Some Reflections Upon Marriage. / With additions.

by Mary Astell

We never observe, or perhaps make Sport, with the ill Effects of a bad Education, till it comes to touch us home in the ill Conduct of a Sister, a Daughter, or Wife. Then the Women must be blam’d, their Folly is exclaim’d against, when all this while it was the wise Man’s Fault, who did not set a better Guard on those, who, according to him, stand in so much need of one. A young Gentleman, as a celebrated Author tells us, ought above all Things to be acquainted with the State of the World, the Ways and Humours, the Follies, the Cheats, the Faults of the Age he is fallen into; he should by degrees be inform’d of the Vice in Fashion, and warn’d of the Application and Design of those who will make it their Business to corrupt him, should be told the Arts they use, and the Trains they lay, be prepar’d to be Shock’d by some, and Caress’d by others; warn’d who are like to oppose, who to mislead, who to undermine, and who to serve him. He should be instructed how to know and distinguish them, where he should let them see, and when dissemble the Knowledge of them and their Aims and Workings. Our Author is much in the right, and not to disparage any other Accomplishments which are useful in their Kind, this will turn to more Account than any Language or Philosophy, Art or Science, or any other Piece of Good-breeding and fine Education that can be taught him, which are no otherwise excellent than as they contribute to this, as this does above all Things to the making him a wise, a vertuous and useful Man.

And it is not less necessary that a young Lady should receive the like Instructions, whether or no her Temptations be fewer, her Reputation and Honour however are to be more nicely preserv’d; they may be ruin’d by a little Ignorance or Indiscretion, and then though she has kept her Innocence, and so is secur’d as to the next World, yet she is in a great measure lost to this. A Woman cannot be too watchful, too apprehensive of her Danger, nor keep at too great a Distance from it, since Man, whose Wisdom and Ingenuity is so much Superior to hers! condescends for his Interest sometimes, and sometimes by way of Diversion, to lay Snares for her. For though all Men are Virtuosi, Philosophers and Politicians, in comparison of the ignorant and illiterate Women, yet they don’t all pretend to be Saints, and ’tis no great Matter to them, if Women, who were born to be their Slaves, be now and then ruin’d for their Entertainment.

But according to the rate that young Women are Educated, according to the Way their Time is spent, they are destin’d to Folly and Impertinence, to say no worse, and, which is yet more inhuman, they are blam’d for that ill Conduct they are not suffer’d to avoid, and reproach’d for those Faults they are in a Manner forc’d into; so that if Heaven has bestowed any Sense on them, no other Use is made of it, than to leave them without Excuse. So much, and no more, of the World is shewn them, than serves to weaken and corrupt their Minds, to give them wrong Notions, and busy them in mean Pursuits; to disturb, not to regulate their Passions; to make them timorous and dependant, and, in a Word, fit for nothing else but to act a Farce for the Diversion of their Governors.

Even Men themselves improve no otherwise than according to the Aim they take, and the End they propose; and he whose Designs are but little and mean, will be the same himself. Tho’ Ambition, as ’tis usually understood, is a foolish, not to say a base and pitiful Vice, yet the Aspirings of the Soul after true Glory are so much its Nature, that it seems to have forgot it self, and to degenerate, if it can forbear; and perhaps the great Secret of Education lies in affecting the Soul with a lively Sense of what is truly its Perfection, and exciting the most ardent Desires after it.

But, alas! what poor Woman is ever taught that she should have a higher Design than to get her a Husband? Heaven will fall in of course; and if she makes but an Obedient and Dutiful Wife, she cannot miss of it. A Husband indeed is thought by both Sexes so very valuable, that scarce a Man who can keep himself clean and make a Bow, but thinks he is good enough to pretend to any Woman; no matter for the Difference of Birth or Fortune, a Husband is such a Wonder-working Name as to make an Equality, or something more, whenever it is obtain’d.

And indeed, were there no other Proof of Masculine Wisdom, and what a much greater Portion of Ingenuity falls to the Men than to the Women’s Share, the Address, the Artifice, and Management of an humble Servant were a sufficient Demonstration. What good Conduct does he shew! what Patience exercise! what Subtilty leave untry’d! what Concealment of his Faults! what Parade of his Vertues! what Government of his Passions! How deep is his Policy in laying his Designs at so great a Distance, and working them up by such little Accidents! How indefatigable is his Industry, and how constant his Watchfulness not to slip any Opportunity that may in the least contribute to his Design! What a handsome Set of Disguises and Pretences is he always furnish’d with! How conceal’d does he lie! how little pretend, till he is sure that his Plot will take! And at the same Time that he nourishes the Hope of being Lord and Master, appears with all the Modesty and Submission of an humble and unpretending Admirer!

Can a Woman then be too much upon her Guard? Can her Prudence and Foresight, her early Caution, be reckon’d unnecessary Suspicion, or ill-bred Reserve by any but those whose Designs they prevent, and whose Interest it is to declaim against them? It being a certain Maxim with the Men, though Policy or good Breeding won’t allow them to avow it always, that the Women were made for their Sakes and Service, and are in all respects their Inferiors, especially in Understanding; so that all the Compliments they make, all the Address and Complaisance they use, all the Kindness they profess, all the Service they pretend to pay, has no other Meaning, no other End, than to get the poor Woman into their Power, to govern her according to their Discretion. This is all pure Kindness indeed, and therefore no Woman has Reason to be offended with it; for, considering how much she is expos’d in her own, and how safe in their Keeping, ’tis the wisest Thing she can do to put her self under Protection! And then if they have a tolerable Opinion of her Sense, and not their Vanity, but some better Principle disposes them to do something out of the Way, and to appear more generous than the rest of their Sex, they’ll condescend to dictate to her, and impart some of their Prerogative, Books and Learning. ’Tis fit indeed, that she should intirely depend on their Choice, and walk with the Crutches they are pleas’d to lend her; and if she is furnished out with some Notions to set her a prating, I should have said, to make her entertaining, and the Fiddle of the Company, her Tutor’s Time was not ill bestowed: And it were a diverting Scene to see her stript, like the Jay, of her borrowed Feathers, but he, good Man, has not ill Nature enough to take Pleasure in it! You may accuse him, perhaps, for giving so much Encouragement to a Woman’s Vanity, but your Accusation is groundless, Vanity being a Disease the Sex will always be guilty of; nor is it a Reproach to them, since Men of Learning and Sense are over-run with it.

But there are few Women whose Understandings are worth the Management, their Estates are much more capable of Improvement. No Woman, much less a Woman of Fortune, is ever fit to be her own Mistress, and he who has not the Vanity to think what much finer Things he could perform, had he the Management of her Fortune; or so much Partiality and Self-love, as to fancy it can’t be better bestow’d than in making his; will yet be so honest and humble, as to think that ’tis fit she should take his Assistance, as Steward at least. For the good Man aspires no further, he would only take the Trouble of her Affairs off her Hand; and the Sense of her Condescension and his great Obligations, will for ever secure him against acting like a Lord and Master.

The Steps to Folly, as well as Sin, are gradual, and almost imperceptible, and when we are once on the Decline, we go down without taking Notice on’t; were it not for this, one could not account for those strange unequal Marriages we too often see. For there was a Time, no doubt, when a Woman could not have bore the very Thought of what she has been afterwards betray’d into; it would have appear’d as shocking to her, as it always does to other People; and had a Man been so impolitick as to discover the least Intimation of such a Design, he had given her a sufficient Antidote against it. This your wise Men are well satisfied of, and understand their own Interest too well to let their Design go bare-fac’d, for that would effectually put a Bar to their Success. So innocent are they, that they had not the least Thought at first of what their good Fortune afterwards leads them to! They would draw upon him, (if they wear a Sword) or fly in her Face who should let fall the least Hint that they had such Intentions; and this very Eagerness to avoid the Suspicion, is a shrewd Sign that there is Occasion for’t.

But who shall dare to shew the Lady her Danger, when will it be seasonable to give her friendly Notice? If you do it ere she is resolv’d, though with all the Friendship and Tenderness imaginable, she will hardly forgive the Affront, or bear the Provocation; you offer her an Outrage by entertaining such a Thought, and ’tis ten to one if you are not afterwards accus’d for putting in her Head what otherwise she could ne’er have dreamt of. And when no direct Proof can be offer’d, when matter of Prudence is the only Thing in Question, every Body has so good an Opinion of their own Understanding, as to think their own Way the best. And when she has her Innocence and fair Intentions to oppose your Fears and Surmises, and you cannot pretend to wish her better than she does her self, to be more disinterested and diligent in your Watchfulness, or to see farther in what so nearly concerns her, what can be done? Her Ruin is commonly too far advanc’d to be prevented, ere you can in Good-breeding reach out a Hand to help her. For if the Train has took, if she is intangled in the Snare, if Love, or rather a blind unreasonable Fondness, which usurps the Name of that noble Passion, has gain’d on her, Reason and Persuasion may as properly be urg’d to the Folks in Bethlem, as to her. Tell her of this World, she is got above it, and has no Regard to its impertinent Censures; tell her of the next, she laughs at you, and will never be convinc’d that Actions which are not expresly forbid can be Criminal, though they proceed from, and must necessarily be reduc’d to ill Principles, though they give Offence, are of ill Example, injure our Reputation, which, next to our Innocence, we are obliged, as Christians, to take the greatest Care of; and, in a Word, do more Mischief than we can readily imagine. Tell her of her own Good, you appear yet more ridiculous, for who can judge of her Happiness but her self? And whilst our Hearts are violently set upon any thing, there is no convincing us that we shall ever be of another Mind. Our Passions want no Advocates, they are always furnish’d with plausible Pretences, and those very Prejudices, which gave rise to this unreasonable Passion, will for certain give her Obstinacy enough to justify and continue in it. Besides, some are so ill advis’d as to think to support one Indiscretion with another; they would not have it thought they have made a false Step, in once giving Countenance to that which is not fit to be continued. Or perhaps the Lady might be willing enough to throw off the Intruder at first, but wanted Courage to get above the Fear of his Calumnies, and the longer she suffers him to buz about her, she will find it the harder to get rid of his Importunities. By all which it appears, that she who really intends to be secure, must keep at the greatest Distance from Danger, she must not grant the least Indulgence, where such ill Uses will be made of it.