(Diary, 1816.)
225. “Dissatisfied with many things, more susceptible than any other person and tormented by my deafness, I often find only suffering in the association with others.”
(In 1815, to Brauchle, tutor in the house of Countess Erdody.)
226. “I have emptied a cup of bitter suffering and already won martyrdom in art through the kindness of art’s disciples and my art associates.”
(In the summer of 1814, to Advocate Kauka. “Socrates and Jesus were my
exemplars,” he remarks in a conversation-book of 1819.)
227. “Perfect the ear trumpets as far as possible, and then travel; this you owe to yourself, to mankind and to the Almighty! Only thus can you develop all that is still locked within you;—and a little court,—a little chapel,—writing the music and having it performed to the glory of the Almighty, the Eternal, the Infinite—-”
(Diary, 1815. Beethoven was hoping to receive an appointment as
chapelmaster from his former pupil, Archduke Rudolph, Archbishop of
Olmutz.)
228. “God help me. Thou seest me deserted by all mankind. I do not want to do wrong,—hear my prayer to be with my Karl in the future for which there seems to be no possibility now. O, harsh Fate, cruel destiny. No, my unhappy condition will never end. ‘This I feel and recognize clearly: Life is not the greatest of blessings; but the greatest of evils is guilt.’ (From Schiller’s “Braut von Messina”). There is no salvation for you except to hasten away from here; only by this means can you lift yourself again to the heights of your art whereas you are here sinking to the commonplace,—and a symphony—and then away,—away,—meanwhile fund the salaries which can be done for years. Work during the summer preparatory to travel; only thus can you do the great work for your poor nephew; later travel through Italy, Sicily, with a few other artists.”
(Diary, spring of 1817. The salaries were the annuities paid him for
several years by Archduke Rudolph, Prince Rinsky and Prince Lobkowitz.
Seume’s “Spaziergang nach Syrakus” was a favorite book of Beethoven’s
and inspired him in a desire to make a similar tour, but nothing came of
it.)
229. “You must not be a man like other men: not for yourself, only for others; for you there is no more happiness except in yourself, in your art.—O God, give me strength to overcome myself, nothing must hold me to this life.”