"A shadow has come across my way of late,—a great disappointment. I think I mentioned it to you before. A doctor, an acquaintance of mine, has often told me that I studied and read too much.... It is hard for me to realize this, but he insists on a year's rest from study. This will postpone my entrance to Meadville for two years, I fear. I confess to great disappointment over this. I will be past twenty-five when I get to Meadville; and yet there is another side. I have often questioned my fitness for this great work. I wish to be cautious. I do believe that I have a noble gospel to preach. 'To preach,'—but first to live it. And, in shame I confess it, I have not lived it. It will therefore be a good thing if in these two years I give myself to growth in manhood. But enough of this. These matters must be dealt with in the closet,—the soul's closet.... After my taste of Montreal fellowship I am sick with loneliness here. It is fearful, at times, this longing for one friend even, and finding none. But it must be borne without grumbling. And now I must stop. The doctor would object to even this light piece of writing. Thank you kindly for sending me the 'Register' and 'Unity.' It is very good of you to look after me so much. Be assured that your kindness is giving great encouragement to a lonely one who, amid much opposition and misunderstanding from his dearest ones, is making at least a little honest effort to be true to himself and God. I would that I were fully faithful; but it is not so. Still I think your seed will yet bear fruit, and spring up in a life devoted to the uplifting of mankind. My deepest prayer is for this. I trust your health will improve. Still more do I trust that you may continue to grow nearer God, and help others to do so, as you have helped me."
Miss Ellis replied, Aug. 30, 1885:—
"... I have neglected you of late, thinking you were soon to go to Meadville, and that you were busy. We are sorry to hear of your great disappointment. It is a disappointment to us as well, particularly to me. However, we need the reverses and crosses of life as much as the air we breathe, to strengthen our characters. You have pushed yourself so hard with business and studies the past two years, that you have not taken time to view the life around you in the right light. Let the next two years be given principally to building up your character individually and socially, and to improving your health, as one of the first requisites of a minister is a sound mind and a healthy body. Be social; take life cheerfully; make those about you better for your company; and mingle freely with your family and best friends, showing them you are practising Unitarianism. Yes; make these two coming years tell as a preparation for college in another way, and let them prove a blessing to you, though a disappointment at first. Did you read Rev. E. E. Hale's 'Methods,' in 'Register' a few weeks since? This week's 'Register' contains an excellent sermon by Rev. John Clifford on 'Spiritual Building.' Have a home worship of your own sometimes. During the vacation, every Sunday I have had a regular worship. For instance, to-day I read for sermon, 'Spiritual Building;' opening hymn, 'Come, Thou Almighty, help us to praise;' 'Scriptures Old and New' (a compilation by Mr. Forbush and Mr. Hosmer, from all religions, and an excellent thing to have), Lesson 27,—'The Kingdom within us;' prayer, followed by Scripture lesson, Galatians iii., from which is taken text; then Wesley's hymn, 'The whole armor of God;' sermon; closing hymn, Doddridge's 'Awake, my soul, stretch every nerve,' etc. Have been interested during the vacation in looking over Gannett's 'Childhood of Jesus' and Carpenter's 'Palestine when Jesus lived.' Also bought 'Selections from the Apocrypha,' compiled by Mrs. Tileston, who compiled 'Daily Strength.' Readings from the Apocrypha are so common in Unitarian pulpits now, that it is well to be familiar with the best portions. Am not able to do much reading now. Am physically too weak. Never was able to use my brain to its full extent,—feeble and nervous all my life, but active otherwise."
Miss Ellis's last letter to him was written but little more than a month before her death, when in the utmost weakness herself; but to this she makes no allusion. It was a letter of consolation in bereavement, from which this is an extract:—
November 18, 1885.
... The only way to reconcile ourselves to our sorrows is to think of those who are worse off than ourselves. It makes us less inclined to murmur in our own sadness. It is good for us to bear the cross. If things were always as we would have them, many virtues would never be developed. There are so many comforting pieces in "Sunshine in the Soul." Some I marked for a former correspondent. Mr. Thayer read for his Scripture lesson last Sunday, Job. iv. 5; and v. 6-11; 17 to end. I have no doubt your sister knows many comforting passages; but the real comfort is found in keeping ourselves busy for others, while at the same time we lean and trust in God to give us peace of soul. We find it in time as we go on patiently doing the duty just before us, and loving the blessings which remain to us.
One of Miss Ellis's last thoughts was for this correspondent. When hardly able to speak, she requested a special "Register" sent to him. It was sent, and a postal card informing him of her condition. He replied:—
December 25, 1885.
Your card came to me this morning. I am shocked at its sad message. I was not in the least prepared for it. It seems to hold out no hope. Though I have never seen Miss Ellis, she has been to me for over three years a close friend. And now I must lose her friendship, and her kind encouraging letters! But I am not intending to complain of loss, but rather to be thankful for the help I have received from her. I shall now have another motive to work on, to be more faithful in life. That motive shall be the memory of Miss Ellis's self-sacrificing life. I have a large package of her letters which will be more valued now than ever before. I do trust her work will go on; it ought to certainly. If I can help I will gladly do so.
Later, he wrote in reply to a letter announcing her death:—
January 1, 1886.
I was very glad to hear a little of our dear friend who spends this happy New Year's Day freed from all ills of the body. I can hardly realize that she is gone. She never gave me a hint that she was seriously ill, but always spoke cheerfully. It is such a short time ago that I wrote to her as usual, not having the remotest thought that she would never answer my letter. Her last letters to me are dated Nov. 6 and 18, and, singularly enough, are almost entirely taken up with remarks upon death and affliction. Not a word of herself, however....
Miss Ellis wrote me two letters full of kindness and sympathy, and sending cheering words to my sister; for she wrote, "Though I don't know her, I feel deeply for her." It really is hardly possible to estimate the influence, both direct and indirect, which Miss Ellis has had upon my life. It is a very long story, this of my inquiries in religious matters. I have always looked forward to the day when I should see our friend and speak to her of it, and make some expression of my gratitude to her. But it is not to be,—not in this life, at least. Hereafter her letters shall be a source of constant encouragement to me. I have them all, and glad I am of it, for through them she will yet speak to me. I often wished to have a photograph of her, and I am very sorry now that I too long hesitated to take the first step in making a mutual exchange. Often when weary through the day's work I have been cheered by her kind letters. But this is only one limited instance of her influence. For years I went to my daily work sad and heavy of heart because life was aimless, almost dead. By the printed page Miss Ellis showed me God,—God living, working, right here now, daily surrounding me and all men. And lo! life has an aim, is full of beauty and goodness and joy.... All this I owe to her.
In response to a request for letters, he wrote: