But it was quite impossible to catch what he said next, for he had tickled the national sense of humour, and though the individual laughter of each one present was the gentlest possible expression of New Amazonian merriment, the collective result quite deadened the sound of the “distinguished stranger’s” voice.
At this juncture the Speaker rose to her feet, and stepped to the side of the Honourable Augustus. In an instant the deepest silence reigned, as all listened for the words of wisdom which were expected to fall from her lips.
“My children,” she began gravely, her rich voice filling the Hall with melodious sound, “must I remind you that the laws of hospitality are violated when the slightest interruption of the evening’s programme is made? Do you forget that it was well-known ere we met this evening that our guests have been brought up under conditions so dissimilar to our own, that it is impossible for them to be acquainted with our usual forms of address, I must crave your strict silence during the remainder of the proceedings. And you, Mr. Fitz-Musicus,” she continued, “will perhaps pardon me if I here offer the information that neither ‘ladies’ nor ‘gentlemen’ are supposed to exist in New Amazonia. We pride ourselves upon being honest, matter-of-fact ‘women’ and ‘men,’ and discard the other appellations as too suggestive of affectations and mannerisms. You will, therefore, kindly excuse the feeling of surprise with which most of us heard ourselves greeted by words which, with us, are terms of opprobrium.”
While she spoke, the Honourable Augustus stood looking at her with an expression of jaunty ease which spoke volumes for the invulnerability of his sang froid, and even induced me to look at him with feelings in which admiration fought for a place on a plane with my amusement.
“Oh, don’t mention it, madam,” he said, airily, “I might have known that you did not aspire to the same level of culture as the English. All the same, I am very glad if I can afford you amusement, so here goes once more.”
Raising his voice, he now turned to the audience, and so perfect were the acoustic properties of the Hall, that every word he uttered was heard in the most distant corner.
“I suppose,” he said coolly, “that I may safely take your Mrs. Leader as my model, and address you as ‘My children.’ Mighty big children some of you are, too. I can’t help thinking that I wouldn’t like too many of your size to provide for. But although it is a common adage in good old England that, ‘good stuff is put into little compass,’ I am willing to admit that there may be exceptions, and I honestly think that the Irish race has improved since I first knew it. But you are not here to listen to my opinions of you, but to hear my explanation of the reasons and the method which brought me hither.
“Our parsons—I suppose you have parsons here, too—as I said, our parsons always divide their sermons under several heads. I will be more considerate, and use only two. In the first place, I am not conscious of ever having had any reasons for coming here. In the second place, I know no more of the method in which I journeyed hither than the man in the moon. You seem to have abolished a good many things here, but I don’t suppose you have abolished the man in the moon, so you will know what I mean. Still, I believe I can offer some sort of explanation that will be of interest to my audience.
“When at home in my native country, I am thought pretty well of by those who know me. In fact, I may say that I am rather a favourite both with my own and the fair sex. This is all very well in some respects, but is not exactly an unmixed advantage. It may not be generally known here that I am entitled to wear the Royal Arms with a bar sinister, one of my ancestors being no less a personage than a King of England, whom it behoved to provide for his offspring, since his benighted people showed a disinclination to do so.
“Unfortunately, the splendid title and pension bestowed upon the progenitress of our family honours and emoluments have been appropriated by my elder brother, the Duke of Quaverly, and my own allowance is so small as to be totally inadequate to the needs of a scion of a noble house. This has caused the limits of my enjoyments to be somewhat circumscribed, but there is one means of increasing my pleasures which never fails me. The practice to which I allude may not be known to you foreigners, but you have reason to thank it, for to it you owe the opportunity of listening to a speech by the Honourable Augustus Fitz-Musicus.