“I cannot say how long it is since, for I have got rather mixed up in my dates. But one evening I accompanied a friend of mine to a certain establishment in Soho, where we partook of some Hasheesh, and, comfortably reclining upon some velvet lounges, resigned ourselves to the enjoyment of the dreams which we expected. My dreamy state came on soon enough, but the first thing I remember is finding myself stuck up an apple tree. I must leave it to the perspicacity of the assembled multitude to explain how I came there.
“As you already know, I was not the only fresh importation from my country, but the other party will speak for herself by-and-bye. Then one of your—a—must I say women? Ah, yes—one of your women, and a dooced fine woman too, came upon the scene; cut the other party altogether; took a violent fancy to myself; and informed others of my arrival. I have been well-treated since I came here, that is, as well as you know how to do it.
“But I think it’s a confounded nuisance not to be able to get hold of a bit of butcher’s meat. And it’s just beastly to be unable to raise a smoke in any shape or form.
“There are many other things in which we Londoners at least can beat you into fits. There is a much greater proportion of married women among us. I have been told that the women here prefer to be old maids, but I know a trick worth two of that. I have often heard the same sort of thing in England, and the very people that professed such sentiments always snapped at the first chance of a husband they got, I may say that I prefer teetotalism just now, but oh, Jemima! don’t I wish that some of you would tempt me with a bottle of Moët and Chandon! In fact, the very thought of all I am deprived of while here has thoroughly upset me, and I don’t care how soon I’m home again.”
Saying this, poor ill-used Augustus ceased speaking, and sat down on the seat provided for him with such a sour and discontented expression on his face that one could almost fancy a transformation had taken place, and that was someone other than the man who commenced his speech so jauntily.
As for the audience, it seemed to me that every face I looked at wore an expression of disgust at the man who was rewarding the Mother’s hospitality so rudely. The deep silence which followed upon the speech from which much edification had been expected, appeared to me to be so ominous of displeasure, that all my erstwhile nervousness re-appeared in full force.
But I was anxious to undo the unpleasant impression which my countryman had made, and, the initiatory sentence of my speech once got over, I talked fluently enough. I really do not remember half of what I said, but think that I must have expressed myself graphically and satisfactorily enough, for I sat down amid a perfect thunder of applause, which caused the Honourable Augustus to look daggers at me. I daresay he was justified in doing so, for I fancy that when I was drawing comparisons between my own country and the one in which we were sojourning, and all to the credit of the latter, he believed me to be actuated more by a desire to flatter my audience than to speak the honest truth.
That he was mistaken in this respect I can truthfully say, but I do not suppose he has forgiven me to this day, unless he has come to look upon the whole affair as the production of his Hasheesh-laden imagination. But whatever my countryman may have thought of my performance, it evidently satisfied everybody else, and I was very glad that this was so, as I felt that some return was due from me for all the kindness and hospitality I had met with during my sojourn here.
CHAPTER XIV.
I was now invited as the guest of many distinguished personages, and thoroughly enjoyed my life for the next few days. I found New Amazonian men quite as charming as the women, both as regards physique and culture. Beards were in great favour here, and shaving was decidedly at a discount, but a great length of hair was not coveted by anyone, and the beards were always neatly clipped.