VII
CICERO TO ATTICUS, GREETING.
On ship-board on the way to Pompeii, Aug. 19, B.C. 44
When I had started from Leucopetra—for that was where I began my crossing—on the sixth of August and gone some forty miles, I was driven back to Leucopetra again by a strong south wind. While I was waiting there for the wind—our friend Valerius has a house there, so I was at home and enjoying myself—there came some men of mark of Regium, fresh from Rome, among them a guest of our friend Brutus, who said he had left Brutus at Naples. They brought an edict of Brutus and Cassius and news that there would be a full meeting of the House on the first of the month and that a letter had been sent by Brutus and Cassius to the ex-consuls
394ut adessent, rogare. Summam spem nuntiabant fore ut Antonius cederet, res conveniret, nostri Romam redirent. Addebant etiam me desiderari, subaccusari.
Quae cum audissem, sine ulla dubitatione abieci consilium profectionis, quo mehercule ne antea quidem delectabar. Lectis vero tuis litteris admiratus equidem sum te tam vehementer sententiam commutasse, sed non sine causa arbitrabar. Etsi, quamvis non fueris suasor et impulsor profectionis meae, adprobator certe fuisti, dum modo Kal. Ian. Romae essem. Ita fiebat, ut, dum minus periculi videretur, abessem, in flammam ipsam venirem. Sed haec, etiamsi non prudenter, tamen ἀνεμέσητα sunt, primum quod de mea sententia acta sunt, deinde, etiamsi te auctore, quid debet, qui consilium dat, praestare praeter fidem? Illud admirari satis non potui, quod scripsisti his verbis: "Bene igitur tu, qui εὐθανασίαν, bene! relinque patriam." An ego relinquebam aut tibi tum relinquere videbar? Tu id non modo non inhibebas, verum etiam adprobabas. Graviora, quae restant. "Velim σχόλιον aliquod elimes ad me oportuisse te istuc facere." Itane, mi Attice? defensione eget meum factum, praesertim apud te, qui id mirabiliter adprobasti? Ego vero istum ἀπολογισμὸν συντάξομαι, sed ad eorum aliquem, quibus invitis et
and ex-praetors asking them to be present. They said there were great hopes that Antony might yield, some agreement be arrived at, and our friends allowed to return to Rome; and they added that I was missed and people were inclined to blame me.
When I heard that, I had no hesitation about giving up my idea of going away, which to be sure I had never fancied even before that: and when I read your letter, I was certainly surprised that you had so utterly changed your opinion; but there seemed to me to be good reason for it. However, though it was not you who persuaded and urged me to go, you certainly approved of my going, if I got back by the end of the year. That would have meant, that, when there was little danger, I should have been away, and should return when it was in full blaze. But that, although it was not a counsel of prudence, I have no right to resent, first because it happened by my own wish, and secondly, even if you had advised me, an adviser need not guarantee anything but his sincerity. What did astonish me beyond measure was that you should use the words: "A fine thing for you, who talk of a noble death, a fine thing, i' faith. Go, desert your country." Was I deserting it, or did you at the time think I was deserting it? You not only raised no finger against it, you even approved of it. The rest is even more severe: "I wish you would write me an explanatory note showing that it was your duty to do it?" So, my dear Atticus? Does my action need defending, especially to you, who expressed strong approval? Yes, I will write a defence, but for some of those who opposed my going and spoke against it.
396dissuadentibus profectus sum. Etsi quid iam opus est σχολίῳ? si perseverassem, opus fuisset. "At hoc ipsum non constanter." Nemo doctus umquam (multa autem de hoc genere scripta sunt) mutationem consilii inconstantiam dixit esse. Deinceps igitur haec: "Nam, si a Phaedro nostro esses, expedita excusatio esset; nunc quid respondemus?" Ergo id erat meum factum, quod Catoni probare non possem? flagitii scilicet plenum et dedecoris. Utinam a primo ita tibi esset visum! tu mihi, sicut esse soles, fuisses Cato. Extremum illud vel molestissimum: "Nam Brutus noster silet," hoc est: non audet hominem id aetatis monere. Aliud nihil habeo, quod ex iis a te verbis significari putem, et hercule ita est. Nam, XVI Kal. Sept. cum venissem Veliam, Brutus audivit; erat enim cum suis navibus apud Heletem fluvium citra Veliam mil. pass. III. Pedibus ad me statim. Dei immortales, quam valde ille reditu vel potius reversione mea laetatus effudit illa omnia, quae tacuerat! ut recordarer illud tuum "Nam Brutus noster silet." Maxime autem dolebat me Kal. Sext. in senatu non fuisse. Pisonem ferebat in caelum; se autem laetari, quod effugissem duas maximas vituperationes, unam, quam itinere faciendo me intellegebam suscipere, desperationis ac relictionis rei publicae (flentes mecum vulgo querebantur, quibus de meo celeri reditu non probabam), alteram, de qua Brutus, et qui una erant (multi autem erant), laetabantur,
Though what need is there of an explanatory note? If I had gone on, there would have been. "But coming back is not consistent." No philosopher ever called a change of plan inconsistency, though there has been a good deal written on the point. So you add: "If you were a follower of our friend Phaedrus,[[316]] one would have a defence ready: but, as it is, what answer can one give?" So my deed was one Cato would not approve of, was it? Of course then it was criminal and disgraceful. Would to heaven you had thought so at first; you should have been my Cato, as you usually are. Your last cut is the most unkind of all: "For our friend Brutus holds his peace," that is to say, he does not dare remonstrate with a man of my age. I see no other meaning that I can attach to your words, and no doubt that is it. For on the 17th, when I reached Velia, Brutus heard of it—he was with his boats on the river Heles about three miles from Velia; and he came at once on foot to see me. Great heavens, how he let out all his pent-up silence in joy at my return or rather my turning back. I could not help thinking of your "Our friend Brutus holds his peace." But what he regretted most was that I was not in the House on the first of August. Piso he lauded to the skies: and he expressed his delight that I had escaped two grounds for reproach. One of these was that of despairing and abandoning the country—and that I knew I might incur in undertaking the voyage; for many had complained to me with tears in their eyes, and I could not convince them of my speedy return. The other point that rejoiced Brutus and those who were with him—and there
[316]. An Epicurean philosopher at Athens; cf. Ad Fam. XIII. 1.