Some Reflections Upon Marriage. / With additions.

by Mary Astell

And since the Case is so, That Woman can never be in Safety who allows a Man Opportunity to betray her. Frequent Conversation does for certain produce either Aversion or Liking, and when ’tis once come to Liking, it depends on the Man’s Generosity not to improve it farther, and where can one find an Instance that this is any Security? There are very many indeed which shew it is none. How sensible soever a Woman may appear of another’s Indiscretion, if she will tread in the same Steps, though but for a little Way, she gives us no Assurance that she will not fall into the same Folly; she may perhaps intend very well, but she puts it past her Power to fulfil her good Intentions. Even those who have forfeited their Discretion, the most valuable Jewel next to their Vertue, and without which Vertue it self is but very weak and faint, ’tis like, were once as well resolv’d as she; they had the very same Thoughts, they made the same Apologies, and their Resentment would have been every whit as great against those who could have imagined they should so far forget themselves.

It were endless to reckon up the divers Stratagems Men use to catch their Prey, their different Ways of insinuating, which vary with Circumstances, and the Lady’s Temper, but how unfairly, how basely soever they proceed, when the Prey is once caught, it passes for lawful Prize, and other Men having the same Hopes and Projects, see nothing to find Fault with, but that it was not their own good Fortune. They may exclaim against it perhaps in a Lady’s Hearing, but it is only to keep themselves from being suspected, and to give the better Colour to their own Designs. Sometimes a Woman is cajol’d, and sometimes hector’d, she is seduc’d to love a Man, or aw’d into a Fear of him: He defends her Honour against another, or assumes the Power of blasting it himself; was willing to pass for one of no Consequence till he could make himself considerable at her Cost. He might be admitted at first to be her Jest, but he carries on the Humour so far till he makes her his; he will either entertain or serve her as Occasion offers, and some Way or other gets himself intrusted with her Fortune, her Fame, or her Soul. Allow him but a frequent and free Conversation, and there’s no manner of Question but that his Ingenuity and Application, will, at one Time or other, get the Ascendant over her.

And generally the more humble and undesigning a Man appears, the more improbable it looks that he should dare to pretend, the greater Caution should be us’d against him. A bold Address and good Assurance may sometimes, but does not always, take. To a Woman of Sense an artificial Modesty and Humility is a thousand times more dangerous, for he only draws back to receive the more Encouragement, and she regards not what Advances she makes towards him, who seems to understand himself and the World so well as to be incapable of making an ill Use of them. Would it not be unreasonable, and a Piece of Ill-breeding, to be shy of him who has no Pretensions, or only such as are Just and Modest? What Hurt in a Visit? Or what if Visits grow a little more frequent? The Man has so much Discernment, as to relish her Wit and Humour, and can she do less than be Partial to him who is so just to her? He strives to please and to render himself agreeable, or necessary, perhaps, and whoever will make it his Business, may find Ways enough to do it. For they know but little of Human Nature, they never consulted their own Hearts, who are not sensible what Advances a well-manag’d Flattery makes, especially from a Person of whose Wit and Sense one has a good Opinion. His Wit at first recommends his Flatteries, and these, in Requital, set off his Wit; and she who has been us’d to this high-season’d Diet, will scarce ever relish another Conversation.

Having got thus far, to be sure he is not wanting to his good Fortune, but drives on to an Intimacy, or what they are pleas’d, now a-days, though very unjustly, to call a Friendship; all is safe under this sacred Character, which sets them above little Aims and mean Designs. A Character that must be conducted with the nicest Honour, allows the greatest Trusts, leads to the highest Improvements, is attended with the purest Pleasures and most rational Satisfaction. And what if the malicious World, envious of his Happiness, should take Offence at it, since he has taken all due Precautions, such unjust and ill-natur’d Censures are not to be regarded; for his Part the Distance that is between them checks all aspiring Desires, but her Conversation is what he must not, cannot want: Life is insipid, and not to be endur’d without it; and he is too much the Lady’s Friend, has too just a Value for her, to entertain a Thought to her Disadvantage.

Now if once it is come to this, God help the poor Woman! for not much Service can be done her by any of her Friends on Earth. That Pretender, to be sure, will be the Darling, he will worm out every other Person, though ever so kind and disinterested. For tho’ true Friends will endeavour to please in order to serve, their Complaisance never goes so far as to prove injurious; the beloved Fault is what they chiefly strike at, and this the Flatterer always sooths; so that at last he becomes the most acceptable Company, and they who are conscious of their own Integrity, are not apt to bear such an unjust Distinction, nor is it by this Time to any Purpose to remonstrate the Danger of such an Intimacy. When a Man, and for certain much more when a Woman, is fallen into this Toil, that is, when either have been so unwary and indiscreet as to let another find out by what Artifices he may manage their Self-love, and draw it over to his Party, ’tis too late for anyone who is really their Friend, to break the Snare and disabuse them.

Neither Sex cares to deny themselves that which pleases, especially when they think they may innocently indulge it; and nothing pleases more than the being Admir’d and Humour’d. We may be told of the Danger, and shewn the Fall of others, but though their Misfortunes are ever so often or so lively represented to us, we are all so well assur’d of our own good Conduct, as to believe it will bring us safe off those Rocks on which others have been Shipwreck’d. We suppose it in our Power to shorten the Line of our Liberty whenever we think fit, not considering that the farther we run, we shall be the more unwilling to retreat, and unable to judge when a Retreat is necessary. A Woman does not know that she is more than half lost when she admits of these Suggestions; that those Arguments she brings for continuing a Man’s Conversation, prove only that she ought to have quitted it sooner; that Liking insensibly converts to Love, and that when she admits a Man to be her Friend, ’tis his Fault if he does not make himself her Husband.

And if Men, even the Modestest and the Best, are only in pursuit of their own Designs, when they pretend to do the Lady Service; if the Honour they would seem to do her, tends only to lead her into an imprudent, and therefore a dishonourable Action; and they have all that good Opinion of themselves as to take every thing for Encouragement, so that she who goes beyond a bare Civility, though she meant no more than Respect, will find it interpreted a Favour, and made ill Use of, (for Favours, how innocent soever, never turn to a Lady’s Advantage) what Shadow of a Pretence can a Woman have for admitting an Intimacy with a Man, whose Principles are known to be Loose, and his Practices Licentious? can she expect to be safe with him who has ruin’d others, and by the very same Methods he takes with her? If an Intimacy with a Man of a fair Character gives Offence, with a Man of an ill one, ’tis doubly and trebly scandalous. And suppose neither her Fortune nor Beauty can tempt him, he has his ill-natur’d Pleasure in destroying that Vertue he will not practise, or if that can’t be done, in blasting the Reputation of it at least, and in making the World believe he has made a Conquest, though he has found a Foil.

If the Man be the Woman’s Inferior, besides all the Dangers formerly mention’d, and those just now taken Notice of, she gives such a Countenance to his Vices, as renders her in great measure, Partaker in them; and, it can scarce be thought in such Circumstances, a Woman could like the Man if she were not reconcil’d to his Faults. Is he her Equal, and no unsuitable Match, if his Designs are fair, why don’t they Marry, since they are so well pleas’d with each other’s Conversation, which in this State only can be frequently and safely allow’d? Is he her Better, and she hopes, by catching him, to make her Fortune, alas! the poor Woman is neither acquainted with the World nor her self; she neither knows her own Weakness, nor his Treachery, and though he gives her ever so much Encouragement to this vain Hope, ’tis only in order to accomplish her Ruin. To be sure the more Freedom she allows, the more she lessens his Esteem, and that’s not likely to increase a real, though it may a pretended Kindness; she ought to fly, if she would have him pursue, the strictest Vertue and Reserve being the only Way to secure him.

Religion and Reputation are so sure a Guard, such a Security to poor defenceless Woman, that whenever a Man has ill Designs on her, he is sure to make a Breach into one or both of these, by endeavouring either to corrupt her Principles, to make her less strict in Devotion, or to lessen her Value of a fair Reputation, and would persuade her, that less than she imagines will secure her as to the next World, and that not much Regard is to be given to the Censures of this. Or if this be too bold at first, and will not pass with her, he has another Way to make even her Love to Vertue contribute to its Ruin, by persuading her it never shines as it ought, unless it is expos’d, and that she has no Reason to boast of her Vertue unless she has try’d it. An Opinion of the worst Consequence that may be, and the most mischievous to a Woman, because it is calculated to feed her Vanity, and tends indeed to her utter Ruin. For, can it be fit to rush into Temptations, when we are taught every Day to pray against them? If the Trials of our Vertue render it illustrious, ’tis such Trials as Heaven is pleas’d to send us, not those of our own seeking. It holds true of both Sexes, that next to the Divine Grace a modest Distrust of themselves is their best Security, none being so often and so shamefully foil’d, as those who depend most on their own Strength and Resolution.

As to the Opinion of the World, tho’ one cannot say ’tis always just, yet generally it has a Foundation, great Regard is to be paid to it, and very good Use to be made of it. Others may be in Fault for passing their Censures, but we certainly are so, if we give them any the least just Occasion. And since Reputation is not only one of the Rewards of Vertue, that which always ought, and generally does attend it, but also a Guard against Evil, an Inducement to Good, and a great Instrument in the Hand of the Wife to promote the common Cause of Vertue; the being Prodigal of the one, looks as if we set no great Value on the other, and she who abandons her good Name, is not like to preserve her Innocence.