The German gentleman, far from diminishing our household expenses, increased them daily. He loaded us with presents, and we began to give ourselves great airs. I had three footmen, and my wife two female attendants. We lived as if our property was doomed to last all our lives. It was not, however, very far from its termination. Our gallant foolishly thought fit to boast of his good fortune to a friend, a young Count of the Court, and to bring him with him to visit us. As soon as this latter saw Donna Maria, he became his friend’s rival. This was of little consequence. The lady would have had wit enough to have pleased them both; but the Count wishing that two or three other of his fashionable friends should partake of his amusements, introduced them also to our house, where these youths altogether turned the house almost out of windows; nothing was to be heard but laughing and singing, from morning till night: and nothing could be done but gaming and drinking. And as these youngsters’ pockets were not always well stored, they borrowed and cheated; and though all this property generally fell into our hands, it went as lightly as it came.
So irregular a life could not fail to draw some misfortune upon us. Two of these young gentlemen, already irritated by jealousy, had a trifling dispute at play one night, upon which they immediately drew their swords. They fought; and before they could be separated, one of them received a mortal wound. The parents of the wounded gentleman, having learnt that this accident happened at my house, which they considered a resort for the disorderly, caused me to be arrested in my bed one morning by a large body of constables, who, after having possessed themselves of the principal part of my property, led me to prison.
This sudden intrusion of justice awoke my wife in rather a disagreeable manner, who rose and dressed herself speedily, in order to intercede with one of the principal judges, a person respectable as well from his venerable appearance as his advanced age. She threw herself at his feet with tears in her eyes, and implored his support with the most affecting language. The old man, notwithstanding his years, was less interested by the entreaties of his fair petitioner than by the charms of her person. He raised her up, and introduced her into his closet, that, as he said, her audience might not be interrupted; and while she related the affair to him, the old satyr, who scarcely listened to a word she said, dried her tears with his handkerchief with one hand, while he placed the other trembling on her bosom. In short, he gave her hopes that the unlucky adventure which had happened to me would have no ill consequences, and immediately sent orders to the gaoler to treat me well; for he was a magistrate of great authority, and might have released me immediately had he been so inclined, but he wanted a few more audiences with my wife. He appointed her to wait upon him the next day at the same hour. This she did, and was immediately shewn into his closet again, where she found him full dressed, combed, perfumed, and his beard neatly trimmed for the occasion. The success of this second visit was a promise that I should the next day be set at liberty; and my wife was obliged to call upon him again, to receive from his own hands the warrant for my release.
I thought myself very lucky in having got over this affair in so short a time, though it had cost me almost half I was worth. I flattered myself that, with so powerful a protector as my wife had now made, we might in future do any thing we pleased with impunity. Immediately after dinner I repaired to the judge’s house, where I thanked him for his great goodness. He received me very politely, and invited me to pay him a visit occasionally. I pretended to be extremely sensible of this honour, and, on taking leave, besought a continuance of his protection. He assured me that I might rely upon it; and, the better to convince me, he honoured us with a visit that very evening. We received him in such a manner, that if he had been Prime Minister of Spain he could not have had more respect shewn him. As he told us that he liked music, my wife and I formed a little concert for his amusement. We afterwards regaled him with fruits and sweetmeats, which he repaid the next day by a handsome present to my wife.
This superannuated gallant accustomed himself by degrees to spend every evening in a house where he was so well entertained. At last he began to find my presence troublesome to him, and to get me out of the way, he told me, one day that I was dining with him, that ’twas a pity a man of sense and learning as I was should pass his youth away in idleness; that he would think of some post that would suit me, in which I should be simple indeed if I did not speedily grow rich. I assured him that my idleness was quite contrary to my inclinations, and that he would most sensibly oblige me if he would procure me an useful occupation, in which I trusted I could acquit myself to his satisfaction. The next day he paid me another visit, and put into my hands a commission to be one of the Receivers of King’s Taxes, signifying to me, at the same time, that it would be necessary for me to repair to the precinct to which I was appointed without delay. Although I had but little inclination to this employment, I accepted it, and returned my benefactor as many thanks as if he had raised me to one of the first posts in the kingdom. My wife was scarcely better pleased at it than I was, but we resolved in secret to make trial, whether, during my absence, our amorous grey-beard would be sufficiently generous to recompense us for the loss of the German gentleman.
I accordingly took leave of Donna Maria, leaving the field open to her old Adonis. I arrived at the department to which I was appointed, entered upon my new charge, and began to exercise it; but, alas! I soon found that, without robbing, extortion, and all sorts of violence upon the poor country people, I should be reduced to worse straits than ever. In short, I did not like the business, for I could not help thinking that a robber on the highway was an honester profession. Accordingly I had determined, at the expiration of the first three months, to be requested to be recalled. That time, however, had not elapsed before my patron wrote to me of his own accord to return to Madrid. This letter caused me more joy than I had felt when he so charitably released me from prison. I gave up my post with all my heart, and returned to my patron, very curious to learn how he could have grown tired of my absence. I went to see him the first thing on my arrival, and he began immediately to complain of Donna Maria’s coquettish inclinations. “Your wife,” said he, “has one very great fault, which is, that she loves none but young sparks. In vain have I represented to her that the many visitors of this description that she receives must infallibly ruin her; she will not break off such connexions: in short she is incorrigible. My sole reason,” continued he, “for recalling you, was to inform you of her indiscretion, and to caution you to keep a better check upon her conduct, lest, in the event of any second accident happening at your house, you may not always be able to find powerful and disinterested protectors.” I understood his meaning perfectly, and promised the old man that my wife should be more guarded in her future conduct; after which, I went home, well assured that my wife would tell the story in quite a different way; as in fact she did: for no sooner had I mentioned his name, than she began to declaim against him as an avaricious old curmudgeon, who had made her none but the most insignificant presents ever since my departure.
I entered into her resentment, and permitted more young men than ever to frequent our house; which the old magistrate having remarked, he reproached me for having broken my word with him, and, as though he had made my fortune, he accused me of making him an ungrateful return for all the benefits he had conferred on me. At length we lost all patience, and, to get rid at once of so troublesome a visitor, I ordered the servants to say we were not at home whenever he called.
No sooner did he perceive that we were determined to release ourselves from his tyranny than his love was converted into hatred, and in his passion he caused us to be condemned to leave Madrid in three days, under pain of imprisonment for the remainder of our lives. He thought that by this he would undoubtedly have reduced us to implore his mercy, and do just as he pleased; but he was much mistaken, for no sooner was this unjust sentence made known to us than we guessed from whence it came, and resolved to obey it, my wife choosing rather to travel all over the world than have any thing more to do with this old rascal, and I beginning to be apprehensive that my creditors would shortly be calling upon me for the remainder of my composition money.