potest mali, quo non urgear. Omnia tamen sunt faciliora quam peccati dolor, qui et maximus est et aeternus. Cuius peccati si socios essem habiturus ego, quos putavi, tamen esset ea consolatio tenuis. Sed habet aliorum omnium ratio exitum, mea nullum. Alii capti, alii interclusi non veniunt in dubium de voluntate, eo minus scilicet, cum se expedierint et una esse coeperint. Ei autem ipsi, qui sua voluntate ad Fufium venerunt, nihil possunt nisi timidi existimari. Multi autem sunt, qui, quocumque modo ad illos se recipere volent, recipientur. Quo minus debes mirari non posse me tanto dolori resistere. Solius enim meum peccatum corrigi non potest et fortasse Laeli. Sed quid me id levat? Nam C. quidem Cassium aiunt consilium Alexandream eundi mutavisse.
Haec ad te scribo, non ut queas tu demere[185] sollicitudinem, sed ut cognoscam, ecquid tu ad ea adferas, quae me conficiunt; ad quae gener accedit et cetera, quae fletu reprimor ne scribam. Quin etiam Aesopi filius me excruciat. Prorsus nihil abest, quin sim miserrimus. Sed ad primum revertor, quid putes faciendum, occultene aliquo propius veniendum an
[185] queas tu demere M (margin): quem tuam demere M.
with which I am not oppressed. But all of them are lighter to bear than my sense of guilt: that is overwhelming and enduring. If I were to have those, whom I thought I had, to share that guilt, that would still be some consolation, though a poor one. But every one else's case admits of some way out, mine of none. Some were captured, some cut off, so there is no doubt about their intentions, especially since they have extricated themselves and joined forces again. Nay even those, who of their own free will came to Fufius,[186] can only be thought cowards. But there are many who will be taken back, however they choose to take themselves back to the fold. So you ought not to be surprised that I cannot bear up against all my sorrow. For I am the one and only person whose slip cannot be mended, except perhaps Laelius—and what good is that?—for they say even C. Cassius has changed his mind about going to Alexandria.
[186] Q. Fufius Calenus was appointed governor of Greece after Pharsalia by Caesar, and many Pompeians surrendered to him.
This I am writing to you not in the hope that you may remove my care, but to know whether you have any suggestion to make about the things that are wearing me out: to the rest you may add my son-in-law and other things which tears prevent me from writing. Why, even Aesopus'[187] son grieves me sorely. There is absolutely nothing wanting to make me the most miserable of men. But I return to the first point. What do you think I ought to do, come secretly
[187] Aesopus was a famous tragic actor and a friend of Cicero. His son was dissolute and supposed to have a bad influence on Dolabella.
mare transeundum. Nam hic maneri diutius non potest.