseness to, or incapacity for those things which most distinguish them from Brutes, Vertue and Friendship.

But it were well if Mariage was not become a State almost as much fear'd by the Wise, as despis'd by Fools. Custom and silly Opinion, whose consequences yet are (for the most part) not imaginary, but real Evils, do usually make it by their best Friends thought adviseable for those of the Female Sex once to Marry; altho' the Risque which they therein run of being wretched, is yet much greater than that of Men; who (not having the same inducements from the hazard of their Reputation, or any uneasie dependance) are, from the examples of others Misfortunes, often deter'd from seeking Felicity in a condition wherein they so rarely see, or hear of any who find it; it being too true that one can frequent but little Company, or know the Story of but few Families, without hearing of the publick Divisions, and Discords of Marry'd People, or learning their private Discontents from their being in that state. But since the cause of such unhappiness lies only in the corruption of Manners, were that redress'd, there would need nothing more to bring Mariage into credit.

Vice and Ignorance, thus, we see, are the great Sources of those Miseries which Men suffer in every state. These, oftentimes, mingle Gall even in their sweetest Pleasures; and imbitter to them the wholesomest Delights. But what remedy hereto can be hop'd for, if rational Instruction and a well order'd Education of Youth, in respect of Vertue and Religion, can only (as has been said) rectify these Evils? For vicious and ignorant Parents are neither capable of this, or generally willing that their Children should be instructed or govern'd any other ways, than as themselves have been before them.

One might hence therefore, it may be, reasonably believe, that God reserves to himself, by some extraordinary interposition of his providence, that Reformation which we are assur'd, will some time be effected. But yet if all Persons, eminent by their Quality, who merit not to be rank'd among the Vicious and Ignorant, would give the Example, much would thereby be done towards the introducing of a general amendment: Since these could make a greater care of Education in the above-mention'd Respects, become, in some degree, Fashionable: And even a reasonable thing will not want Followers, if it be once thought the Fashion. We have seen also that Mothers, in regard of their Childrens Instruction, ought to take upon themselves, as their proper Business, a very great part in that concernment; and one would think that there were no inconsiderable number of Ladies amongst us, who might, with hopes of success, be address'd to, that they would indeavour to acquit themselves herein of their Duty. I mean all such as are unhappily Marry'd; for what so good Reparation can they find for the misfortune of having foolish and vicious Husbands, who neglect or treat them ill, as the having Children honour'd for their Vertue, and who shall honour and love them, not only as their Parents, but as those to whom they owe much more than their Being?

To perswade such whose Heads are full of Pleasure, and whose Hours pass gaily, to seek their satisfaction in things of which they have never yet had any tast, could not reasonably be thought other than a vain Attempt: But they who are wretched, one would think, should be easily prevail'd with to hearken to any Proposition, which brings but the least glimpse of Happiness to them; and were that tenderness of their Children, which ingages Mothers to do them all the good they can, less natural than it is to Vertuous Women, one would imagine, that when from these alone they must expect all their Felicity in this Life, they should readily contribute what is in their Power to the securing to themselves this only Blessing which they can propose; and which they cannot miss of, without the greatest increase imaginable to their present unhappiness: Childrens Ill-doing being an Affliction equal to the Joy of their doing well. Which must be an unspeakable one to such Parents as are conscious, that this is in great measure the Fruit and Effect of their right direction. Nor is there any thing which a vertuous Man or Woman does not think they owe, or is too much for them to return to those to whom they believe themselves indebted for their being such. How great a Felicity then may a Mother, unhappy in the Relation of a Wife, (by procuring to herself such Friends as these) lay up for her declining Age, which must otherwise be more miserable than her unfortunate Youth? And how much better would she employ her time in this care, than in the indulging to a weakness, very incident to tender Minds, which is to bemoan themselves, instead of casting about for Relief against their Afflictions, whereby they become but yet more soften'd to the Impressions of their Sorrow, and every day less able to support them?

They are usually (it is true) the most Vertuous Women who are the aptest to bear with immoderate Grief, the ill Humour, or unkindness of their Husbands: But it is pitty that such, who (in an Age wherein the contrary is too often practis'd) have more Vertue than to think of returning the Injuries they receive, should want so much Wit as not to repay unkindness, with a just contempt of it: But instead thereof, foolishly sacrifice their Lives, or the Comforts of them (which is our All in this World) to those who will not sacrifice the least inclination to their reasonable Satisfaction: And how much wiser and more becoming Christians would it be for such Ladies to reflect less upon what others owe to them, and more upon what they owe to themselves and their Children, than to abandon themselves, as too many do, to a fruitless Grief; which serves for nothing else, but to render them yet less agreeable to those whom they desire to please; and useless in the World: Diseases, and, in time, constant ill Health being the almost never failing Effects of a lasting Discontent upon such feeble Constitutions. But I take leave to say, that the fault of those who make others thus miserable, and the weakness of such who thus suffer their Minds to think under Adversity, are in a great measure both owing to one and the same Cause, viz. Ignorance of the true Rules and Measures of their Duty; whereby they would be taught to correct every excess; together with the want of such other Knowledge (suitable to the Capacity and Condition of the Person) as would both usefully and agreably employ their Time: This Knowledge, tho' not perhaps of a Nature immediately conducing to form, or rectify the Manners, yet doing so, in a great measure, by restraining or preventing the irregularities of them. For as ill natur'd and vicious Men, if they know but how pleasantly and profitably to employ those tedious hours which lye upon their Hands, would be generally less Vicious, and less ill Humour'd than they are; so Women of the most sensible Dispositions would not give up themselves to sorrow that is always hurtful, and sometimes dangerous both in their Honour and Salvation (excess of Tenderness, when abus'd, too often producing Hatred, and that Revenge) if they were not only very little inform'd as to what God requires of them; but also very Ignorant in regard of any kind of Ingenious Knowledge, whereby they might delightfully employ themselves, and divert those displeasing Thoughts which (otherwise) will incessantly Torment, and Prey upon their Minds. She who has no Inclinations unbecoming a Vertuous Woman, who prefers her Husbands Affection to all things in the World; and who can no longer find that pleasure in the ordinary Circle of Ladies Diversions, which perhaps, they gave her in her first Youth, is but very ill provided to bear Discontent where she proposes her greatest satisfaction, if she has nothing within her self which can afford her pleasure, independently upon others: Which is what none can lastingly have, without some improvement of their rational Faculties; since as Childhood, and Youth, wear off, the relish of those pleasures that are suited to them, do so too; on which account the most happy would not ill consult their advantage, if by contracting betimes a Love of Knowledge (which is ever fruitful in delight to those who have once a true taste of it) they provide in their Youth such a Source of Pleasure for their Old Age as Time will not dissipate, but improve; by rendring their Minds no less vigorous, and its Beauties yet more attracting, when the short Liv'd ones of their Faces are impair'd, and gone. Whilst those whose Youthful Time has been devoted to Vanities, or Trifles, Age does inevitably deliver over either to melancholy Repentance, or (at best) to the wearisome Languishings which attend a Life deprived of Desire and Enjoyment.

Now in the pursuit of that Pleasure which the exercise and improvement of the understanding gives, I see no Reason why it should not be thought that all Science lyes as open to a Lady as to a Man: And that there is none which she may not properly make her Study, according as she shall find her self best fited to succeed therein; or as is most agreeable to her Inclination: provided ever, that all such Knowledge as relates to her Duty, or is, any way, peculiarly proper to her Sex, and Condition, be principally, and in the first place her Care: For it is indeed very preposterous for a Woman to employ her Time in enquiries, or speculations not necessary for her, to the neglect of that for Ignorance whereof she will be guilty before God, or blameable in the Opinion of all Wise Men; And to do this, is plainly no less irrational and absurd, than for one destitute of necessary Cloathing, to lay out what should supply that want upon things meerly of Ornament. There is yet, methinks, no difference betwixt the Folly of such Learned Women, and that of Learned Men, who do the same thing, except that the one is the greater Rarity.

But it is not perhaps very seasonable to propose that Ladies should have any greater Accomplishments or Improvements of their Understandings than the well discharging of their Duty requires, till it is thought fit for them to have that: The advantages of which to Men themselves, and the necessity thereof to a right Education of their Children of both Sexes are too evident, when reflected upon, not to obtain Encouragement of so much Knowledge in Women from all who are Lovers of Vertue, were it not true that Conviction does not always operate. The Law of Fashion or Custom, is still to be obey'd, let Reason contradict it ever so much: And those bold Adventurers are look'd upon but as a sort of Don Quixots; whose Zeal for any Reformation puts them upon Combating generally receiv'd Opinions, or Practices; even tho' the Honour of their Maker be concern'd therein: Or (what is nearer to most) their own Private and Temporal Interests. I am sure that a just consideration of both these furnishes every one with very cogent inducements to make what opposition they can to Immorality, both by amending their own faults, and by indeavouring to prevail upon others to correct whatever has contributed to the making us a vicious People. For, not to say that it is a rational as well as Pious Fear that God by some signal Judgment upon such as have abus'd many Mercies, should make an example of them for the deterring of others, it is more certain (tho' usually less reflected upon) that it is no way necessary to the punishment of any Wicked Ungrateful Nation, that God should interpose, by some extraordinary act of his Providence, to inflict upon them the due Reward of their Disobedience, and Ingratitude: Since so fitly are all things dispos'd in their Original Constitution, and the order of Nature to the All-wise ends of their Maker, that (without his especial Interposition in the case) the establish'd course of things does bring to pass the effects that he sees fit in respect of the Moral, as well as of the Natural World; nor scarcely can any People from the avenging Hand of the Almighty, in the most astonishing Judgments which can render them an eminent example of his Displeasure, receive any severer Chastisement, than what they will find in the Natural result and consequences of their Moral Corruption when grown to an Extremity.

It would be to enter into a large Field of Discourse to shew how experience has always attested this. And we perceive, but too sensibly, that Vice proportionably to its measure, carries along with it, its own Punishment, to need that we should search for Foreign, or Remote examples in proof hereof.