“Bite, Brother, bite with keer
And do your dutie as a bed buggeer.”
The processhun was the most imposin I ever seen. The entire time taken in passin a given point was two hours and ten min-nits.
At eggsactly 2:20 a.m., the army formed in a holler square, with the officers in the middel. The high priest then passed round them, skatterin insense all over the soldjers, and xhortin them to stand firm, cos vick-torie, glory & spoils was rite within there reech. Then he skattered sum more insense, wot smelt wuss than limbugger cheese, all over them.
By this time it was 3 a. m., and I was gettin sumwhat nervus and cold, in my abbreevyated costume, my mercyfull disposishun and other considerations restrayned me from dealin out holesale slorter to the enemy. Wile I was tryin to devise meens to recapture my fortress, without incurrin the risk of a eppydemick, I seen the army form, in five divishuns. The one under Majah Genral Bloodsucker, bein ordered to scale the walls and take a posishun on the ceelin. The other four divishuns to assume the offensive, and attack me simultaneously on my flanks. Alas for me, too soon, I seen, my mercy had ben illtimed, nothin was left me but to make hasty preperashuns for the defense. Quickly I grabbed the wash basin, and slop bole, and placed each under a leg of my chare. There was nuthin else in the room, wot I cud use for a mote, in despyration I seized a copy of the New York Sun, Presbyteeryan Banner, and a book 'ntitled “Biblikal Reesons Why.” Placin the Sun and “Biblikal Reesons Why,” under the remainin unprotected legs of my chare, and holdin the Presbyteeryan Banner over my bed with a feendish laff, I mounted my fortyfour cashun, and awated the attack.
The corps on the seelin, under Genral Bludsucker, was ordered to take the inishiativ.
Formin in a compact falanx, the band playin the wile, they simmultaneoushly took the perylus leep, landing rite in the middle of my defense. Poor fellows! they met the fate of many others. Miscalculate the distance they had fallen upon the Funny collum of the Presbyteeryan Banner, and its well known soporiffic effects completely overcom them.
Seein the discomfertufe of the Bludsuckers command Genral Robeson advanced, on the dubbel quick, over my N.Y. Sun barrycade. He had almost reeched the leg of my chare, wen urgin his men forward he crossed a line, and rushed rite into deth, yes a suddin and horrybel deth! Poor fellus! they didnt notis in there hurried adyanse, that they were attemptin to cross a sarcastick and vengeful dubble ledded editorial, on the United States navy, by Charles A. Danamite. The survivors will no dout erect a monument over the remains of there brave and darin comrads, beerin the inskripshun “Dide of broken harts.”
Genral Robert Ingersol, seein the destruckshun of Robesons forces, determined to advanse slowly, he had jest scaled the back of my barrycade, and was preparin for a rush, wen his eyes cot site of the title of the book. He immejiately sounded the retreet. Biblical Reasons Why was too much for him, and he did not feel like crossin the kasm, and exposin his men to more numerus and hotter perrils.
A counsil of war was then held, and it was decided to get the forces all together, and make one determined effort, to capture my fortress from the see. A half burnt mach was obtained, and a company of soldjers embarked upon it. The ma-sheenary of the transport must of giv out, cos the bote became unmanageable, and its livin freight, seein there hopeless condish-un, joined in singin', “We're goin down to Glory.”
By this time, the sun streemin thru the cracks of the curtin, warned the survivors of the approch of day, and a genral recall was sounded, and the entire force retreeted to there impenetrabel fortresses in the cracks of the bedsted, leavin me completely master of the situashun.