Ah! miserable slave, you will naturally say, what profit could you possibly derive during a year of so much trouble? alas! I must answer, I was servant to every body; a fine coat was certainly given me, but that not so much for my own use as my lord’s honour. I got nothing in this service but the itch and severe colds, except some ends of flambeaux which I stole and sold to the cobblers; and it was necessary to be very cautious to commit even these little thefts with impunity. Woe to us pages if we were ever caught in the fact; we were sure to get well lashed. Besides the pieces of wax that we cut off the flambeaux, we sometimes lay our hands upon some tit-bits that were served up at table, which we ate in private. But such tricks as these required more dexterity than was possessed by any of my comrades; and a pretty accident befel one of these silly fellows. As he was clearing away the dishes after having waited at table, he thought proper to steal some honey fritters, which he wrapped up hastily in his handkerchief, and crammed into his pocket. The fritters being very hot, and pent up in so close a place, began to discharge their honey, which ran all down the poor page’s leg. Ill-luck directed the Cardinal’s eyes that way, who, guessing at first sight what it was, began to laugh most heartily. “Page,” said he, addressing himself to this simpleton, “I perceive blood trickling down your legs; are you any where wounded?” At this question, all the company, which was very numerous, and even the servants, turned about to look at the culprit’s leg, and the poor devil of a page stood confused and mortified, knowing that his crime was discovered. Happy for him had he been let off for the shame of enduring the extreme laughter which he excited, but he paid much more dearly the next day for his fritters, the honey of which was but sour to him.
Most of my other comrades were as green as this one when I was first received among them; and as I could not refrain from following my old habits, I employed myself in robbing them of whatever they had worth stealing, in spite of all the pains they took to secure themselves from my clutches. This soon taught them to be rather more vigilant. Our master kept, in a closet adjoining his own bed-chamber, a large chest, filled with all sorts of dried sweetmeats, which he was extremely fond of. In this chest, among other things, were prunes from Genoa, bergamot-pears from Aranjuez, melons from Grenada, citrons from Seville, oranges from Placentia, lemons from Murcia, cucumbers from Valencia, love-apples from Toledo, peaches from Arragon, and raisins from Malaga. In short, the most delicious sweetmeats and dried fruits of every description were to be found in this enviable chest, which never failed to make my mouth water whenever his Eminence gave me the key to get some out for him. On such occasions, however, he always took good care to be present himself, distrusting, as I supposed, my thieving disposition. I was much mortified at this suspicion, which only served to excite my desire, which was already strong enough, to have a taste of these fine preserves, and not being able any longer to resist the temptation, I thought of nothing but the means of gratifying my inclination. The chest was about a yard wide, and two yards and a half long, and had only one lock in the middle. Seeing this, I procured a wooden wedge, and raised a corner of the lid, by which means I made an opening large enough to admit my arm; but as I could then only choose such sweetmeats as lay within my reach, I fastened a hook to the end of a long stick, with the assistance of which I had the pleasure of picking and choosing where I pleased. Thus I made myself complete master of the chest without having the key of it.
Notwithstanding the great quantity of fruits in the chest, my stick was so frequently at work that they began to diminish apace. The Cardinal observed large holes here and there, which did not much please him; but one day being desirous to taste a very fine citron which he had taken particular notice of the preceding evening, what was his astonishment when he found it flown? He summoned his principal officers before him, and told them he was determined to know which of his domestics had been so insolent as to open his chest and touch the fruits he so much prized, charging his major-domo, a sour ill-natured priest, to leave no stone unturned to find out the thief. Suspicion fell upon the pages, and we were ordered to assemble in the hall, where we were searched, one after another; but to no purpose were our pockets ransacked, in vain were we threatened, for I had long ere this not only eaten the citron but digested it.
This affair soon blew over, and no more was said of it. The Cardinal, however, had not forgotten it, and I was obliged to be so much on my guard that I did not venture to pay another visit to my favourite chest, even to look at it, for several days. This vexed me exceedingly; for I had acquired a particular relish for his Eminence’s sweetmeats, and so far from thinking of giving them up, was waiting anxiously for the first opportunity of having another touch at them. One day, therefore, while the Cardinal was engaged at play with some other Cardinals after dinner, I doubted not that I should have abundance of leisure to resort to my old sport again. Quite confident of this, I ran for my tools, which I had hid in a snug place, and glided into the closet without being perceived by any one. Scarcely had I raised the lid and thrust in my arm, when his Eminence entered the chamber, and finding neither of his pages there, assisted himself to what he wanted. I heard him, and endeavoured to release my arm with so much haste and fear that I struck the wedge out with my elbow, and the lid fell on my arm, so that I was caught like a bird in a trap. The Cardinal, hearing the noise, began to be alarmed for his sweetmeats, and entered the closet immediately, where he found me in this ludicrous situation: “Ah! ah! friend Guzman,” cried he, “is it then you who rob me of my sweetmeats?” The grimaces that I made at finding myself so fairly caught were so ridiculous that he could not restrain his laughter. He even called the other Cardinals that they might enjoy my confusion, who left off playing and ran up immediately; and after they had diverted themselves for some time at my expence, they entreated him to forgive me this time, saying that they were convinced I should not again transgress. But my master was inexorable: all that their prayers could obtain for me was, that I should receive only a dozen lashes instead of four-and-twenty, which I had so richly deserved. This chastisement could not be remitted; and the major-domo, signor Nicola, my mortal enemy, was charged to inflict it in his own apartment; which duty he acquitted himself of with such hearty good will, that I was scarcely able to stir for above a fortnight after.
It was not many days, however, before I was avenged on him for this hard usage. You must know that this chanced to be just the season for mosquitos, with which Rome was more than usually swarmed that year. Signor Nicola, who loved his ease, was complaining one day in my presence how much he was annoyed in his bed by these troublesome companions. “Signor,” said I, “you will have only yourself to blame if you are not quickly rid of them for ever. In Spain we have an infallible secret to secure ourselves from being plagued by these insects, which, if you please, I shall be happy to communicate to you.” “You will oblige me beyond measure,” answered Nicola. “You have only,” replied I, with a serious countenance, “to lay at your bed’s-head a good bunch of parsley well steeped in vinegar, of which these vermin are extremely fond, and which is sure to kill them.”
He believed me, and tried the experiment that very night, but it had a very different effect, for he found himself assailed more cruelly than ever, and was even fearful that they would have eaten his nose off or torn out his eyes, and had given himself a thousand violent thumps on the face during the night to get rid of them. Thus had he fought with them until daylight, when he found that he had not come very victoriously off, for that even of such of his enemies as he thought he had crushed, very many had escaped. I did not fail to go into his chamber to see him the first thing in the morning, and his swoln eyes quickly assured me of the success of my plan. He told me how he had been tormented, saying that my secret was not worth a farthing. I affected great astonishment. “You cannot then,” said I, “have left the parsley long enough in the vinegar, or the vinegar you were supplied with must have been very weak and bad; for I assure you, that by carrying a bunch of parsley prepared in the same manner into my own chamber, I have entirely cleared it of these troublesome guests, who were there in swarms before I used this remedy.” The major-domo was fool enough to believe me again, and left a whole bundle of parsley to soak for above six hours in the strongest vinegar he could procure, and then not only put it into his bed, but scattered it all over his chamber. God knows what furious attacks he was therefore exposed to: I verily believe that all the mosquitos in the neighbourhood poured down in legions upon him to devour him, and made so furious an assault, that they left him like a leper all over his body. What a thrashing would he have given me had he met me on the following day! but his Eminence, to prevent accident, called us both into his presence, desiring him not to treat me harshly on the occasion, and at the same time gave me a slight reprimand, though he could scarcely restrain his laughter at the success of my scheme. “For what reason,” said the good prelate, “have you played such a scurvy trick upon Signor Nicola?” “My Lord,” replied I, “for no other reason than that when he had orders to give me a dozen lashes for my exploit among the sweetmeats, he accommodated me with more than twenty on his own account. I have only, therefore, avenged my scars by those I have inflicted on him.
Thus ended this notable affair. Ever since my unlucky adventure of the sweetmeat-chest, I had been discharged from the chamber of the pages. The flogging I got was not the only way in which I was punished, for I had been passed into the Chamberlain’s department, to serve among the foot-boys until I had sufficiently atoned for my offence to be reinstated in my former post. The Chamberlain was a man of honour and sincerity, but rather too scrupulous, and even inclined to be visionary. He had several relations in the neighbourhood, who were very virtuous girls, but so poor, that he would send every day two thirds of his own meals to enable them to subsist. He went occasionally to dine or sup with them. This afforded an opportunity to the officers of the family, and especially our Major-domo, to rally him before his Eminence, who was greatly diverted by it.
One night when the Chamberlain came home after having dined with his relations, finding himself rather indisposed, he retired into his own chamber and went to bed. The Cardinal not seeing him at supper, inquired after him. “My Lord,” said one of the servants, “he is not very well.” The Cardinal, who was anxious to know what could ail him, sent one of his gentlemen to see, who returned with a report that the Chamberlain only required a good night’s rest, and that he doubted not he would be perfectly well again by the morning. This passed off well enough; but the Secretary Nicola, who was always ready to pick a hole in the Chamberlain’s coat, having learnt the next morning that he was much better, caused one of the pages to be dressed up in a young woman’s clothes, who, with the assistance of a bribe to one of the foot-boys, introduced himself into the bed-room while the Chamberlain was fast asleep, and glided to the side of the bed where he was concealed by the curtains. Immediately after this the Secretary went to wait on the Cardinal, who inquired after the invalid the first thing. “He has passed but an indifferent night, I understand,” answered Nicola, “but is much better this morning.” The Cardinal, who loved all his domestics as a father loveth his children, resolved, upon hearing this, to go and see the Chamberlain himself, who was disturbed from his slumbers to be apprised of the honour intended him.
His Eminence then entered the sick man’s chamber, and sat down on a chair at the side of the bed; but scarcely was he seated, when he saw the metamorphosed page slip suddenly from the bed-side, who counterfeiting, most naturally, the embarrassed female anxious to escape, got off at length crying, “Oh! good God, I am ruined for ever! what must his Eminence think of me!” The Cardinal, who had not been prepared for this scene, and who believed his Chamberlain to be a religious steady man, appeared to be extremely surprised at this sight; but great as his astonishment was, it amounted to nothing in comparison with that of our visionary Chamberlain, who, as if just roused from a most horrible dream, cried aloud, that it was assuredly the Devil himself come to tempt him in the shape of a woman. This idea caused so excessive an agitation of his spirits that he could scarcely be restrained from leaping out of bed in his shirt before his Eminence, and taking to his heels. As all the servants who were present were privy to the Secretary’s design, they could not avoid laughing, from which the Cardinal soon perceived that it was only a trick upon his Chamberlain, and had the goodness to relieve his distress by undeceiving him himself. After which he retired.
All this was just over when I reached home, having been out on different commissions the whole of the morning. Finding the worthy Chamberlain very low-spirited on my return, I enquired the cause, and he related the whole affair to me, saying he had no doubt that Nicola was at the bottom of it. “I would willingly, my dear Guzman,” added he, “most willingly sacrifice one of my eyes to be amply avenged on him for this plot, and with your assistance I doubt not I may be able to return him a ‘roland for his oliver.’ A knowing shaver like you will soon devise some good trick to play him.” “I must confess,” answered I, “that were I in your place, the Secretary should have no occasion to go to the Pope for absolution; I would make him do sufficient penance for his trick. Remember, however, that he is my superior, and it is not for me to interfere with officers who are above me. If I was excused for the trick I played master Nicola on my own account, it was only because what I did was to revenge myself for his former cruel conduct towards me.”