(From the same.)
220. “How great was the humiliation when one who stood beside me heard the distant sound of a shepherd’s pipe, and I heard nothing; or heard the shepherd singing, and I heard nothing. Such experiences brought me to the verge of despair;—but little more and I should have put an end to my life. Art, art alone deterred me.”
(From the same.)
221. “I may say that I live a wretched existence. For almost two years I have avoided all social gatherings because it is impossible for me to tell the people I am deaf. If my vocation were anything else it might be more endurable, but under the circumstances the condition is terrible; besides what would my enemies say,—they are not few in number! To give you an idea of this singular deafness let me tell you that in the theatre I must lean over close to the orchestra in order to understand the actor; if I am a little remote from them I do not hear the high tones of instruments and voices; it is remarkable that there are persons who have not observed it, but because I am generally absent-minded my conduct is ascribed to that.”
(Vienna, June 29, 1800, to Wegeler. “To you only do I confide this as a
secret.” Concerning his deafness see Appendix.)
222. “My defective hearing appeared everywhere before me like a ghost; I fled from the presence of men, was obliged to appear to be a misanthrope although I am so little such.”
(November 16, 1801, or 1800, to Wegeler, in writing to him about his
happy love. “Unfortunately, she is not of my station in life.”)
223. “Truly, a hard lot has befallen me! Yet I accept the decree of Fate, and continually pray to God to grant that as long as I must endure this death in life, I may be preserved from want.”
(March 14, 1827, to Moscheles, after Beethoven had undergone the fourth
operation for dropsy and was confronting the fifth. He died on March 26,
1827.)
224. “Live alone in your art! Restricted though you be by your defective sense, this is still the only existence for you.”