In vain did I represent to the enraged Chamberlain, that I dared not take up his cudgels, lest I should repent it; he would admit of no excuse. His prayers, my great friendship for him, the mortal hatred I had for the Secretary, and above all my natural propensity to mischief, determined me at length to espouse his cause. “Well then,” said I, “leave it to me, I will undertake to make my talents useful to you. All I require of you is, to behave towards the Secretary as though you had not the most distant thought that he was the author of the late plot.” The Chamberlain, simple as he was, played his part so well, that all the servants thought he had forgiven all that had passed.
In the meantime I was on the alert in preparing every thing to keep my promise. I bought some rosin, mastic, and frankincense, reduced the whole into a powder, and mixed them well together in a paper packet which I kept in my pocket until an opportunity presented itself of making use of it. This offered itself very opportunely a few days after. It was the Spanish post-day, and Mr. Secretary being very much engaged, I went to his apartment in the morning, and entered his wardrobe where his servant was. “James,” said I, “my dear fellow, I have a loaf and a fine slice of fried ham below. I want but a bottle of wine to make a good breakfast. If you can supply this, you shall share with me; otherwise I must look for some one else.” “Mr. Guzman,” answered James, his eyes sparkling with joy, “I am your man; I can easily get you a bottle of the very best wine, and if you will but wait here I shall be with you again in an instant.” Thus saying he disappeared, leaving me master of the wardrobe. Then looking about for his master’s breeches, for I knew the Secretary did not put them on in the morning, having slipped on his dressing gown over his shirt that he might write more at his ease. I perceived them on the back of a chair. I took them up and turned them inside out, and after having strewed my powders all over the inside of them, I replaced them exactly as I found them. James soon returned with the wine, but scarcely had we begun breakfast when his master called him to assist in dressing, and detained him in his room so long that I was obliged to find another to share my bottle with me, waiting most anxiously for the time when I should have the pleasure of seeing my composition operate.
It had its full effect at the Cardinal’s dinner, where there were a number of visitors that day. As we were in the middle of the dog-days, the extreme heat of the weather was very favorable to my trick. Mr. Nicola was in waiting in the parlour with the other officers. I soon remarked by his distortions that he felt a great itching in a part of his body where through respect he dared not put his hand. He knew not how to keep his countenance, and unfortunately, the more he shrugged himself about the more he increased the pain. As he was naturally as hairy as a bear, the powder stuck in his hair and flesh, and twitched him like the points of a thousand needles. This was not all, for the Cardinal having some orders to give him, called him, and whilst in the act of whispering to him, his Eminence was obliged to stop his nose all at once, saying: “What on earth have you about you, that you smell so strong of rosin and frankincense?” The Secretary coloured at these words, and stood farther off from his master, who, perceiving that almost all my comrades, whom the Chamberlain had let into the secret, were whispering and laughing among themselves, began to suspect that I had been at my tricks again. As I stood very near to him looking very demurely all the while; “Guzman,” said he, “what is the fun now that seems to cause so much tittering?” “I know not indeed,” answered I, “unless it be on account of our Secretary’s having taken a laxative draught composed of turpentine this morning.” The Cardinal laughed most heartily, and the whole table followed his example. Nicola now began to see through the business, and not being any longer able to endure the jeers and laughters with which the dining parlour resounded at his expence, took to his heels with a precipitation which redoubled the pleasure of the company. After he had left the room, the Cardinal, impatient to know what was really the matter, addressed himself to the Chamberlain, who concealed nothing from him. This adventure established my reputation in the palace as a most formidable character.
After having been banished two months from the chamber of the pages, I was at length recalled and re-established in my former post, the duties of which I resumed with as much effrontery as if nothing had happened. This brought to my mind a fable which you have doubtless heard, of the Air, the Water, and Shame, who having kept company together for some time, and being at length obliged to part, were desirous to know where they should see each other again. Quoth the Air, “you will always find me on the top of mountains;” “and I, without fail,” said the Water, “may always be found in the bowels of the earth.” “As for me,” said Shame sighing, “if I am once parted with, it is impossible to meet with me again.” Nothing can be more true: in my own case I felt it, for I was now no longer susceptible of shame at the commission of a bad action; the only shame I felt was in being detected. In short, I was so naturally disposed to knavery, that I really believe I would have thrown myself headlong from the top of the Castle of St. Angelo, if I saw any thing at the bottom worth stealing.
As the good Cardinal was a great lover of sweetmeats, especially of those that came from the Canaries in barrels, he would always send for more when his stock was out; and when the barrels were empty they became the property of the first servant who took possession. One fell to my share in this manner, in which I kept my handkerchiefs, cards, dice, and other effects of a poor page. One day a man called to inform his Eminence that a merchant had just received twelve barrels of fruits of this description. The Cardinal ordered them for himself. I heard this order given, and said within myself, it shall go hard but I have one of them. I retired to my chamber to consider how I could make myself master of one, and resolved on this plan: I instantly emptied my barrel of my old rags, and having filled it with earth and straw, I closed it down, and put on the hoops again so neatly that it looked as if it had never been opened. This done, I went down into the court-yard to wait the arrival of those that were full of sweetmeats. I had not waited long before I perceived them coming with the Major-domo at their head, who ordered us to carry them immediately into the closet where his Eminence usually kept them. Each of my comrades carried up a barrel. I took good care to be the last with mine, having my reasons for wishing to walk after all the rest. We were necessarily to pass by my chamber, so that seeing myself followed by no one, I slipped in unperceived, and changing the barrels in the twinkling of an eye, carried the one I had so well filled with earth and straw, and laid it boldly among the rest in the Cardinal’s closet. His Eminence was himself there to see them, and when they were all arranged in order he turned towards me with a smile on his countenance and said: “well, Guzman, what think you of these barrels? it will not be so easy a matter to thrust an arm into these, or to use wedges as with the former ones.” “If wedges will not do,” replied I, coolly, “I may be tempted to employ my nails, for the hand sometimes does the office of the arm.” “Ah!” replied his Eminence, “but I defy thee to pilfer these barrels, which have no corners to be lifted up as the chest had.” “True,” replied I, “but I beseech your Eminence not to defy me in any thing; for the devil may in such a case furnish me with the means of deceiving you.” “Be that as it may,” cried the Cardinal, “I give you leave with all my heart to steal these sweetmeats if you can, and I give you eight days to do it in. Should you be dexterous enough to succeed, you shall not only be allowed to keep what you steal, but I promise you as much more: on condition, however, that should your genius be obliged to yield, you will without murmuring submit to whatever penalty I may choose to inflict.”
“That is but just my Lord,” said I, “and I agree to the alternative. Yes,” continued I, “if I do not perform my task in four and twenty hours, for I ask not eight days for so trifling an affair, I will submit to any punishment Signor Nicola may be pleased to sentence me to, who, after the affair of the mosquitos and that of the turpentine, is not likely, you will allow, to be too lenient a judge.” The Cardinal laughed at these last words, and it was finally agreed that I should be punished or rewarded on the following day.
What precautions did not his Eminence take to secure his barrels from my clutches! besides keeping the key of the closet in his own possession, he set some of his most confidential domestics to be most constantly on the watch. The next day at dinner the good prelate, fancying me a little thoughtful, said with a smile: “Guzman, I see plainly what makes you so dull; you are reflecting on the luxury of receiving a hundred lashes from the vigorous arm of Signor Nicola.” “Indeed my Lord” replied I, “nothing was farther from my thoughts; for the sweetmeats are already in my possession.”
The Cardinal, fully persuaded that no one could possibly have gained access to his closet or touched his sweetmeats, seemed surprised at my effrontery, and rallied me all dinner-time on the strapping that was justly my due. I allowed him to divert himself as long as he pleased, but when the dessert was about to be served up, I stole privately out of the dining room up to my own chamber, and drew out of my barrel some of the sweetmeats, with which I filled a basin I had taken off the sideboard for that purpose, and carried them to his Eminence’s table. He was so strangely surprised at sight of them, that he could scarcely believe his own eyes, “Here,” said he to the chamberlain, giving him the key of the closet, “go and count the barrels attentively; there must be one short.” The chamberlain returned with an assurance that they were all safe. “Ah, ah!” said the Cardinal, “I now see through your finesse, my poor Guzman. You have purchased some of the same merchant who sold me these fruits, and now hope to make me believe that you have stolen them; but it will not do, Mr. Guzman; your undertaking was to open and pilfer one of my barrels and take out some of the sweetmeats; this was our wager as you will be pleased to recollect; you cannot, therefore, escape the punishment.” “Come, Signor Nicola,” continued he, “seize this rash youth, and inflict on him such chastisement as he may appear to you to deserve.” “Softly, my Lord,” said I, at these last words; “I confess that I amply deserve all this if the sweetmeats that I have just laid before you are not some of those your Eminence bought yesterday; but you must allow also that I have won if I prove the contrary, by convincing you that I have at this moment in my own chamber one of the twelve barrels that were yesterday brought into your palace.”
“Be cautious what you affirm, page,” interrupted the Chamberlain; “there are twelve barrels in my master’s cabinet which I have counted over and over again.” “That may be,” said I to the Chamberlain, “but recollect that the wolf often eats the counted sheep.” The Cardinal anxious to know the truth of the matter, hastened his dinner over, that he might examine his closet, whither he repaired, accompanied by all the guests that dined with him that day, who for the most part felt convinced by the bold face I assumed, that the affair would not end to my disadvantage.
His Eminence counted the barrels himself, and finding twelve, “Guzman,” said he, “here are the twelve barrels that I bought.” “My Lord,” answered I, “there are certainly twelve, but they are not all full of sweetmeats.” The Cardinal, losing patience, wished to have them opened. “No, no,” cried I, “I will save you that trouble.” Saying which, I pointed out to him the barrel I had filled with earth and straw, and while they were opening it I ran to my chamber, whence I returned with the other, which was still half full of fruit, and related in what manner I had gained possession of it.