We still are not allowed to go to church. A. V.’s mother (one of the Empress’s wounded) is very sorry that you have not been to see her. She is living with some relatives of your mother’s. Their estate has been taken away from them. The son has returned, he now looks, as they all do, pale and miserable.
They, poor things, can no longer keep M. S., and will probably be obliged soon to leave the house. She hardly ever gets a letter from her son; he too is complaining, so I copy what they write to me and send it on to them.
He is very upset not to hear from you, though he himself has written to you. He is going to Japan to learn English, he learnt more than 900 words in ten days and of course overtired himself and has been feeling ill. He was operated upon in December, in Vladivostok. Rita writes that Nicholas Jakovlevitch (one of the wounded) is at Simferopol with his friend, the brother of little M. Their splendid (good) friend (Alexandre Dumbadze) has been killed there, we loved him very much, he was one of our wounded.
I only write what I dare, for in the present days one never knows in whose hands the letter might fall. We hope to do our devotions next week if we are allowed to do so. I am already looking forward to those beautiful services—such a longing to pray in church. I dream of our church (at Tsarkoe Selo) and of my little cell-like corner near the altar. Nature is beautiful, everything is shining and brilliantly lighted up. The children are singing next door. There are no lessons to-day as it is Friday of Carnival week.
I relive in mind, day by day, through the year that has passed and think of those I saw for the last time. Have been well all along, but for the past week my heart has been bad and I do not feel well, but this is nothing. We cannot complain, we have got everything, we live well, thanks to the touching kindness of the people, who in secret send us bread, fish, pies, etc.
Do not worry about us, darling, dearly beloved one. For you all it is hard and especially for our Country!!! This hurts more than anything else—and the heart is racked with pain—what has been done in one year! God has allowed it to happen—therefore it must be necessary so that they might understand, that eyes might be opened to lies and deceits.
I cannot read the newspapers quietly, those senseless telegrams—and with the German at the door!!!
K. and everyone else looks at “brother” as a saviour—Great God, to what have they come to, to wait for the enemy to come and rid them from the infernal foe. And who is sent as the leader? Aunt Baby’s brother (meaning herself). Do you understand. They wished to act nicely, probably thinking that it would be less painful and humiliating to her—but for her (meaning herself) it is far worse—such an unbearable pain—but everything generally hurts now—all one’s feelings have been trampled underfoot—but so it has to be, the soul must grow and rise above all else; that which is most dear and tender in us has been wounded—is it not true? So we too have to understand through it all that God is greater than everything and that He wants to draw us, through our sufferings, closer to Him. Love Him more and better than one and all. But my country—my God—how I love it, with all the power of my being, and her sufferings give me actual physical pain.
And who makes her (Russia) suffer, who causes blood to flow?... her own sons. My God, what a ghastly horror it all is. And who is the enemy? This cruel German, and the worst thing for Aunt Baby is that he (the enemy) is taking away everything as in the time of Tsar Alexsei Michailovich (meaning that frontiers of Russia would become again as during the reign of A. M.). But I am convinced that it will not remain so, help will come from Above, people can no longer do anything, but with God all things are possible, and He will show His strength, wisdom and all forgiveness and love—only believe, wait and pray.