“Be you an Italian or a Spaniard, your presumption is unpardonable in coming into this country to dispute our ladies’ hearts with us: but as you appear to be a foreigner, we are willing to excuse your extreme rashness, on condition that you leave Saragossa within four and twenty hours. Should your evil genius induce you to despise our resentment, be prepared to encounter Don Lucio de Ribera, whom no one has hitherto been able to vanquish, but whom you must overcome before you can offer any pretensions to Donna Lucia.”
Knowing the letter before I opened it to be from Don Lucio, I guessed that it must be a challenge, or something approaching it; so that I was not in the least astonished at its contents. “Sir,” said I to the messenger, “tell your employer on this occasion, that whether Italian or Spaniard, I have two daggers very much at his service, and that I am ready to fight him in my shirt, to prevent the possibility of foul play. No coats of mail for me; the really brave never make use of them in single combat. Let Don Lucio agree to these articles, and he shall find that I am ready to brave any danger to deserve the heart of Lucia. This is my answer.” “Give it me in writing,” replied the bearer of the letter, “that the regular Don Lucio may be convinced of my having delivered his message like a man of honour.” To satisfy this valiant messenger, I took the trouble of committing to paper the same words that I had just told him aloud, and he left me, promising to return in the afternoon, to fix the hour and the spot on which we should fight. After this rascal had left the room, I congratulated myself exceedingly that I had acquitted myself so manfully on this occasion, for though I had not the slightest inclination to fight, it was not the less necessary to assume the bravo, which has got many a man out of a scrape in similar cases, and which indeed was the only way in which I could receive so boisterous a gentleman. Let the worst come to the worst, however, thought I, my mules being always ready, I can at any time make a retreat. It is true that the idea of leaving Lucia would have caused me some pain, but I was not yet so much in love with her, as to hesitate between the possession of her and the preservation of my own sweet person.
Still this affair caused no inconsiderable anxiety, and I was most intently musing upon it, when mine host entered the room without my perceiving him, to ask whether I was ready for dinner, and seeing me look into my pocket handkerchief after having made use of it, roared out most lustily: “Take care of yourself, Sir, or you are undone!” I shuddered at these words, for my head was so full of the last scene, that I thought nothing less than that Don Lucio was on his way up stairs with the intention of assassinating me; but seeing my landlord laugh at my alarm, I recovered myself a little, and gave him to understand that I did not much admire such jokes; this only caused him to laugh the more at my expence. “How came you then,” said he, “to look into your handkerchief after having blown your nose? Know you not that you have thereby incurred a penalty for having broken the laws established against such ridiculous customs?” Knowing the fellow to be an original who meant no offence, I joined him in the laugh, and asked what the forfeit was. “No stipulated sum,” replied he, “but I dare say I can let you off for a real.” This I paid most willingly, though I would rather have paid twenty times the sum to have dispensed with the fright he had caused me. “In return for this,” continued he, “I receive you from this moment as one of our fraternity, and promise to give you a licence, by virtue of which you may in future commit the like fooleries at your pleasure; and since your real has produced you the honour of a place amongst us, it is but fair that I should amuse you after dinner by the perusal of the list of such habits as will entitle any one to a place in our brotherhood.”
No sooner had I dined, than he entered the room again, with a long tablet carefully sealed with yellow wax, containing the names of the elders and governors of the fraternity. The following pages contained all the fooleries that would entitle a person to be admitted into Fool’s College. I shall quote five or six of these instances, which will suffice to give you an idea of the rest. Preamble: “We declare quite worthy to be admitted into our College, all those who may be addicted to the following habits:”
1st. He who talks to himself either in his room or in the street.
2d. He who in playing at bowls, runs after his own bowl with divers contortions, hoping to make it roll to the exact spot he wishes.
3d. All those who take up their cards one by one, thinking by that means to ensure themselves all the court cards in the pack.
4th. Those who inquire the hour of the day while the clock is striking exactly before them.
5th. Those who, having sent a servant on an errand, plant themselves at the window, thinking thereby to hasten his return.
6th. All those who after having blown their noses, examine their handkerchiefs most attentively, as though they expected to find pearls in them, &c. &c. &c.