MCLXXXV.—JOLLY COMPANIONS.
A minister in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings, and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a witness against him. "Well, John, did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C—— the worse of drink?"—"Weel, a wat no; I've monyatime seen him the better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't."—"But did you never see him drunk?"—"That's what I'll ne'er see; for before he be half slockened, I'm ay' blind fu'."
MCLXXXVI.—PAYING IN KIND.
A certain Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles, instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he gave to each a wax candle.
MCLXXXVII.—A FULL HOUSE.
"What plan," said an actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house at my benefit?"—"Invite your creditors," was the surly reply.
MCLXXXVIII.—RATHER THE WORST HALF.
On one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. "And why not?" said the mother; "he's entitled to half, isn't he!"—"Yes, mother," rejoined her son; "but how would you like to have him take out all the soft for his half? He will have his half out of the middle, and I have to sleep both sides of him!"
MCLXXXIX.—FORCE OF HABIT.
A servant of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions always to add, "with her compliments." At length, one morning the girl brought this extraordinary message: "Miss S——'s compliments, and she de'ed last night at aicht o'clock!"