Your pleas to me not to think of suicide have one result that I refrain from laying violent hands on myself; but you cannot make me cease to regret our decision and my existence. What is there for me to live for, especially if I have lost even that hope I had when I set out? I will forbear to mention all the miseries into which I have fallen through the villainous machinations not so much of my enemies, as of
quam invidorum, ne et meum maerorem exagitem et te in eundem luctum vocem; hoc adfirmo, neminem umquam tanta calamitate esse adfectum, nemini mortem magis optandam fuisse. Cuius oppetendae tempus honestissimum praetermissum est; reliqua tempora sunt non iam ad medicinam, sed ad finem doloris.
De re publica video te colligere omnia quae putes aliquam spem mihi posse adferre mutandarum rerum. Quae quamquam exigua sunt, tamen, quoniam placet, exspectemus. Tu nihilo minus, si properaris, nos consequere; nam aut accedemus in Epirum aut tarde per Candaviam ibimus. Dubitationem autem de Epiro non inconstantia nostra adferebat, sed quod de fratre, ubi eum visuri essemus, nesciebamus; quem quidem ego nec quo modo visurus nec ut dimissurus sim, scio. Id est maximum et miserrimum mearum omnium miseriarum. Ego et saepius ad te et plura scriberem, nisi mihi dolor meus cum omnes partes mentis tum maxime huius generis facultatem ademisset. Videre te cupio. Cura ut valeas.
Data pr. Kal. Mai. Brundisii.
VIII
CICERO ATTICO SAL.
Scr. Thessalonicae IV K. Iun. a. 696
Brundisio[[96]] proficiscens scripseram ad te, quas ob causas in Epirum non essemus profecti, quod et Achaia prope esset plena audacissimorum inimicorum et exitus difficiles haberet, cum inde proficisceremur. Accessit, cum Dyrrachi essemus, ut duo nuntii adferrentur, unus classe fratrem Epheso Athenas, alter
[96]. Brundisio added by Graevius.
those who envy me, for fear of arousing my grief again, and provoking you to share it by sympathy. But this I will say, that no one has ever suffered such a misfortune, and no one ever had more right to wish for death. But I have missed the time when I could have died with honour. At any other time death will only end my pain, not heal it.
I notice you collect everything which you think can raise any hopes in me of a change in affairs. That “everything” is very little: still, since you so decide, I will await the issue. Though you have not started, you will catch me yet, if you hurry. I shall either go to Epirus, or proceed slowly through Candavia. My hesitation about Epirus does not arise from my changefulness, but from doubts as to where I shall see my brother. I don’t know where I shall see him, nor how I shall tear myself from him. That is the chief and most pitiful of all my miseries. I would write to you oftener and fuller, if grief had not robbed me of all my wits and especially of that particular faculty. I long to see you. Take care of yourself.