A brow austere, a circumspective eye,
A frequent shrug of the os humeri,
A nod significant, a stately gait,
A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,
A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,—
Adopt all these, as time and place will bear:
Then rest assured that those of little sense
Will deem you, sure, a man of consequence.
DCCLXX.—A CHEAP WATCH.
A sailor went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing than its original cost."—"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you two."
DCCLXXI.—SCOTCH WUT.
A laird riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it, and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."—"Did ye," said John; "wull ye haud my horse, sir?"—"Certainly," said the laird, and away rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back, nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad ha' wondered if ye had, for it's ten years sin' I saw him gang in there."
DCCLXXII.—ATTENDING TO A WISH.
"I wish you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying as little as I can!" was the calm reply.
DCCLXXIII.—A MECHANICAL SURGEON.
A valiant sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no surgeon,—a carpenter! a carpenter!"