Brundisium, March 8, B.C. 47
Cephalio delivered a letter from you on the 8th of March in the evening. Now on the morning of the same day I had sent messengers and had given them a letter for you. But, when I read yours, I thought I ought to send some answer, particularly because you show you are in doubt as to what explanation I am going to offer Caesar of my departure when I did depart from Italy. I have no necessity for a new explanation, for I have often told him myself and instructed others to tell him that I could not put up with people's talk, although I wished it, and much else to the same effect. For there is nothing that I should be more unwilling for him to imagine than that I did not make up my own mind on so important a question. Afterwards I received a letter from Cornelius Balbus the younger saying that Caesar thought my brother Quintus had sounded the bugle for my departure (that was his expression). I was not then aware of what Quintus had written about me to many people; but, though he had spoken and acted with great bitterness when face to face with me, none the less I wrote to Caesar as follows:
"I am as much troubled about my brother Quintus as about myself; but under the present circumstances I do not venture to recommend him to you. One thing, however, I will venture to ask you—I
abs te, quod te oro, ne quid existimes ab illo factum esse, quo minus mea in te officia constarent, minusve te diligerem, potiusque semper illum auctorem nostrae coniunctionis fuisse, meique itineris comitem, non ducem. Quare ceteris in rebus tantum ei tribues, quantum humanitas tua amicitiaque vestra postulat. Ego ei ne quid apud te obsim, id te vehementer etiam atque etiam rogo."
Quare, si quis congressus fuerit mihi cum Caesare, etsi non dubito, quin is lenis in illum futurus sit idque iam declaraverit, ego tamen is ero, qui semper fui. Sed, ut video, multo magis est nobis laborandum de Africa; quam quidem tu scribis confirmari cotidie magis ad condicionis spem quam victoriae. Quod utinam ita esset! Sed longe aliter esse intellego teque ipsum ita existimare arbitror, aliter autem scribere non fallendi, sed confirmandi mei causa, praesertim cum adiungatur ad Africam etiam Hispania.
Quod me admones, ut scribam ad Antonium et ad ceteros, si quid videbitur tibi opus esse, velim facias id, quod saepe fecisti. Nihil enim mihi venit in mentem, quod scribendum putem. Quod me audis erectiorem esse animo, quid putas, cum videas accessisse ad superiores aegritudines praeclaras generi
beseech you to acquit him of doing anything to disturb my sense of your claims on me or to lessen my affection for you, and rather to regard him as the main factor of our union and the companion, not the leader, in my departure. And therefore in all other matters you will give him all the credit that your own kindness and your mutual friendship demands. What I earnestly beg you again and again is, that you will not let me stand in his light with you."
So, if I ever do meet Caesar, though I have no doubt that he will be lenient to Quintus and that he has already made that plain, I shall behave as I always have behaved. But, as I see, what I ought to be most anxious about is Africa, which you say is daily growing stronger, though only to the extent of raising hopes of a compromise rather than a victory. If it could only be true! But I read the signs quite differently, and I think you agree with me, and only say the contrary to hearten me, not to deceive me, especially as Spain too has now joined Africa.[177]