Dum recordationes fugio, quae quasi morsu quodam dolorem efficiunt, refugio ad te admonendum. Quod velim mihi ignoscas, cuicuimodi est. Etenim habeo non nullos ex iis, quos nunc lectito auctores, qui dicant fieri id oportere, quod saepe tecum egi et quod a te approbari volo, de fano illo dico, de quo tantum, quantum me amas, velim cogites. Equidem neque de genere dubito (placet enim mihi Cluati) neque de re (statutum est enim), de loco non numquam. Velim igitur cogites. Ego, quantum his temporibus tam eruditis fieri potuerit, profecto illam consecrabo omni genere monimentorum ab omnium ingeniis sumptorum et Graecorum et Latinorum. Quae res forsitan sit refricatura vulnus meum. Sed iam quasi voto quodam et promisso me teneri puto, longumque illud tempus, cum non ero, magis me movet quam hoc exiguum, quod mihi tamen nimium longum videtur. Habeo enim nihil temptatis rebus omnibus, in quo acquiescam. Nam, dum illud tractabam, de quo ad te ante scripsi, quasi fovebam dolores meos; nunc omnia respuo nec quicquam habeo tolerabilius quam solitudinem; quam, quod eram veritus, non obturbavit Philippus. Nam, ut heri me salutavit, statim Romam profectus est.
Epistulam, quam ad Brutum, ut tibi placuerat, scripsi, misi ad te. Curabis cum tua perferendam.
XVIII
CICERO TO ATTICUS, GREETING.
Astura, March 11, B.C. 45
In trying to escape from the painful sting of recollection I take refuge in recalling something to your memory. Whatever you think of it, please pardon me. The fact is I find that some of the authors over whom I am poring now, consider appropriate the very thing that I have often discussed with you, and I hope you approve of it. I mean the shrine. Please give it all the attention your affection for me dictates. For my part I have no doubt about the design (I like Cluatius' design), nor about the erection (on that I am quite determined); but I have some doubts about the place. So please consider it. I shall use all the opportunities of this enlightened age to consecrate her memory by every kind of memorial borrowed from the genius of all the masters, Greek and Latin. Perhaps it will only gall my wound: but I consider myself pledged by a kind of vow or promise; and I am more concerned about the long ages, when I shall not be here, than about my short day, which, short though it is, seems all too long to me. I have tried everything and find nothing that gives me rest. For, while I was engaged on the essay I mentioned before, I was to some extent fostering my grief. Now I reject everything and find nothing more tolerable than solitude. Philippus has not disturbed it as I feared: for after paying me a visit yesterday he returned at once to Rome.
I have sent you the letter I have written at your suggestion to Brutus. Please have it delivered with your own. However I have sent you a copy of it,
36Eius tamen misi ad te exemplum, ut, si minus placeret, ne mitteres.
Domestica quod ais ordine administrari, scribes, quae sint ea. Quaedam enim exspecto. Cocceius vide ne frustretur. Nam, Libo quod pollicetur, ut Eros scribit, non incertum puto. De sorte mea Sulpicio confido et Egnatio scilicet. De Appuleio quid est quod labores, cum sit excusatio facilis?
Tibi ad me venire, ut ostendis, vide ne non sit facile. Est enim longum iter, discedentemque te, quod celeriter tibi erit fortasse faciendum, non sine magno dolore dimittam. Sed omnia, ut voles. Ego enim, quicquid feceris, id cum recte turn etiam mea causa factum putabo.